A joke for the weekend! For adults only!

Paxoman · Feb 14, 2003

Anyone under 18 go to another thread NOW!

This man is at a party and he hears someone playing the piano. He can't believe how beautiful the music is and feels he must go and congratulate the pianist.

Man - " Excuse me, but I just had to say that you are the best pianist I've ever heard, all your songs are beautiful.

Pianist - "Thank you".

Man - "That last song you played was beautiful, what was it called?"

Pianist - "Oh that one was called 'I like licking my wife's minge'.

The man was a little taken aback. "Oh right, what is this song you are playing now called".

Pianist -"This one is called 'I like to fuck my wife up the arse and cum over her tits'.

The man is shocked that these beautiful songs can have such horrible names.

Man Hey, it is my wifes birthday in a few weeks. She would love your playing, please can you play at my wifes birthday party?.

Pianist Yeah Id love to.

Man Great! Only one thing, could you change the titles of your songs please. I think my guests wouldnt appreciate those type of song titles.

Pianist Yeah no problem.

Its the night of the party, and the pianist is playing. Only thing is, he is awful! The man rushes over to the pianist and says What the hell is wrong with you? You are playing crap, yet you were so good at that other party".

Pianist I know Im sorry. Its just that I need a wank.

Man You what? You cant have a wank, youre here to entertain my guests.

Pianist I know, but Im desperate for a wank. Ill be able to play much better if I have one.

Man I dont believe this. Ok ok, go to the bathroom. In the cupboard under the sink there are some dirty mags. Go have your wank, but dont be long.

The pianist goes to the bathroom and has his wank. He returns and starts playing the piano, only this time his playing is wonderful.

The wife whos party it is hears this lovely music and just has to go and thank this pianist who is playing so beautifully. As she gets near to the pianist she notices that he is sitting at the piano with his knob hanging out of his trousers. As she get even closer she notices that the pianist has cum all down his trousers.

Wife Er excuse me, do you know your knob is hanging out and you have cum all over your trousers?

Pianist You hum it luv and Ill play it.

:lol:

Fingers · Feb 14, 2003

Fingers · Feb 14, 2003

Chinese guy calling in sick................

Hung Chow: "Hey, boss I not come to work today, I really sick. I got
headache, stomach ache, my leg hurts. I not come to work."

The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel
better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon. You got nice house."

:lol:

Paxoman · Feb 14, 2003

Sammi951 · Feb 14, 2003

indeed!!

RicknRoll · Feb 15, 2003

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first
round
of talks in a new peace process.

When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's
chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the
first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and
punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Saddam
laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot
comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again
George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of
peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed
and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's
finally had enough.

I'm headin' back to Washington!" he calmly tells the Iraqi. "We'll
finish these talks in two weeks in Washington!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As
the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and
prepares himself for the Yank's retaliation. They begin talking and
George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens.
George snickers.

A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but
again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button
is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush
falls
on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

George W. says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

Paxoman · Feb 15, 2003

Sammi951 · Feb 15, 2003

LOVE it Rick!! :lol:

Sammi951 · Feb 15, 2003

theres an italian, a spaniard and an irishman.
the italian says' after making love to my wife I wipe my penis over her tingling legs and she rises a clear foot off the bed in ecstasy.
the spaniard says ' after making love to my wife I wipe my penis down her tingling spine and she rises 3 feet off the bed in pure bliss'.
then Irishman says' thats nothing!, after making love to my wife I wipe my penis on the curtains and she hits the bloody roof!!!!'.

Sammi951 · Feb 15, 2003

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mum was puzzled at first, but then went To the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop. " Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges. " Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long - King
Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her
daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words:
"British Airways". Mum took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways. " Mum fainted.