DISCLAIMER: This is my attempt at writing an Onion/Infernal combustion-like satirical news story, and contains comment that one may find offensive...if you're an idiot wholly lacking in humour.
DREAM THEATER'S JOHN MYUNG QUESTIONED ABOUT TIES TO HIJACKERS
MANHATTAN - Fans of the progressive metal kingpins Dream Theater gathered last night outside Manhattan's district court on 100 Centre Street, within walking distance of Ground Zero, in what the media is calling "The Most Bizarre Trial Of The First Twenty-Fifth Of The Century.", or simply the Trial Of Tears. Dream Theater bassist John Myung, known for his reserved demeanor, motionless stage performances, and versatility on the six-string bass and Chapman stick, is being interrogated by local authorities for the shocking possibility that he may have had prior knowledge of the attacks on the World Trade Center. The FBI has already seized advance copies of the band's scheduled January 2002 release Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence to examine possible clues concerning the attack, and already Dream Theater has experienced controversy relating to the attacks, as their live album Live Scenes From New York was originally issued with a cover depicting the NYC skyline, including the Twin Towers, engulfed in flames. "That would be an indication in itself that Dream Theater might have taken the time to have become involved in the planning of the attacks, but the fact that it was RELEASED ON THE ELEVENTH OF SEPTEMBER. Couldn't they have just tried another day? This proves that there is more than just a coincidental connection, and we believe that we have a case against Dream Theater. Perhaps the case of the new millennium. In addition, I have been told that one of the songs on this album is called About To Crash. That is either wholly insensitive to the victims of this fatal tragedy and the families scarred by its effects, or an indication that they knew how Bin Laden would implement the attacks. Worse yet, the working title of another song was Conflict At Ground Zero. This must be more than strange deja vu!", remarked city prosecutor Jules R. Conacher. When asked why he had singled out John Myung in his case, he simply said "Anyone that quiet must be hiding something. He gives everyone the impression that he's still learning to live, but I know he's a sneaky little bastard. Those terrorist scumbags, trying to pass themselves off as different nationalities! If I had been on the plane, I would have stood up to those assholes, I'd have said "Pull me under, I'm not afraid!"
Myung himself typically was the silent man in the courtroom. However, drummer Mike Portnoy got angry when called to the stand by Judge Nicholas Victor. "This is fucking bullshit! We love New York, why would we have anything to do with the Trade Center getting burned down by those fuckheads! If anyone should be on trial, it would be John (Petrucci, Dream Theater guitarist) for that awful haircut! I would like to see that prick Conacher put in a fucking glass prison!" Former Dream Theater keyboardist Kevin Moore attempted to read a statement on behalf of his former bandmates, but was refused entry to the court because he was improperly dressed in a space dye vest. Current keyboardist Jordan Rudess was busy fighting the proposed Side Project Limitation Treaty that would restrict musicians to only one outlet outside of their main bands. Myung is believed to be in an undisclosed solitary shell, believed to be located under either a glass moon or Peruvian skies, watching the Discovery Channel and trying to invent the nine-string bass.
Local fan Bryan Nolan, head of a Dream Theater fan club called the Imagistic Awakening, expressed his sentiments toward the trial on his website, www.infinitememory.com. "It was hard enough getting through when they sued Elektra for trying to overcommercialize Falling Into Infinity. But this all about them, not me. But I'm sick of all these hypocrites! I mean, have they seen the fucking DVD! Even if Myung was involved with Al Qaeda, even Bin Laden couldn't have got any secrets out of him. The man is made of fucking stone, but nobody can play the bass like him! He's superhuman, and he's been misunderstood. These prosecutors are just status seekers looking for a fortune in lies. I'm looking forward to when their finally free, which I estimate will be six o'clock on a Christmas morning." A full editorial of Mr. Nolan's comemnts about the Myung investigation can be found on the section of his website called Court In A Web.
At this moment, Mr. Nolan received a phone call, he immediately went to his bed, which is surrounded by images from Dream Theater's 2000 Roseland concert. "It was my girlfriend, she's calling me back to her home." Later that night, Myung was aked by reporters about Dream Theater's failure to appear at any of the recent New York benefit concerts. He looked about to say something, which caused stunned reactions from the many DT fans called in as witnesses, several of which fainted, before being interrupted by Portnoy: "It could be worse. At least our name isn't Anthrax." Upon hearing this, the court's bailiff screamed "ANTHRAX! THEY'VE DONE IT AGAIN!", prompting a massive evacuation.
