This bloke is getting ready to go on a cruise with his girlfriend, so he goes off to the chemist to buy some condoms and some anti-nausea pills for seasickness.
"Darling," his girlfriend says when he gets home. "I've just been on the phone booking our trip, and the only cruise they have available is for six weeks, not four."
Our friend goes back to the chemist to pick up some more condoms and anti-nausea pills to tide him over.
"Look mate", says the guy behind the counter. "I don't mean to be rude, but if she's so ugly, why do you keep f**king her?"
*
After being married for many years, a guy can't take his wife's nagging anymore, so he kills her, cuts up all the various body parts and puts them out with the rubbish.
Bin collection day arrives, and our friend is waiting out the front of his house for the truck to come past. When it does, he rushes inside and keeps his fingers crossed that no-one will notice all the odd things in one of his garbage bags.
Seconds later there's a knock at the door, and the guy panics because he thinks he's been caught. A council garbo stands on the doorstep and asks...
(wait for it)
"Have you got another plastic bag on you? The arse has fallen out of this one."
W