Attention all Grammar Nazi's

[Uladyne]

So I've been drawing up an "about" section for my brother's construction company's website. The paragraph below is part of a rough draft I threw together, which we planned on having edited by his fiance, who recently went through a writing class in college, earning herself an A, apparently.

You should never have to worry about having something done twice. Whether it’s the construction of a new home from the ground up, a new deck for entertaining friends and family, or simply replacing a leaking window, when a project is completed you’ll have the peace of mind that the job was done right the first time around, by someone who knows the hazards of the Oregon coastal weather. PRT is always eager to work with you on the design and layout of any sized project, and can even draw up preliminary plans and specifications.

So I figured it was rough and needed to be edited, but the edited version below seems to have some weird wacky shit. Granted, I have never taken any sort of writing classes, so maybe I just don't know shit from shinola. I was telling my brother that some of it seems weird, and he's basically of the mindset that says "Dude, she just took a class for this exact shit and got an A. It probably sounds weird to us because we don't know any better." So basically I'm just looking for more opinions. The parts that seem weird to me are in italics:

Never have to worry about doing something twice, whether it’s the construction of a new home from the ground up, a new deck for entertaining friends and family, or simply replacing a leaking window, when a project is completed you’ll have the peace of mind that the job was done right the first time around, by someone who knows the hazards of the Oregon coast weather. PRT is always eager to work with you on the design and layout of any size project, and able to draw up preliminary plans and specifications.

Also notice that the first period from the original version was changed to a comma, thus creating a massive run-on sentence (even more massive than the original, it needed no lengthening, haha). I suggested adding "You'll" to the very beginning of the first sentence, or removing the words "have", but I didn't take a writing course, so what do I know? I also suggested adding the word "are" to the last senetence, so it would say, "and ARE able to", but I was shot down with a funny look, and a "you've never heard people talk like that?" No, not sure I have.

Sorry for the long boring post.

 

[Russtopher]

I think your suggestions are dead on. I do a lot of press release/marketing article writing (my background is in mass comm) and I think your suggestions are perfect.

Of course, I'd find a way to chop that run on sentence the hell down, it's the worst thing about it, but your proposed additions to that second paragraph fit just fine, and help it make more sense. I mean, the very first sentence has no subject in the beginning - WHO will never have to worry twice? So you're correct in adding in the "You'll", even if they say it's an understood subject, it's so long it really doesn't read well.

 

[GarethSE]

hello captain price

 

[kev]

I think you need to do some comma shaving before I suffocate from lack of oxygen

Never have to worry about doing something twice. Whether it’s the construction of a new home from the ground up, new decking for entertaining friends and family, or simply replacing a leaking window. When a project is completed by us you’ll have the peace of mind that it was done right the first time around, and by people who know the hazards of Oregon's coastline climate. PRT is always eager to work with you on the design/layout of a project of any scale, and are able to draw up preliminary plans and specifications to suit your needs specifically.

 

[roy22341]

Background: I haven't had an English class since senior year of high school. This just sounds more right to me, maybe its nit-picky though.



Never have to worry about doing something twice. Whether it’s the construction of a new home from the ground up, new decking for entertaining friends and family, or simply replacing a leaking window, when a project is completed by PRT you’ll have the peace of mind knowing that it was done right the first time. The people at PRT understand the hazards of Oregon's coastline climate. PRT is always eager to work with you on the design and layout of a project of any scale, and can draw up preliminary plans and specifications to meet your needs.


Maybe I butchered it - I dunno. Just a thought.

 

[drew_drummer]

The one she wrote is fine; makes perfect sense.

 

[Notuern]

Having a text thats 100% perfect grammar wise might not mean that its 100% perfect in PR purposes.

The text she wrote is VERY stiff, which will make clients feel awkward when reading it.. the exact opposite of what you want to do.
You should try to make small talk, make them feel relaxed and secure about your business/product.

Also, try to sum up what makes your company unique/better then others in a short sentence, and use it as an ending.
For instance; "We do it right the first time!"

You cant compare this to writing a science article.

