new story of mine...

[dreaming neon darkspot]

http://storywrite.com/Story/1689046

i know i haven't whored my writing out on here in forever, and i haven't gotten much commentary on this story and i'm kinda proud of this one for some reason ... it's really simple, actually, but i'm good with simple. i've found that my writing style is usually too pretentious to maintain steam past several pages, and my character development is general suckdom so ... longer stories don't work well right now. uhh ... constructive criticsm is encouraged and you just get my eternal love for checking out my writing.

 

[El Stormo]

Your story has been printed and will be read tomorrow

If you're interested in fiction, I've written quite a few stories too, two of which you'll find here.

 

[LORD_RED_DRAGON]

http://storywrite.com/Story/1689046

i know i haven't whored my writing out on here in forever, and i haven't gotten much commentary on this story and i'm kinda proud of this one for some reason ... it's really simple, actually, but i'm good with simple. i've found that my writing style is usually too pretentious to maintain steam past several pages, and my character development is general suckdom so ... longer stories don't work well right now. uhh ... constructive criticsm is encouraged and you just get my eternal love for checking out my writing.

I LOVED IT THE END REMINDED ME OF THOSE "I'M A GHOST AND THIS IS THE STORY OF HOW I DIED" STORIES FROM THE LATE 80'S - EARLY 90'S

 

[El Stormo]

Very good story! Two small things though:

"By the time I got back, Raymond's body was already cold." - Bodies cool off very slowly.

I'd change the end though. And edit out the part where the main character says: "Roland? What are you doing here?". It's a bit too obvious. Better would be, IMHO, to never say Roland's name, so that the protagonist stumbles upon 'Raymond' and that 'Raymond' simply says, "My brother's coming..."

That way you can let the reader figure it out for himself, which is more interesting than you simply handing it to him.

 

[LORD_RED_DRAGON]

"By the time I got back, Raymond's body was already cold." - Bodies cool off very slowly.

I NOTICED THAT TOO BUT SERIOUSLY I DON'T THINK RANDOM PEOPLE ARE GONNA NOTICE EXCEPT THE PEOPLE THAT AREN'T GONNA CARE... AGREED WHITH THE OTHER THING YOU SAID THOUGH

 

[LORD_RED_DRAGON]

I JUST WANTED TO TELL EVERY BODY THAT DREAMING NEON DARKSPOT IS A REALLY GREAT WRITER

 

[HalcyonHullaballo]

its a piece of good work indeed,I like the atmosphere but its definitely too short and I couldnt fully identify with the situation!!work on it and it'll be awsome!!

 

[LORD_RED_DRAGON]

its a piece of good work indeed,I like the atmosphere but its definitely too short and I couldnt fully identify with the situation!!work on it and it'll be awsome!!

YEAH IT WAS TOO SHORT YOU SHOULD FIND A WAY TO LENGTHEN IT A LOT

 

[dreaming neon darkspot]

YEAH IT WAS TOO SHORT YOU SHOULD FIND A WAY TO LENGTHEN IT A LOT

i wrote it in literally 20 minutes, for a contest on that site that was closing the next day. if i would've started really developing the characters and putting in details, it would've taken the rest of the day and then i probobly would've wound up deleting it anyway.

 

[LORD_RED_DRAGON]

i wrote it in literally 20 minutes, for a contest on that site that was closing the next day. if i would've started really developing the characters and putting in details, it would've taken the rest of the day and then i probobly would've wound up deleting it anyway.

YEAH I COULD TELL YOU WROTE IT IN 20 MIN LIKE A CHRISTOPHER PIKE BOOK BUT YOU DID IT SO MUCH BETTER
YOU COULD DEVELOP CHARACHTERS AND PUT IN DETAILS NOW THAT THE CONTEST IS OVER AND IT WOULD BE THE BEST FICTION... EVER

 

[dreaming neon darkspot]

haha, Christopher Pike is so lame.

i think i will work more on this story once i finish some of the other ones currently consuming my time...

 

[LORD_RED_DRAGON]

haha, Christopher Pike is so lame.

i think i will work more on this story once i finish some of the other ones currently consuming my time...

IF SOMEONE AS LAME AS CHRISTOPHER PIKE COULD GET HIS CRAP PUBLISHED IN AN ACTUAL BOOK INSTEAD OF ONLINE THEN SURELY THE GREATNESS OF YOUR ONLINE WORK WOULD BE AN INSTANT BESTSELLER

 

[El Stormo]

I'm cool with the shortness. It is after all a short story. You don't need to develop too much, everything comes from atmosphere and events.

 

[HalcyonHullaballo]

I'm cool with the shortness. It is after all a short story. You don't need to develop too much, everything comes from atmosphere and events.

nahh...you're just lazy and you're not really eager to read some kind of longer text-admit it!1

 

[El Stormo]

Aw, that hurt man

 

[LORD_RED_DRAGON]

nahh...you're just lazy and you're not really eager to read some kind of longer text-admit it!1