BUTTERY ASSWIPES
- Thread starter Swabs
- Start date
Lord Foul
I don't spank men
Shae Butter is a moisturizing and anti-inflammatory agent. I bet that feels awesome to wipe your ass with.
El Stormo
Member
I’d say its been 8 or 9 years since the last time I rammed a stick of butter up my ass while jerking off and fingering my asshole. I did it because it felt really good but that’s not the point of this story. I want to tell you of the events proceeding this fateful masturbation.
I’m sitting there watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and around 15 minutes go by and I feel a sticky wetness on my ass cheeks and ballsack. This is when I realized that the butter I had shoved up my asshole had melted and leaked out onto my couch and it had a very distinct putrid stench to it. It had mixed with my shit to create something far worse than shit. It was probably the worst thing I’ve smelt in all my life. It actually smelt many times worse than the time I had stuck a pickle up my asshole and forgot about until the morning after.
While standing there taking in this wonderfully putrid smell I realize that I cannot be the only one to smell this. So I walked quickly upstairs with my ass cheeks clenched not wanting to spill a drop of my shit butter. I pull out from my sock drawer a heavy woolen sock and unload the contents of my asshole into it. I thought the smell was bad before. I now had the urge to do a barrel roll out my window to escape the horrid odor. I quickly tied the top of the sock and left my house.
As I walked down the street a brownish-yellow liquid slowly dripped from the bottom of the sock. The neighborhood kids became very curious as to what was going on and as they approached they caught a whiff of the putrid smell emanating from the sock. This is when Joanna, my neighbors 13 year old daughter vomited what looked like a freshly eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich all over the street. I nearly came in my pants at that moment. I had the sickest hard on. In fact the only thing keeping me from raping Joanna while she lay in a pool of her own vomit was my sock full of shit butter. I knew I had something to do and I was damn sure going to do it. I kept walking.
I finally made it to my local grocery store. An epic journey it had been. Every asshole in the vicinity could smell the putrid odor but nobody knew where it came from. I can still hear them in my mind. “What the fuck is that smell.” “This smell is so bad I think I am going to kill myself with a hammer” one man said. I even saw a fellow depraved maniac in the corner of my eye. I could tell because he had the same smile that I did. He was laughing with the same glee. I’m sure he’s raped a severely mentally challenged child in his lifetime. I know I have.
That’s when I saw him. The old my pals who sat in front of shoprite saying hello to every asshole strolling by. I fucking hated this man. I couldn’t tell you why. I just hated him. He could smell my shit butter. I could tell because he was gasping for air. I quickly approached him thinking “this will be the greatest day of my life. Nothing could stop me now.” This is when I felt a sudden burst. I realized later that I had shot a load off in my pants right at that moment.
I was arms length from the my pals now. I clenched the sock tight with both hands and swung it at the my pals face with all my might. I hit him in the cheek with such force that the brownish-liquid had sprayed out all over his face. He immediately threw up. I sat back laughing as he washed out his eyes with bottled water. He asked “why?” and I responded by dumping the rest of the socks contents on his head. Truly, I did it for the lulz.
While everybody was distracted I walked into shoprite and quickly shoved as many apples as I could up my ass. It was 4. I left shoprite with the most satisfaction I have ever felt in my life. I remember thinking “wow, I’m such a great person, I get 4 free apples, and I get to go home and jerk off to CP.”
When I think back on that day, I can always remember how sweet those apples tasted. Nothing sweeter.
I’m sitting there watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and around 15 minutes go by and I feel a sticky wetness on my ass cheeks and ballsack. This is when I realized that the butter I had shoved up my asshole had melted and leaked out onto my couch and it had a very distinct putrid stench to it. It had mixed with my shit to create something far worse than shit. It was probably the worst thing I’ve smelt in all my life. It actually smelt many times worse than the time I had stuck a pickle up my asshole and forgot about until the morning after.
While standing there taking in this wonderfully putrid smell I realize that I cannot be the only one to smell this. So I walked quickly upstairs with my ass cheeks clenched not wanting to spill a drop of my shit butter. I pull out from my sock drawer a heavy woolen sock and unload the contents of my asshole into it. I thought the smell was bad before. I now had the urge to do a barrel roll out my window to escape the horrid odor. I quickly tied the top of the sock and left my house.
As I walked down the street a brownish-yellow liquid slowly dripped from the bottom of the sock. The neighborhood kids became very curious as to what was going on and as they approached they caught a whiff of the putrid smell emanating from the sock. This is when Joanna, my neighbors 13 year old daughter vomited what looked like a freshly eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich all over the street. I nearly came in my pants at that moment. I had the sickest hard on. In fact the only thing keeping me from raping Joanna while she lay in a pool of her own vomit was my sock full of shit butter. I knew I had something to do and I was damn sure going to do it. I kept walking.
