Joke thread...


Just Hangin' Around
Jan 5, 2002
Leeds/London, UK
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Ok, I'm bored, these are funny...

A man walks up to God and asks. " God, how long is a million years to you ? "

God responds. " A million years, about a minute. "

shocked the man asks. " Then what is a minute to you ? "

God answers back with a smile. " A million years. "

The man smiles. " God, how do you see a Million Dollars."

God. " Oh that is easy, A million dollars is but a penny to me. "

" And a penny is but a million dollars ? "

" Yes my child. "

" God, may I have a penny ? "

" In a minute my son. "

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a >strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."


An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a minister who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The minister replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the minister and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby parishioner what its purpose was. He told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Montreal, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "25 cents per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the minister about the sign. "Sir, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The minister smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son. It's a local call".
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I know some bassist jokes. :err:

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A bass player.

Did you hear about the bass player that threw the drummer out of the band?
Seems the drummer de-tuned one of the strings, and wouldn't tell him which one.

Why don't bass players play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.

Did you hear about the drummer who locked the keys of his car inside?
It took him an hour to get the bassist out.

Last one only works in Finnish:
Miksi basisti ei voi olla joulupukki? Koska heillä ei ole lahjoja.
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VultureCulture said:
why do women use make-up and perfume?


because they are ugly and stink!

vc (sees his rep down the drain :) )

Ok, I can see that... and it seem to be working. :p
Why are guitarist's fingers like lightning?

They almost never strike the same place twice

Whats the difference between a God and a Guitarist?

No god thinks hes a guitarist

How does a guitarist change a lightbulb?

He puts it in and waits for the world to revolve around him

How are a guitarist and a vacuum cleaner similar?

They both suck when you plug them in

What do you say to a guitarist wearing a three-piece suit?

"Will the defendant please rise?"
"Everytime a woman puts on makeup, they are lying." --Chris Rock.