To make some living here: Here's a few short pieces by Daniil Harms. He rocks.
Kalindov was standing on tiptoe and peering at me straight in the face.
I found this unpleasant. I turned aside but Kalindov ran round me and was
again peering at me straight in the face. I tried shielding myself from
Kalindov with a newspaper. But Kalindov outwitted me: he set my newspaper
alight and, when it flared up, I dropped it on the floor and Kalindov again
began peering at me straight in she face. Slowly retreating, I repaired
behind the cupboard and there, for a few moments, I enjoyed a break from the
importunate stares of Kalindov. But my break was not prolonged: Kalindov
crawled up to the cupboard on all fours and peered up at me from below. My
patience ran out; I screwed up my eyes and booted Kalindov in the face.
When I opened my eyes, Kalindov was standing in front of me, his mug
bloodied and mouth lacerated, peering at me straight in the face as before.
An old man set out to go into the woods, although he didn't know what
for. Then he came back and said:
-- Hey, old woman, you!
The old woman fell straight down. Since then, the hares are white in
winter.
Natasha had two sweets. Then she ate one of the sweets and one sweet
remained. Natasha placed the sweet on the table in front of her and started
crying.
Suddenly she has a look and on the table in front of her there lie two
sweets again.
Natasha ate one sweet and again started crying.
Natasha cries and keeps one eye on the table to see whether a second
sweet will appear. But a second sweet did not appear.
Natasha stopped crying and started to sing. she sang and sang away, and
suddenly died.
Natasha's Dad arrived, took Natasha and carried her to the house
manager.
-- Here -- says Natasha's Dad -- will you witness the death?
The house manager blew on his stamp and applied it to Natasha's
forehead.
-- Thank you -- said Natasha's Dad and carried Natasha off to the
cemetery.
But at the cemetery was the watchman Matvei; he always sat by the gate
and didn't let anyone into the cemetery, so that the dead had to be buried
right on the street.
Dad buried Natasha on the street, removed his cap, placed it on the
spot where he had interred Natasha and went off home.
He arrived home and Natasha was already sitting there. How come? It's
very simple: she climbed out from under the earth and ran back home.
What a thing! Dad was so taken aback that he collapsed and died.
Natasha called the house manager, saying to him: -- Will you witness a
death?
The house manager blew on his stamp and applied it to a sheet of paper
and then on the same sheet of paper he wrote: 'This certifies that so and so
has actually died.'
Natasha took the piece of paper and carried it off to the cemetery for
burial. But the watchman Matvei tells Natasha: -- I'm not letting you in on
any account.
Natasha says: -- I just want to bury this piece of palmer.
And the watchman says: -- Don't even ask. Natasha interred the piece of
paper on the street, placed her socks on the spot where she had interred the
piece of paper and went off home.
She gets home and Dad is already sitting there at home and is already
playing against himself on a miniature billiard table with little metal
balls.
Natasha was surprised but said nothing and went off to her room to grow
up.
She grew and grew and within four years she had become a grown-up young
lady. But Natasha's Dad had become aged and bent. But they will both
remember how they had taken each other for dead and so they will fall on the
divan and just laugh. Another time they laugh for about twenty minutes.
And their neighbours, as soon as they hear this laughter, immediately
put on their coats and go off to the cinema. And one day they went off like
that and never came back again. Seemingly, they were run over by a car.
- <Kalindov>
Kalindov was standing on tiptoe and peering at me straight in the face.
I found this unpleasant. I turned aside but Kalindov ran round me and was
again peering at me straight in the face. I tried shielding myself from
Kalindov with a newspaper. But Kalindov outwitted me: he set my newspaper
alight and, when it flared up, I dropped it on the floor and Kalindov again
began peering at me straight in she face. Slowly retreating, I repaired
behind the cupboard and there, for a few moments, I enjoyed a break from the
importunate stares of Kalindov. But my break was not prolonged: Kalindov
crawled up to the cupboard on all fours and peered up at me from below. My
patience ran out; I screwed up my eyes and booted Kalindov in the face.
When I opened my eyes, Kalindov was standing in front of me, his mug
bloodied and mouth lacerated, peering at me straight in the face as before.
- A Fairy-Tale from the North
An old man set out to go into the woods, although he didn't know what
for. Then he came back and said:
-- Hey, old woman, you!
The old woman fell straight down. Since then, the hares are white in
winter.
- Father and Daughter
Natasha had two sweets. Then she ate one of the sweets and one sweet
remained. Natasha placed the sweet on the table in front of her and started
crying.
Suddenly she has a look and on the table in front of her there lie two
sweets again.
Natasha ate one sweet and again started crying.
Natasha cries and keeps one eye on the table to see whether a second
sweet will appear. But a second sweet did not appear.
Natasha stopped crying and started to sing. she sang and sang away, and
suddenly died.
Natasha's Dad arrived, took Natasha and carried her to the house
manager.
-- Here -- says Natasha's Dad -- will you witness the death?
The house manager blew on his stamp and applied it to Natasha's
forehead.
-- Thank you -- said Natasha's Dad and carried Natasha off to the
cemetery.
But at the cemetery was the watchman Matvei; he always sat by the gate
and didn't let anyone into the cemetery, so that the dead had to be buried
right on the street.
Dad buried Natasha on the street, removed his cap, placed it on the
spot where he had interred Natasha and went off home.
He arrived home and Natasha was already sitting there. How come? It's
very simple: she climbed out from under the earth and ran back home.
What a thing! Dad was so taken aback that he collapsed and died.
Natasha called the house manager, saying to him: -- Will you witness a
death?
The house manager blew on his stamp and applied it to a sheet of paper
and then on the same sheet of paper he wrote: 'This certifies that so and so
has actually died.'
Natasha took the piece of paper and carried it off to the cemetery for
burial. But the watchman Matvei tells Natasha: -- I'm not letting you in on
any account.
Natasha says: -- I just want to bury this piece of palmer.
And the watchman says: -- Don't even ask. Natasha interred the piece of
paper on the street, placed her socks on the spot where she had interred the
piece of paper and went off home.
She gets home and Dad is already sitting there at home and is already
playing against himself on a miniature billiard table with little metal
balls.
Natasha was surprised but said nothing and went off to her room to grow
up.
She grew and grew and within four years she had become a grown-up young
lady. But Natasha's Dad had become aged and bent. But they will both
remember how they had taken each other for dead and so they will fall on the
divan and just laugh. Another time they laugh for about twenty minutes.
And their neighbours, as soon as they hear this laughter, immediately
put on their coats and go off to the cinema. And one day they went off like
that and never came back again. Seemingly, they were run over by a car.
where did you find those stories? they're absolute nonsense
