gutbusters

[luke]

Well, I think it's about time we had a joke thread.
I'll start with one of my favourites.

A bartender's working away one night when this homeless guy comes into the pub. He walks up the bar and asks for a toothpick. The bartender says, 'sure, mate there right over there. Just help yourself.' About two or three minutes later another derelict comes into the bar and asks for a toothpick. The bar tender obliges, and starts to wonder what the hell is going on. Right about then a third bum walks in, but this one asks for a straw. The bartender gives him the straw and asks him 'Hey buddy, why is it that the two blokes in here just before you asked for toothpicks, and now you want a straw?'

The bum looks at him and says, 'well, somebody puked outside, and now all the big chunks are gone.'

 

[Russell]

Whats the difference between an offsted inspector (english school inspectors) and a plastic surgeon? One tucks up features, the other....

A guy walks into a bar and slips on a piace of shit, gets up and walks over to the bar. Another guy comes in and does the same so the first guy says "i did that". The second guy punches him

Ok those are vaguely funny. These aren't -

Did u hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field

A guy wakes up on a desert island and looks around him. Everything is purple so he says oh dear, I've been marooned

Hehe, those are so bad u have 2 laugh!

 

[Obyeybyeogone]

What's the difference between a corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a corvette in my garage

What's the title of the next Superman movie?

Superman gets a good parking spot

 

[Russell]

What sits in the corner and gets smaller? A baby using a potato peeler as a comb I thought I'dgo for the ones people always feel guilty at laughing it

 

[warsofwinter]

The worlds most succesful lawyer is duck hunting in canada on his vacation , he shoots a duck outside of a farmers field . The duck falls just a few feet inside the farmers fence . The lawyer , not wanting to tresspass on the guys land , waited for him to come out to where the duck was . When he did , the lawyer asked the man to hand him the duck . The farmer said " My land , my duck" , the lawyer quickly replied " do you have any idea who you are messing with , i'm the biggest lawyer in the world , I can bring you down so fast..." so the Farmer sits on his tractor and think for a while and says "Thats not the way we do things here in canada , we have the three kick rule ,,,, I kick you three times ,,, you kick me three times ,,,whoever give's up first get's the duck " , the lawyer thought for a while , looked at the farmer (a very old man) and said to the farmer " it's a deal then" . The farmer slowly gets off the tracker , and kicks him once in the face , nearly braking his nose , next time in the stomach , and the third time in the balls , nearly making the man throw up . So then the lawyer regains his strength (very slowly) and say's to the farmer "now it's my turn" , the farmer looks at the very badly injured lawyer and say's "nah ,,, you can have the duck" .

 

[Demonspell]

What's the difference between Christopher Reeve and O.J. Simpson?

One of them got the electric chair and the other walked.

 

[Obyeybyeogone]

lol Demon, I've got more:

How do you stop superman from moving?

Tape his mouth shut

What's this (Bite behind your shoulder and bring it forward, do with both shoulders)

Superman putting on his cape

 

[MetalManCPA]

The Most Powerful Word

Well, shit...

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit,or find yourself up a shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

You could pass this along,..........if you give a shit.

 

[Obyeybyeogone]

Is that George Carlin?

 

[luke]

A girl goes into the supermarket. She picks up a single serving TV dinner, a package of cup noodles, a toothbrush and a harlequin romance novel from in from of the cashier. THe guy working the register rings in her purchases, takes a look at them, looks at her, and then says 'hey, you're single, aren't you?'
She looks at him sheepishly and replies, 'yeah, how did you know?'

'Because you're ugly'

 

[Obyeybyeogone]

What does a deaf and blind girl get for x-mas?

Cancer.

 

[Silhouette]

Originally posted by godisanathiest
Whats the difference between an offsted inspector (english school inspectors) and a plastic surgeon? One tucks up features, the other....

Here's one of another one similar to that.

Q. What's the difference between a magicians wand and a policemans baton.

A. One's used for cunning stunts, the other's used for stunning cunts.

Here's a lame one that made me laugh.

A man walks into a bar ... and goes ... "Fuck, that hurt".

 

[HoserHellspawn]

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

.....
....
...
..
.

A: Two, but how do they get in there?