 

[Notuern]

I think you need to do some comma shaving before I suffocate from lack of oxygen

Never have to worry about doing something twice. Whether it’s the construction of a new home from the ground up, new decking for entertaining friends and family, or simply replacing a leaking window. When a project is completed by us you’ll have the peace of mind that it was done right the first time around, and by people who know the hazards of Oregon's coastline climate. PRT is always eager to work with you on the design/layout of a project of any scale, and are able to draw up preliminary plans and specifications to suit your needs specifically.

That one looks great IMO!
Quick and easy to read, it feels both professional and relaxed and still puts the point out there.

 

[ahjteam]

Never have to worry about doing something twice. Whether it’s the construction of a new home from the ground up, new decking for entertaining friends and family, or simply replacing a leaking window. When a project is completed by us you’ll have the peace of mind that it was done right the first time around, and by people who know the hazards of Oregon's coastline climate. PRT is always eager to work with you on the design/layout of a project of any scale, and are able to draw up preliminary plans and specifications to suit your needs specifically.

In my opinion there is unnessecary repetition in the text and there is an error in the last sentence, because PRT first turns from singular to plural after the comma. Also the text might be more interesting if it would be worded in different order:

PRT is always eager to work with project designs and layouts of any scale. We know the hazards of Oregon's coastline climate thoroughly and we are able to make preliminary plans to suit your specific needs. When a project is completed by us, you never have to worry about doing something twice. Whether it’s the construction of a new home from the ground up, new decking for entertaining friends and family, or simply replacing a leaking window.

 

[J-Mac]

Just another take on the grammar/re-writing thing. The first this that stuck out to me is the first sentence in the revised version has no subject .

Anyhow, I am the grammar Nazi of my office and spend a good amount of my time re-writing reports and things of this nature. Here's what I came up with:

--

You can trust PRT to do it right the first time. Whether it’s the construction of your new home, the addition of a new deck, or simply replacing a leaking window, you’ll have the peace of mind that the job was done right. PRT will work closely with you from drafting preliminary plans and specifications through completion of any size project.

--

Anyhow, just my $0.02

 

[Uladyne]

Damn, all of these suggestions sound really fucking good. Now I just have to try to see if my brother would be open to changing his fiance's version. Thanks guys!

 

[lolzgreg]

Delete Post.

 

[Apsu]

----
Never have to worry about doing something twice - whether constructing a new home from the ground up, building that deck you've always wanted for entertaining friends and family, or simply replacing a leaky window - when a project is completed by PRT, you'll know the job was done right the first time. With our knowledge and experience working along the challenging Oregon coastline, you can count on PRT from the preliminary plans and specs to the last brick and nail. When you need results, we've got you covered.
----

Not 100% happy with the initial flow, but I think it suits the tenor of the rest better than a straightforward "you'll X because Y and Z". The goal in advertising of this sort (drawing inspiration from the original and fiance revision) is to use leading constructions with passive or inverted subject-predicate flow, and the content should paint in broad strokes using common examples and drawing conclusions for the reader. The above was my quick stab at a (more) consistent template to build from. Feel free to wholesale replace the closing value statement, but I would have to strongly recommend against simply not having one. "we can help you do (insert specific thing)" is nice for a list, but awful for an ad. Close it with something general and positive, it leaves a better impression, particularly if it's a cliquey phrase Good luck!

 

[TheWinterSnow]

Not only am I a grammar Nazi, I am current'y taking a composition class and we have been going over the differences between casual, semi-formal and formal compositions. While you want to be easy going for the possible client, you also want to be professional.

For starters no contractions, keep pronouns especially personal pronouns out of the equation as it is possible to do that whole bit without a single personal pronoun, though don't ask me because I might not be able to pull that one off. Most of you got the point of making sure that every single sentence has a subject, and that there are many phrases and ideas that are repeated slightly different that could be removed. But not I must add another conecpt and that is even though that some sentences are correct, for the context of which is will be used, some of the sentences could be formed better.

