need an honest opinion

[Xorv]

I'm having a poetry reading at my H.S. for a final exam (will be reading it to the entire school not just my class) and I need a second opnion about something.

Heres the piece

The Mind is a canvas
tasteless & pale
the maverick of the bleach ale

Our thoughts are the spectrum
giving form to the grey
adding textures to this dim display

Our dreams are the true creation
vivid as the colors between the spaces
the paintbrush, our own imagination

Until the day death creeps in and embraces
and we take out last breath and depart,
with the faceless
__________________________________________________
I dunno if I should take out embraces and just leave it at
"until the day death creeps in"
cause maybe thats 1 too many words that rhymes with spaces.

 

[Xorv]

omg posted in the wrong forum, haha this is definitely getting closed.

 

[ThepOpeth]

I'm having a poetry reading at my H.S. for a final exam (will be reading it to the entire school not just my class) and I need a second opnion about something.

Heres the piece

The Mind is a canvas
tasteless & pale
the maverick of the bleach ale

Our thoughts are the spectrum
giving form to the grey
adding textures to this dim display

Our dreams are the true creation
vivid as the colors between the spaces
the paintbrush, our own imagination

Until the day death creeps in and embraces
and we take out last breath and depart,
with the faceless
__________________________________________________
I dunno if I should take out embraces and just leave it at
"until the day death creeps in"
cause maybe thats 1 too many words that rhymes with spaces.

its really good i love the use of color in contrast with it's absence, but that last stanza sounds like a fragment, other than that, Excellent piece.

 

[Nasty-Fire]

I guess he's asking it to the "artists" that we are. To answer the threadmaker, humm I just don't know poetry enough to judge on it, but it sounded good overally, if this can motivate you .

 

[Mr. Bland]

Rewrite the last stanza, it sounds like a fragment. Other than that, pretty good.

This will most likely get deleted, but I hope you get this advice.

 

[MixGrafix]

Great Job.

Mix