UMOS Joke Thread...

[sixxswine]

No it's not a thread dedicated to Janick Jers! Wait a minute?!

What do you call a guy that hangs out with musicians?!

That's right! Janick Jers!

Seriously...
What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

After your date you can drop her off anywhere... I think JD is familiar with this!


What's the difference between a rooster & a prositute?!

Again, JD might know this one!

A rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo," while prositute says "any cock'll do!"

 

[Wyvern]

Gross!

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

 

[tedvanfrehley]

Two guys from Kentucky (or insert any state here), Bubba and Earl, are having lunch one day on the tailgate of Earl's truck when a rotweiler happens upon them. The dog starts growling and Bubba, ever the peace maker, offers the dog some of his sandwich. After a couple bites, the dog sits down with the men as if he'd known them forever. A few minutes go by, when the dog begins to lick himself where dogs typically want to lick themself. (Don't need to be any more graphic than that, do I?) Bubba sees the dog....

"Dadgummit, Earl! I sure wish I could do that!" he tells his friend.

"BUBBA!" says Earl, disgusted, "That dog would BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE YOU!!!!"

 

[JonnyD]

No it's not a thread dedicated to Janick Jers! Wait a minute?!

What do you call a guy that hangs out with musicians?!

That's right! Janick Jers!

Seriously...
What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

After your date you can drop her off anywhere... I think JD is familiar with this!


What's the difference between a rooster & a prositute?!

Again, JD might know this one!

A rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo," while prositute says "any cock'll do!"

yep those are right up my ally

Though for the record IMO Janick Gers is HIGHLY and Criminally Underrated! anyways

Why Does Michal Jackson like twentyeight year olds? ..........

































.... Cause theres 20 of them!!

 

[Wyvern]

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

 

[tedvanfrehley]

Wyvern THAT is a classic!! Hope you don't mind if I use that all over the place at work on Monday!

 

[sixxswine]

Fuck! Did you hear Michael Jackson was arrested this morning at his local K-Mart? It seems that they were having a "blue light" special, 1/2 off toddlers pants...

And for the record, the only thing crimminal about Janick Jers, is that he gets paid for what he does... Just what does he do?!

Two whores were working the streets in the middle of a blizzard...
One calls the other over from across the street.
The first says to the other, "how's business?"
The second says, "no good, this damn weather really killed
any chance of getting even a happy meal in my belly."
The first says, "no kidding!" An then says, " I just had to blow a homeless guy
just to get something warm in my stomach!"

 

[kittybeast]

Two whores were working the streets in the middle of a blizzard...
One calls the other over from across the street.
The first says to the other, "how's business?"
The second says, "no good, this damn weather really killed
any chance of getting even a happy meal in my belly."
The first says, "no kidding!" An then says, " I just had to blow a homeless guy
just to get something warm in my stomach!"

uke: eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww

 

[zeppelin]

It's a typical S.A. farm community pub and in walk this multi coloured hair punk and a few of his buddies.
He recieves his fair due of conservative stares but one old man at the bar counter keeps on staring untill his driven to confront the old geezer.
"Excuse me sir", he sais. "Can't help noticing you staring at me, it is highly uncomfortable, besides, haven't YOU done anything crazy in YOUR life before"
"Yes", replied the old man, "When I was a bit older than you I Fucked a peacock, I think you might be my son"

 

[Bryant]

Three guys are training for the CIA. They passed all of the tests except for one. If they pass the last test, then they are officially CIA agents. The instructor tells the first guy I want you to kill the person in the next room. He then gives the student a gun. The guy walks into the room and sees his wife there. He turns around and walks out and gives the agent his gun. "I just can't do it" says the student."
The agent does the same thing with the next guy. The guy walks into the room, closes the door and after a couple of minutes walks back out. "I just can't shoot my wife." He gives the gun to the last guy. THe last guy walks into the room, fires off six quick rounds, then there is a huge struggle, screaming and a big "thud." The guy walsk out of the room and says, the gun had blanks in it so I had to strangle the bitch !!


Bryant

 

[Wyvern]

Bryant that was gold! Zep joke was also a riot. Sixx that was disgusting (i have to found something grosser )

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over and to try to keep quiet, they devise a code. His girlfrend will say tomato if she wants him to go slower and lettuce for him to go faster. As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "lettuce,lettuce, tomato, tomato!" The roommate on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says, "Stop making sandwiches at night, you got mayonaise in my eye!"