I will note that ahjteam's structure works best, with the flow of information, so I will use that as a good basis

PRT is always eager to work with you on the design and layout of any scale. We know the hazards of the Oregon coastal weather and are able to fabricate preliminary plans and specifications. With PTR, you never need to worry about executing the project more than once. Whether it’s the construction of a new home from the ground up, a new deck for entertaining friends and family, or simply replacing a leaking window, you will have the peace of mind that the job was done right the first time.

 

[Apsu]

Not only am I a grammar Nazi, I am current'y taking a composition class and we have been going over the differences between casual, semi-formal and formal compositions. While you want to be easy going for the possible client, you also want to be professional.

For starters no contractions, keep pronouns especially personal pronouns out of the equation as it is possible to do that whole bit without a single personal pronoun, though don't ask me because I might not be able to pull that one off. Most of you got the point of making sure that every single sentence has a subject, and that there are many phrases and ideas that are repeated slightly different that could be removed. But not I must add another conecpt and that is even though that some sentences are correct, for the context of which is will be used, some of the sentences could be formed better.

I will note that ahjteam's structure works best, with the flow of information, so I will use that as a good basis

I think your grammar in this post was actually pretty bad Late nights, I'm sure.

Just sayin'

 

[TheWinterSnow]

yeah, when I don't have to worry about it, i usually don't care, especially if I am in a hurry or tired, or get in the heat of the moment. Even so during casual conversations I tend to be grammatically correct most of the time and even so I still catch myself mid-sentence and correct it. On the internet though, I am quite a grammar slob.

 

[Apsu]

Hehe, no worries, mostly just fucking with you. I have a decade or so of typing and formal rhetoric/debate for a living -- particularly in writing theses, drafting reports, compiling technical documentation, facilitating communication between groups with differing levels of expertise, etc. Blah blah, byproduct is I unfortunately suck at typing in pretty much any other way, lol. Call me what you will, but 'concise' ain't it uke:

 

[kev]

In my opinion there is unnessecary repetition in the text and there is an error in the last sentence, because PRT first turns from singular to plural after the comma. Also the text might be more interesting if it would be worded in different order:

PRT is always eager to work with project designs and layouts of any scale. We know the hazards of Oregon's coastline climate thoroughly and we are able to make preliminary plans to suit your specific needs. When a project is completed by us, you never have to worry about doing something twice. Whether it’s the construction of a new home from the ground up, new decking for entertaining friends and family, or simply replacing a leaking window.

Very true- it was late!

 

[drew_drummer]

Having a text thats 100% perfect grammar wise might not mean that its 100% perfect in PR purposes.

The text she wrote is VERY stiff, which will make clients feel awkward when reading it.. the exact opposite of what you want to do.
You should try to make small talk, make them feel relaxed and secure about your business/product.

Also, try to sum up what makes your company unique/better then others in a short sentence, and use it as an ending.
For instance; "We do it right the first time!"

You cant compare this to writing a science article.

It's not PR. It is marketing.

 

[Metaltastic]

I'm no expert on marketing and I really don't have the energy to read and compare everyone's suggestions, but FWIW, her version should definitely have a semicolon (or better yet, a hyphen, I love those little guys ) after that initial "Never have to worry about having something done twice" clause, rather than a comma (although honestly, I think it should be a header). Furthermore, saying "never have to worry about doing something twice" isn't clear, it's not like the customer will be doing anything besides calling someone to come fix the problem, and "never have to worry about having to have something done twice" is just laughably wordy Thus, my suggestion (big changes in italics)

Whether you're building a new home from the ground up, a deck for entertaining friends and family, or simply replacing a leaking window, when a project is completed you’ll be able to rest assured that the job was done right the first time around, by someone who knows the hazards of the Oregon coast weather. PRT is always eager to work with you on the design and layout of any size project, and we are always willing to draw up preliminary plans and specifications.

I got rid of the "peace of mind" bit because I felt like it really had to be "you'll have the peace of mind knowing that the job etc. etc.", which would be redundant with "by someone who knows the hazards etc. etc." immediately after