I finally made it to my local grocery store. An epic journey it had been. Every asshole in the vicinity could smell the putrid odor but nobody knew where it came from. I can still hear them in my mind. “What the fuck is that smell.” “This smell is so bad I think I am going to kill myself with a hammer” one man said. I even saw a fellow depraved maniac in the corner of my eye. I could tell because he had the same smile that I did. He was laughing with the same glee. I’m sure he’s raped a severely mentally challenged child in his lifetime. I know I have.
That’s when I saw him. The old my pals who sat in front of shoprite saying hello to every asshole strolling by. I fucking hated this man. I couldn’t tell you why. I just hated him. He could smell my shit butter. I could tell because he was gasping for air. I quickly approached him thinking “this will be the greatest day of my life. Nothing could stop me now.” This is when I felt a sudden burst. I realized later that I had shot a load off in my pants right at that moment.
I was arms length from the my pals now. I clenched the sock tight with both hands and swung it at the my pals face with all my might. I hit him in the cheek with such force that the brownish-liquid had sprayed out all over his face. He immediately threw up. I sat back laughing as he washed out his eyes with bottled water. He asked “why?” and I responded by dumping the rest of the socks contents on his head. Truly, I did it for the lulz.
While everybody was distracted I walked into shoprite and quickly shoved as many apples as I could up my ass. It was 4. I left shoprite with the most satisfaction I have ever felt in my life. I remember thinking “wow, I’m such a great person, I get 4 free apples, and I get to go home and jerk off to CP.”
When I think back on that day, I can always remember how sweet those apples tasted. Nothing sweeter.
dreaming neon darkspot
natures' retard
WhiteBeastofWotan
Apostitutes!
WhiteBeastofWotan
Apostitutes!
Krigloch the Furious
Pants full of poo
When I went to see Starwars Episode III we waited for 5 hours in the very back row which is the highest point of the theater.
I had just gotten off work and it was hot as balls in there. It felt like I had a stick of butter between my ass cheeks.
Also, the movie theater had ads running on screen, and every six minutes it would be replayed.
There was an ad with a lady named Donna Barbarie or something like that. So every time she came on screen we yelled Donna Barbarian. True Story. 5 hours of Donna Barbarian!
I had just gotten off work and it was hot as balls in there. It felt like I had a stick of butter between my ass cheeks.
Also, the movie theater had ads running on screen, and every six minutes it would be replayed.
There was an ad with a lady named Donna Barbarie or something like that. So every time she came on screen we yelled Donna Barbarian. True Story. 5 hours of Donna Barbarian!
Chromatose
Squid pro quo
Brooks
Eyes Wide Open
'cause if there anything I've always wanted to rub my ass with after taking a dump, it's a puppy.
El Stormo
Member
neal
wizard in black
Super Mahrio
Deeply Horrible Person
dreaming neon darkspot
natures' retard
Morganna
Member
Brooks
Eyes Wide Open
Mr. Whipple Left It Out: Soft Is Rough on Forests
By LESLIE KAUFMAN
Americans like their toilet tissue soft: exotic confections that are silken, thick and hot-air-fluffed.
The national obsession with soft paper has driven the growth of brands like Cottonelle Ultra, Quilted Northern Ultra and Charmin Ultra which in 2008 alone increased its sales by 40 percent in some markets, according to Information Resources, Inc., a marketing research firm.
But fluffiness comes at a price: millions of trees harvested in North America and in Latin American countries, including some percentage of trees from rare old-growth forests in Canada. Although toilet tissue can be made at similar cost from recycled material, it is the fiber taken from standing trees that help give it that plush feel, and most large manufacturers rely on them.
Customers demand soft and comfortable, said James Malone, a spokesman for Georgia Pacific, the maker of Quilted Northern. Recycled fiber cannot do it.
The countrys soft-tissue habit call it the Charmin effect has not escaped the notice of environmentalists, who are increasingly making toilet tissue manufacturers the targets of campaigns. Greenpeace on Monday for the first time issued a national guide for American consumers that rates toilet tissue brands on their environmental soundness. With the recession pushing the price for recycled paper down and Americans showing more willingness to repurpose everything from clothing to tires, environmental groups want more people to switch to recycled toilet tissue.
No forest of any kind should be used to make toilet paper, said Dr. Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist and waste expert with the Natural Resource Defense Council.