 

[SentencedToBurn]

There is 3 guys on a cliff. The first guy starts running and jumps off the cliff and says "Eagle" and he turns into an eagle and flies away. The other two are amazed. The Second guy goes and jumps off the cliff and says "plane" and turns into a plane and flies away. The third guy says i gotta try this so he goes to jump off the cliff but trips over a rock and says "oh shit" and turns into shit and falls all the way to the bottom.

 

[luke]

Litte Johnny walks into his parents room just as they are preparing to have sex, and his dad is putting a condom on. Embarassed that his son should see him like this, Johnny's dad bends over and pretends to look for something under the bed.
'What are you doing,' he asks.
'I think I saw a rat go under the bed,' his dad comes up with to cover up the situation.

'What are ya gonna do when you find it,' asks Little John, 'fuck it?'

 

[Orchid]

A guy enters a Scottish countryside pub, gets himself a drink and takes a look around. Everyone's engaged in a jolly conversation, except for one old Scottish man sitting in the cornertable by the window, so the young man decides to join him.

They engage in a conversation, and the old man points out of the window to the opening meadow where a beautifully laid stone wall rests.

"Lad, ya see that stone wall? I built it with me very own hands, alone, but do they call me Gregor the wall builder? Nay," the old man says.

"D'ya see that wooden pier down by the beach?" he asks, pointing at the shore. "I built that too with these very hands, but do they call me Gregor the pier-maker? Nay. But ya fuck one sheep..."

 

[Orchid]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex- lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more attractive, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Franz.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.


and, continuing the beer topic, here's one male chauvinistic in nature. I apologize all females in advance.


Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 per cent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

 

[justus x]

What's red, white, and cries? A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

 

[Silhouette]

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

 

[E V I L]

RULES AND DEFINTIONS OF THE PERFECT GYM
by Mac "Strongturd" Sanford

1. SHUT UP.

2. If you weigh less than 175lbs (or comparable female weight), please refer to rule #1.

3. If no one saw it, then you didn`t lift it.

4. If an "old football injury" is preventing you from training hard and heavy, then please see the front desk for your complimentary pink-lady razor and box of tampons.

5. All personal trainers must ACTUALLY work-out.

6. All personal trainers MUST weigh at least 175lbs.

7. Personal trainers under 175lbs. must immediately refer to Rule #1!

8. Personal trainers referring to their own weight-lifting accomplishments must IMMEDIATELY refer to rule #3.

9. Any female wearing tight work-out apparel in which a "camel-toe" is plainly visible, will be awarded a free membership.

10.The phrase "I don`t want to get big, I only want to get cut" is strictly prohibited. Anyone caught muttering this phrase will promptly be chopped into pieces, and their testosterone evenly distributed among more deserving lifters.

11. "ILS" is strictly forbidden. Anyone caught suffering from "ILS" will be beaten down by any gym member suffering from "WLFBM".

12. "ILS" - Imaginary Lat Syndrome (you`ve seen this jacka$$ strut around!)

13. "WLFBM" - Wings Like F*cking Batman.

14. Only members 175lbs(+) have earned the right to sh!tin the gym bathroom.

15. If someonethat is bigger than you is waiting to use your machine, MOVE.

16. Considering that it is fairly unlikely that Ninjas are hiding behind the Leg press, SAVE YOUR FREAKING STEVEN SEAGAL ROUTINE FOR A DIFFERENT PLACE THAN THE FREEWEIGHT AREA.

17. No one cares about how much you USED TO LIFT, If you can`t still lift it, than you are not allowed to talk about it.

18. If anyone smaller than you offers unsolicited advice, tell them to refer to rule #1 IMMEDIATELY.

19. "B!tch Weight" - a very small amount of weight that "resolutioners" scream and struggle with, creating the illusion in the gym that they are lifting 600lbs.

20. "Resolutioners" - people that you only see in the gym from
January 2-January 10th. No other time of year.

21. Dispose of phlegm anywhere EXCEPT the water fountain drain.

22. Farting is PERMITTED. Do what you have to do.

23. Grossly overweight members are not permitted to wear Spandex, under any circumstances.

24. There will be no loud conversation in the free-weight area, NO ONE CARES about what you did last Spring Break.

25. There will be no staring in the locker room.