DREAM THEATER'S JOHN MYUNG QUESTIONED ABOUT TIES TO HIJACKERS
MANHATTAN - Fans of the progressive metal kingpins Dream Theater gathered last night outside Manhattan's district court on 100 Centre Street, within walking distance of Ground Zero, in what the media is calling "The Most Bizarre Trial Of The First Twenty-Fifth Of The Century.", or simply the Trial Of Tears. Dream Theater bassist John Myung, known for his reserved demeanor, motionless stage performances, and versatility on the six-string bass and Chapman stick, is being interrogated by local authorities for the shocking possibility that he may have had prior knowledge of the attacks on the World Trade Center. The FBI has already seized advance copies of the band's scheduled January 2002 release Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence to examine possible clues concerning the attack, and already Dream Theater has experienced controversy relating to the attacks, as their live album Live Scenes From New York was originally issued with a cover depicting the NYC skyline, including the Twin Towers, engulfed in flames. "That would be an indication in itself that Dream Theater might have taken the time to have become involved in the planning of the attacks, but the fact that it was RELEASED ON THE ELEVENTH OF SEPTEMBER. Couldn't they have just tried another day? This proves that there is more than just a coincidental connection, and we believe that we have a case against Dream Theater. Perhaps the case of the new millennium. In addition, I have been told that one of the songs on this album is called About To Crash. That is either wholly insensitive to the victims of this fatal tragedy and the families scarred by its effects, or an indication that they knew how Bin Laden would implement the attacks. Worse yet, the working title of another song was Conflict At Ground Zero. This must be more than strange deja vu!", remarked city prosecutor Jules R. Conacher. When asked why he had singled out John Myung in his case, he simply said "Anyone that quiet must be hiding something. He gives everyone the impression that he's still learning to live, but I know he's a sneaky little bastard. Those terrorist scumbags, trying to pass themselves off as different nationalities! If I had been on the plane, I would have stood up to those assholes, I'd have said "Pull me under, I'm not afraid!"
Myung himself typically was the silent man in the courtroom. However, drummer Mike Portnoy got angry when called to the stand by Judge Nicholas Victor. "This is fucking bullshit! We love New York, why would we have anything to do with the Trade Center getting burned down by those fuckheads! If anyone should be on trial, it would be John (Petrucci, Dream Theater guitarist) for that awful haircut! I would like to see that prick Conacher put in a fucking glass prison!" Former Dream Theater keyboardist Kevin Moore attempted to read a statement on behalf of his former bandmates, but was refused entry to the court because he was improperly dressed in a space dye vest. Current keyboardist Jordan Rudess was busy fighting the proposed Side Project Limitation Treaty that would restrict musicians to only one outlet outside of their main bands. Myung is believed to be in an undisclosed solitary shell, believed to be located under either a glass moon or Peruvian skies, watching the Discovery Channel and trying to invent the nine-string bass.
Local fan Bryan Nolan, head of a Dream Theater fan club called the Imagistic Awakening, expressed his sentiments toward the trial on his website, www.infinitememory.com. "It was hard enough getting through when they sued Elektra for trying to overcommercialize Falling Into Infinity. But this all about them, not me. But I'm sick of all these hypocrites! I mean, have they seen the fucking DVD! Even if Myung was involved with Al Qaeda, even Bin Laden couldn't have got any secrets out of him. The man is made of fucking stone, but nobody can play the bass like him! He's superhuman, and he's been misunderstood. These prosecutors are just status seekers looking for a fortune in lies. I'm looking forward to when their finally free, which I estimate will be six o'clock on a Christmas morning." A full editorial of Mr. Nolan's comemnts about the Myung investigation can be found on the section of his website called Court In A Web.
At this moment, Mr. Nolan received a phone call, he immediately went to his bed, which is surrounded by images from Dream Theater's 2000 Roseland concert. "It was my girlfriend, she's calling me back to her home." Later that night, Myung was aked by reporters about Dream Theater's failure to appear at any of the recent New York benefit concerts. He looked about to say something, which caused stunned reactions from the many DT fans called in as witnesses, several of which fainted, before being interrupted by Portnoy: "It could be worse. At least our name isn't Anthrax." Upon hearing this, the court's bailiff screamed "ANTHRAX! THEY'VE DONE IT AGAIN!", prompting a massive evacuation.
just brilliant... kudos!