 

[carnut]

A little kid is playing with his train, his mum listens to him from the kitchen....The kid goes; "will all you fucking slow passengers enter the fucking train, come on bastards we haven't got all day !!!" The mum gets upset and sends the kid to his bedroom. After 2 houres or so the kid is allowed back to play with his train and mum tells him to use much more pollite language when playing !! Mum goes back to the kitchen and hears ; "will all passengers please enter the train. Please give older children and pregnant woman a seat. We will soon be leaving if you hear the ringing bells".....mum is pretty happy with that and than the kid says; "Sorry we had a 2 houre delay, but that's becouse of that fuckin' bitch in the kitchen!!" .....

 

[Wyvern]

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."

"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."

"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."

 

[kittybeast]

Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians with Their Translated "Country" Definitions


12 Tone Scale: The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailor truck with.

A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville.

Arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.

Bass: The things you run around in Softball.

Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives.

Cadenza: The ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off when company comes.

Cello: The proper way to answer the phone.

Clef: What you try to never fall off of.

Bass Clef: Where you wind up if you do fall off.

Conductor: The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.

Cut Time: Parole.

Diminished 5th: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar.

Passing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.

Perfect 5th: A full bottle of Jack Daniels.

Perfect Pitch: The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.

1/4 tone: What most standard pickups can haul.

Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps.

Relative Minor: A girlfriend.

Repeat: What you do until they just expel you.

Ritard: There's one in every family.

Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.

Staccato: How you did all your ceilings in your mobile home.

Tempo: Good choice for a used car.

Time Signature: What you need from your boss if your forget to clock in.

Transpositions: Men who wear dresses.

Treble: Women ain't nothin' but.

Whole Note: What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
Submitted by Clay

 

[War Machine 212]

Yo Mama's So Fat....when she dances she makes the band skip.

Yo Mama's So Fat....she puts mayonnaise on aspirn

Yo Mama's So Fat....her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Yo Mama's So Fat....when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her
peanuts.

Yo Mama's So Fat....her driver's license says" Picture continued on other
side."

Yo Mama's So Fat....the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

Yo Mama's So Fat....all the restaurants in town have signs that say
"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama".

Yo Mama's So Fat....when she walks in front of the TV I miss 4 shows.

Yo Mama's So Fat....when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo Mama's So Fat....she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo Mama's So Fat....she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo Mama's So Fat....I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her
good side.

Yo Mama's So Fat....her nickname is "DAAAMN!!"

Yo Mama's So Fat....she has to iron her pants on the driveway.

Yo Mama's So Fat....she's on BOTH sides of the family.

Yo Mama's So Fat....she could sell shade.

Yo Mama's So Fat....when she crosses the street, cars look out for her..

Yo Mama's So Fat....people jog around her for exercise.

Yo Mama's So Fat....her blood type is Ragu.

Yo Mama's So Fat....when she goes to a restaurant,she doesn't get a menu,
she gets an estimate.

Yo Mama's So Fat....if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his
word for it!

Yo Mama's So Fat....she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

Yo Mama's So Fat....when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back
party.

Yo Mama's So Fat....she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Yo Mama's So Fat....she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Yo Mama's So Fat....her belly button doesn't have fluff, it has sweaters.

Yo Mama's So Fat....she was walking down the street, I swerved to miss
her, and ran out of petrol.

 

[kittybeast]

Why do hummingbirds hum?"








"Because they don't know the words."

 

[Wheezer]

Who's Your Daddy?

When someone puts in for State or Federal Child Support, one of the requirements is to attempt to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support.

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way. ..

Who's your Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

****************************************************
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

[Wyvern]

There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes out and buys some crotch less underwear.
She goes home and puts them on and goes downstairs. Her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on tv and she goes and sits in front of him, but he tries to look aroung her at the tv.

She opens her legs and says, "You want some of this?"

The husban replies, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear."

 

[kittybeast]

The Camel
A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sargent leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

 

[Wyvern]

A tribal leader finds that his wife has had a white baby. Enraged, he brings the baby to the missionary at the tribe and says, "You are the only white man to inhabit our land. Explain to me how my baby is white." Terrified, missionary responds, "Now, now..please do not make any hasty assumptions. Look at those white sheep over there? Among them there is one black one. There is no explanation as to how it got that color and is just a miracle of nature." The tribe leader pauses for a second, then says, "I apologize, sir. I understand you well and clear. I'll keep quiet about the baby if you keep quiet about the sheep."