In the United States, which is the largest market worldwide for toilet paper, tissue from 100 percent recycled fibers makes up less than 2 percent of sales for at-home use among conventional and premium brands. Most manufacturers use a combination of trees to make their products. According to RISI, an independent market analysis firm in Bedford, Mass., the pulp from one eucalyptus tree, a commonly used tree, produces as many as 1,000 rolls of toilet tissue. Americans use an average of 23.6 rolls per capita a year.
Other countries are far less picky about toilet tissue. In many European nations, a rough sheet of paper is deemed sufficient. Other countries are also more willing to use toilet tissue made in part or exclusively from recycled paper.
In Europe and Latin America, products with recycled content make up about on average 20 percent of the at-home market, according to experts at the Kimberly Clark Corporation.
Environmental groups say that the percentage is even higher and that they want to nurture similar acceptance here. Through public events and guides to the recycled content of tissue brands, they are hoping that Americans will become as conscious of the environmental effects of their toilet tissue use as they are about light bulbs or other products.
Dr. Hershkowitz is pushing the high-profile groups he consults with, including Major League Baseball, to use only recycled toilet tissue. At the Academy Awards ceremony last Sunday, the gowns were designer originals but the toilet tissue at the Kodak Theaters restrooms was 100 percent recycled.
Environmentalists are focusing on tissue products for reasons besides the loss of trees. Turning a tree to paper requires more water than turning paper back into fiber, and many brands that use tree pulp use polluting chlorine-based bleach for greater whiteness. In addition, tissue made from recycled paper produces less waste tonnage almost equaling its weight that would otherwise go to a landfill.
Still, trees and tree quality remain a contentious issue. Although brands differ, 25 percent to 50 percent of the pulp used to make toilet paper in this country comes from tree farms in South America and the United States. The rest, environmental groups say, comes mostly from old, second-growth forests that serve as important absorbers of carbon dioxide, the main heat-trapping gas linked to global warming. In addition, some of the pulp comes from the last virgin North American forests, which are an irreplaceable habitat for a variety of endangered species, environmental groups say.
Greenpeace, the international conservation organization, contends that Kimberly Clark, the maker of two popular brands, Cottonelle and Scott, has gotten as much as 22 percent of its pulp from producers who cut trees in Canadian boreal forests where some trees are 200 years old.
But Dave Dickson, a spokesman for Kimberly Clark, said that only 14 percent of the wood pulp used by the company came from the boreal forest and that the company contracted only with suppliers who used certified sustainable forestry practices.
Lisa Jester, a spokeswoman for Procter & Gamble, the maker of Charmin, points out that the Forest Products Association of Canada says that no more than 0.5 percent of its forest is harvested annually. Still, even the manufacturers concede that the main reason they have not switched to recycled material is that those fibers tend to be shorter than fibers from standing trees. Long fibers can be laid out and fluffed to make softer tissue.
Jerry Baker, vice president of product and technology research for Kimberly Clark, said the company was not philosophically opposed to recycled products and used them for the away from home market, which includes restaurants, offices and schools.
But people who buy toilet tissue for their homes even those who identify themselves as concerned about the environment are resistant to toilet tissue made from recycled paper.
With a global recession, however, that may be changing. In the past few months, sales of premium toilet paper have plunged 7 percent nationally, said Ali Dibadj, a senior stock analyst with Sanford C. Bernstein & Company, a financial management firm, providing an opening for makers of recycled products.
Marcal, the oldest recycled-paper maker in the country, emerged from bankruptcy under new management last year with a plan to spend $30 million on what is says will be the first national campaign to advertise a toilet tissues environmental friendliness. Marcals new chief executive, Tim Spring, said the company had seen intense interest in the new product from chains like Walgreens. The company will introduce the new toilet tissue in April, around Earth Day
Mr. Spring said Marcal would be able to price the new tissue below most conventional brands, in part because of the lower cost of recycled material.
Our idea is that you dont have to spend extra money to save the Earth, he said. And people want to know what happens to the paper they recycle. This will give them closure.
By LESLIE KAUFMAN
Americans like their toilet tissue soft: exotic confections that are silken, thick and hot-air-fluffed.
The national obsession with soft paper has driven the growth of brands like Cottonelle Ultra, Quilted Northern Ultra and Charmin Ultra which in 2008 alone increased its sales by 40 percent in some markets, according to Information Resources, Inc., a marketing research firm.
But fluffiness comes at a price: millions of trees harvested in North America and in Latin American countries, including some percentage of trees from rare old-growth forests in Canada. Although toilet tissue can be made at similar cost from recycled material, it is the fiber taken from standing trees that help give it that plush feel, and most large manufacturers rely on them.
Customers demand soft and comfortable, said James Malone, a spokesman for Georgia Pacific, the maker of Quilted Northern. Recycled fiber cannot do it.
