Disclaimer - This is another attempt at writing an Onion-like news parody. Do not take this seriously.
Medical researchers working in ten different countries announced today that after months of painstaking research, they have discovered an effective, low-cost alternative to pharmaceutical sleeping aids whose efficiency has been questioned and have numerous side effects. This form of medicine requires no prescription, no doctor's examination, has no reported side effects, does not affect bodily functions or even pass through the body, and only needs to be purchased once. What sort of miracle drug can this be?
The music of Tool! Dr. Bryan Nolan of Columbia University first stumbled onto this discovery after using their album Lateralus to calm patients, whose bodily activity had rapidly declined over the course of the album, often to deep sleep and in some cases to near-comatose levels. "The music of Tool is a perfect solution to insomnia", Nolan remarked at a recent press conference. "Hearing the same droning and monotonous notes played with little variation over the course of seventy-five minutes will cause even the most hyperactive of patients to feel drowsy." Dr. Nolan further remarked that his revolutionary therapy is already working ("the album debuted at number one beause the research team had already mailed out a quarter million copies for experimental purposes") and has already been imitated ("one of my colleagues suggested an album by a band called Dream Theater, but it had that efect in only half the patients, most of whom had some sort of mental handicap. Another used one of those post-Roger Waters Floyd albums and it worked quite well, actually.")
When informed that his band's music has been used a sleeping aid, Tool vocalist Maynard James Keenan was surprisingly very accepting: "why do you think I never show my face in promotional material? If you think that Lateralus is a boring listen, imagine how tiresome creating it actuly was. Half the time we just popped some Valium and jammed, and that makes up agood two thirds of the record."
P.S. - To quote Scott Ian, if you're offended by this story, you're an idiot.
Medical researchers working in ten different countries announced today that after months of painstaking research, they have discovered an effective, low-cost alternative to pharmaceutical sleeping aids whose efficiency has been questioned and have numerous side effects. This form of medicine requires no prescription, no doctor's examination, has no reported side effects, does not affect bodily functions or even pass through the body, and only needs to be purchased once. What sort of miracle drug can this be?
The music of Tool! Dr. Bryan Nolan of Columbia University first stumbled onto this discovery after using their album Lateralus to calm patients, whose bodily activity had rapidly declined over the course of the album, often to deep sleep and in some cases to near-comatose levels. "The music of Tool is a perfect solution to insomnia", Nolan remarked at a recent press conference. "Hearing the same droning and monotonous notes played with little variation over the course of seventy-five minutes will cause even the most hyperactive of patients to feel drowsy." Dr. Nolan further remarked that his revolutionary therapy is already working ("the album debuted at number one beause the research team had already mailed out a quarter million copies for experimental purposes") and has already been imitated ("one of my colleagues suggested an album by a band called Dream Theater, but it had that efect in only half the patients, most of whom had some sort of mental handicap. Another used one of those post-Roger Waters Floyd albums and it worked quite well, actually.")
When informed that his band's music has been used a sleeping aid, Tool vocalist Maynard James Keenan was surprisingly very accepting: "why do you think I never show my face in promotional material? If you think that Lateralus is a boring listen, imagine how tiresome creating it actuly was. Half the time we just popped some Valium and jammed, and that makes up agood two thirds of the record."
P.S. - To quote Scott Ian, if you're offended by this story, you're an idiot.
