My neighbors... (Sloan and Chryst Krispies please come in)

[006]

So I come outside this morning to go to work and I notice a letter, sopping wet from the rain, tucked under my windshield wiper. I grab it and get on my way to work. I let it dry all day and just opened it up about 30 minutes ago. It was from my neighbors across the street, which are some serious bull dikes with killer mullets. Check it out:

5 Jan 2009


Please stop using my driveway as a turnaround. The black marks left by your tires are unsightly.

The tire marks next to the road were annoying, the marks on the sidewalk were irritating, but going halfway up my driveway (which happened while I was on vacation) is unacceptable; not to mention pushing my trashcan and recycling bin out of your way with your truck.

Use your own driveway or go around up the hill. Please let your sister know not to use my driveway.

4611 Rader Pass

So my first reaction was "r u srs?" but then I thought of how fun it would be to be sarcastic as fuck and hopefully make a fool out of them over this stupid matter. The first idea I had was to get a sheet of paper and draw a big sad face with tears on it, then make 500 copies at work to later disperse onto their yard. But that would mean I would probably end up having to clean them up and fuck that. Although it would be funny... Second idea was to write them a letter back, so that's what I'm working on now.

6 Jan 2009


I apologize for the "unsightly" tire marks left in your driveway. I hope they don't detract from the beautiful oil stains left by your own vehicle at the top of it.

I suppose you think we like to go off-road on your sidewalk? Otherwise I don't understand what you mean by "the marks on the sidewalk were irritating." How was your vacation by the way?

Unless you have accurately measured the driveway I don't think you are qualified to say that I have ventured "halfway up." I would say more like 1/3rd of the way up, but that's just a rough estimate.

Please let me know what you use to keep your tires invulnerable from the dirt and oil on the roads. I would love to know your secret, we could have avoided this situation. Also, I have never once touched your trash can (that's two words, in case you didn't know) or recycling bin with my vehicle.

I would also like to ask you not to touch my vehicle ever again without my permission. You are both quite manly in stature and looks, I could have mistaken you for some vandals or someone trying to break in. Besides, we have a front door you could knock on and speak to us directly, but I'll just return the favor this time and hide behind a letter like you chose to do.

Thanks!

That's where I'm at so far. I am inviting Sloan and CK, or really anyone with good sarcasm skills to have at my response. I would love to make it as funny as possible, while making the point that I honestly don't care without literally saying I don't care. The fact is, my tires marks are easy to clean up and I really would be willing to pay some dude to come out and pressure wash them off, but I'd love to know how they are going to get that huge oil stain out from their car! And also, I have already checked into the property lines and the part of the driveway they are referring to happens to be city/public property and not theirs to begin with. Why not put that in the letter, you ask? Because I'd rather wait and see what happens next since that will shut anything else they have down.

~006

 

[Metaltastic]

I suppose it's best you didn't ask me, cuz my advice is this: let it go, it's not worth it

 

[Metal Overload]

I Agree with Marcus, you plan is really funny, but they seem to be that annoying kind of neighbors that doesn´t let things pass, and maybe you´ll have problems with that poeple, you never know what kind of maniac neighbors are.

 

[Genius Gone Insane]

I'll take them over my current neighbor, who works from home. Bleh!!!!

 

[RyanUsesThis]

You could just go over, knock on the door, hand the letter back and say "please don't touch my car"... then walk away.

 

[Radd]

Yeah, responding could open up a can of possible nightmare. They probably have nothing better to do than to find things and people to complain about and fighting with you may be the highlight of their life at the moment.
Save the letter and any more you get and date/time them in case one day you find yourself in court.
If they keep their trash cans in front of or too close to their mailbox then it most likely was the mail carrier that pushed them. Though if they were on vacation, they may have had their mail on hold but its still possible the carrier or a sub could have done it and then remembered that those people were on hold after the fact.
Just ignore them and try to stay out of their hair is what I say.

 

[LydonB]

How exactly do you use their driveway as a turnaround?

 

[Metaltastic]

Turn in coming from one direction and then back out going in that same direction?

 

[006]

The thing is, it's not a big deal at all. The fact is the part of the driveway they are talking about isn't their property, which is what makes it so much sweeter for me. I could just leave it alone, but there is nothing, legally, that they can do about my letter if I do it. The also have 12 dogs, yes 12, that they walk daily, and guess where they stop to take a shit before they get back to their house? My yard. Guess who's tree in the front yard has been dug into a little bit by their dogs? Mine. But did I write some gay ass letter complaining about it? Nope. By the way, the rain washed away my tire marks today but that huge oil stain is still there

I'm really not worried about them at all, there's nothing for them to do to me and as "tough guy" as it may sound, I'm sure I can do a whole lot worse to them. Why not have a little fun with it? Like I said, doesn't hurt anything. What are they going to do, sue me for tire marks? They're gone already! And also, forgot to mention I won't be using the city's driveway to turn around any more, it's not like I don't realize I can simply take another 10 seconds and maneuver a different way, that's no problem for me.

~006

 

[Radd]

Do they look like this?

Would you like me to abduct them for you?

 

[006]

Actually, worse than that

 

[Radd]

I could just leave it alone, but there is nothing, legally, that they can do about my letter if I do it.

I'm really not worried about them at all, there's nothing for them to do to me and as "tough guy" as it may sound, I'm sure I can do a whole lot worse to them. Why not have a little fun with it? Like I said, doesn't hurt anything.

~006

Maybe so but each time you respond, things could possibly get worse and then maybe one day you find yourself in court going "WTF?"
Even then if they still don't have anything on you, you'll still have to go through the aggravation of paying for a lawyer and other BS. Just my 2 cents.
Good luck with whatever you do.

 

[006]

Lawyer for what though? That's the point I'm getting at. The marks are gone, there is nothing illegal about my letter or what it says. I'm just having fun with it is all.

~006

 

[Radd]

Lawyer for what though? That's the point I'm getting at. The marks are gone, there is nothing illegal about my letter or what it says. I'm just having fun with it is all.

~006

I'm talking about the future if it gets to that point.

 

[Notuern]

You should write a letter, that looks like its been written by a lawyer.
In this letter you should take up their "false claims", and threaten to sue them for defamation and the collateral damage their pets have done to your property(+ the time and energy you have spent on cleaning up after them.).
If you are bold enough, you might even want to make them come over to your house to address a personal apology to get out of this case.

I mean, what do you have to loose?
Stab them hard, and then twist the knife, thats my life motto!

 

[LydonB]

Turn in coming from one direction and then back out going in that same direction?

Well, yeah.

 

[devouredremains]

If you removed the insult about their manliness your rough draft would be fairly acceptable although I think it's hilarious. But from my own experience people like this are looking to start a feud and want you to write back or say something to them. Ignoring them would most likely be the best way to get back at them.

 

[JBroll]

Make your name sound as lawyery as possible and bring the lawyer threats out first. If necessary, I've dealt with similar things.

Jeff

 

[JeffTD]

If you do send it, take out the part about them looking manly.

 

[MetallyGuitarded]

I'd take the letter you got written up add something about how it's impolite to touch other peoples vehicles/property and 'demonstrate' the point by using the following as a paper weight to hold your letter to their front porch. Also add something about this being some sort of peace offering or something.