The countrys soft-tissue habit call it the Charmin effect has not escaped the notice of environmentalists, who are increasingly making toilet tissue manufacturers the targets of campaigns. Greenpeace on Monday for the first time issued a national guide for American consumers that rates toilet tissue brands on their environmental soundness. With the recession pushing the price for recycled paper down and Americans showing more willingness to repurpose everything from clothing to tires, environmental groups want more people to switch to recycled toilet tissue.
No forest of any kind should be used to make toilet paper, said Dr. Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist and waste expert with the Natural Resource Defense Council.
In the United States, which is the largest market worldwide for toilet paper, tissue from 100 percent recycled fibers makes up less than 2 percent of sales for at-home use among conventional and premium brands. Most manufacturers use a combination of trees to make their products. According to RISI, an independent market analysis firm in Bedford, Mass., the pulp from one eucalyptus tree, a commonly used tree, produces as many as 1,000 rolls of toilet tissue. Americans use an average of 23.6 rolls per capita a year.
Other countries are far less picky about toilet tissue. In many European nations, a rough sheet of paper is deemed sufficient. Other countries are also more willing to use toilet tissue made in part or exclusively from recycled paper.
In Europe and Latin America, products with recycled content make up about on average 20 percent of the at-home market, according to experts at the Kimberly Clark Corporation.
Environmental groups say that the percentage is even higher and that they want to nurture similar acceptance here. Through public events and guides to the recycled content of tissue brands, they are hoping that Americans will become as conscious of the environmental effects of their toilet tissue use as they are about light bulbs or other products.
Dr. Hershkowitz is pushing the high-profile groups he consults with, including Major League Baseball, to use only recycled toilet tissue. At the Academy Awards ceremony last Sunday, the gowns were designer originals but the toilet tissue at the Kodak Theaters restrooms was 100 percent recycled.
Environmentalists are focusing on tissue products for reasons besides the loss of trees. Turning a tree to paper requires more water than turning paper back into fiber, and many brands that use tree pulp use polluting chlorine-based bleach for greater whiteness. In addition, tissue made from recycled paper produces less waste tonnage almost equaling its weight that would otherwise go to a landfill.
Still, trees and tree quality remain a contentious issue. Although brands differ, 25 percent to 50 percent of the pulp used to make toilet paper in this country comes from tree farms in South America and the United States. The rest, environmental groups say, comes mostly from old, second-growth forests that serve as important absorbers of carbon dioxide, the main heat-trapping gas linked to global warming. In addition, some of the pulp comes from the last virgin North American forests, which are an irreplaceable habitat for a variety of endangered species, environmental groups say.
Greenpeace, the international conservation organization, contends that Kimberly Clark, the maker of two popular brands, Cottonelle and Scott, has gotten as much as 22 percent of its pulp from producers who cut trees in Canadian boreal forests where some trees are 200 years old.
But Dave Dickson, a spokesman for Kimberly Clark, said that only 14 percent of the wood pulp used by the company came from the boreal forest and that the company contracted only with suppliers who used certified sustainable forestry practices.
Lisa Jester, a spokeswoman for Procter & Gamble, the maker of Charmin, points out that the Forest Products Association of Canada says that no more than 0.5 percent of its forest is harvested annually. Still, even the manufacturers concede that the main reason they have not switched to recycled material is that those fibers tend to be shorter than fibers from standing trees. Long fibers can be laid out and fluffed to make softer tissue.
Jerry Baker, vice president of product and technology research for Kimberly Clark, said the company was not philosophically opposed to recycled products and used them for the away from home market, which includes restaurants, offices and schools.
But people who buy toilet tissue for their homes even those who identify themselves as concerned about the environment are resistant to toilet tissue made from recycled paper.
With a global recession, however, that may be changing. In the past few months, sales of premium toilet paper have plunged 7 percent nationally, said Ali Dibadj, a senior stock analyst with Sanford C. Bernstein & Company, a financial management firm, providing an opening for makers of recycled products.
Marcal, the oldest recycled-paper maker in the country, emerged from bankruptcy under new management last year with a plan to spend $30 million on what is says will be the first national campaign to advertise a toilet tissues environmental friendliness. Marcals new chief executive, Tim Spring, said the company had seen intense interest in the new product from chains like Walgreens. The company will introduce the new toilet tissue in April, around Earth Day
Mr. Spring said Marcal would be able to price the new tissue below most conventional brands, in part because of the lower cost of recycled material.
Our idea is that you dont have to spend extra money to save the Earth, he said. And people want to know what happens to the paper they recycle. This will give them closure.
