Finding everlasting love isn't always easy

You know that site is a joke site, right? Its not a serious article at all. Although I'm sure you would still nearly cry. That's just the type of guy you are.
 
Come on, y'all don't know the Onion?

In its heyday (it's rather middle-of-the-road, now), it had headlines such as:

BEER! IT KICKS ASS!

Or such hard-hitting journalism as:

Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.

And lest we forget, such Pulitzer Prize-winning columns as "Walken in L.A."