You Thought YOU Knew What Metal Was About...?

[Walter_Langkowski]

I got this off of an internet 'zine and I busted out quite a few roars of laughter at these. See for yourself...



THE GENRES OF HEAVY METAL

HEAVY METAL: The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the
dragon, drinks some beers and fucks the princess.

GRIND METAL: The protagonist arrives, screams something completely
undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

POWER METAL: The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes
from the dragon, saves the princess and they make love in an enchanted
forest.

TRASH METAL: The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the
princess and fucks her....... easy and quick.

FOLK METAL: The protagonist arrives with some friends playing
accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the
dragon falls asleep (from all the dancing) protagonist leaves without
the princess.

VIKING METAL: The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with
his mighty mighty axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death,
loots the castle and burns it down before he leaves.

DEATH METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the
princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL: The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and
impales it in the front of the castle.....then sodomizes the princess,
drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her.....then he impales
the deflowered princess.

GORE METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his
guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her....then
he fucks her dead body, slashes her belly open and eats her guts,
fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it
for the last time.

DOOM METAL: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and
thinks that he never could beat him, gets depressed and commits
suicide....the dragon eats his body and the princess as well.

PROGRESSIVE METAL: The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a
solo for 26 minutes, the dragon kills himself out of boredom, the
protagonist goes to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all
the techniques learned in the last year of the conservatory... the
princess escapes, and is now looking for the "HEAVY METAL"
protagonist.

GLAM METAL: The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's
appearance and lets him enter, he steals the princess' make-up and
tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat,
makes obscene gestures towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of
fairy tale land by security guards.

CHRISTIAN METAL: The protagonist rides in on his way home from church
and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus
loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is
immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the
protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex
before marriage."

 

[dargormudshark]

Haven't we alredy had this thread?

 

[Walter_Langkowski]

Did we? I must have missed it if it was on here already. Sorry. Still pretty damn funny though.

 

[TheGraveDigger]

Heavy Metal, Grind Metal, Folk Metal, and Gore Metal had me laughing the most, haha.

 

[BABS]

Thanks for posting it man, I did not see it before. I found it hysterical.

 

[dargormudshark]

Yeah it is funny

It forgot Melodic death metal though- The guy in his 20's from Gothenburg kills the dragon back when he was into heavier stuff, has sex with the princess, all of a sudden teenagers in the States hear about this and the guy from Gothenburg goes Nu-metal.

Also you forgot Scandinavian Cinematic Metal- The guy kills the dragon and does the princess then she dies, he is so depressed he forgets. Then when he hacks into his own mind he remembers the event and his story is turned into a concept album.

 

[Stagefright]

Bumped this one up for some new responses. Here's mine. Thanks J.R.R.


SYMPHONIC METAL: The protagonist arrives atop his loyal steed bearing a flaming sword to fight the dragon beast from hell, as the battle rages several centuries the princess fall ill and is diagnosed with a fatal disease, the battle ceases and the protagonist tends to the ailing princess. When the princess dies, sorrowed by her death the two opposing forces set out to heal and cleanse the land. When the fellowship’s task is complete they beheld white shores and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise then of course at the next concert, a song is written and dedicated to their lost love.

 

[Barking Pumpkin]

....how about Avant-Garde?

 

[dargormudshark]

Bumped this one up for some new responses. Here's mine. Thanks J.R.R.


SYMPHONIC METAL: The protagonist arrives atop his loyal steed bearing a flaming sword to fight the dragon beast from hell, as the battle rages several centuries the princess fall ill and is diagnosed with a fatal disease, the battle ceases and the protagonist tends to the ailing princess. When the princess dies, sorrowed by her death the two opposing forces set out to heal and cleanse the land. When the fellowship’s task is complete they beheld white shores and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise then of course at the next concert, a song is written and dedicated to their lost love.

The protagonist can't feel pain anymore and he is so lost in a world of sorrow...i'm guessing

 

[IceDragonX]

Oh my God..I cried from laughing so hard...that is hilarious.

 

[Joe-×]

PINK CREAM 69 METAL:

The protagonist weaves through a field of pretty yellow daisies on a Red Rider tricycle, shares a nice red dye #40 Vichyssoise recipe with the dragon, reads a poem about a ballerina, and ejaculates in his pants when he notices the princess.

 

[aztattooedsean]

Trash metal??:Smug:


other wise hilarious!!:Spin:

 

[dargormudshark]

Bryant Metal: The protagonist arrives at 8:00 on a friday or saturday in september and kicks the crap out of the dragon, he is too busy to worry about a freakin' princess and instead hangs out with the villagers who love him for kicking the crap out of the dragon. After a wekend of partying with the villagers he goes home to Sweeden, Germany, or possibly Minnesota. The villagers constantly talk about his kicking the crap out of the dragon in the aincent scriptures of the forum

 

[Pellaz]

PROGPOWER METAL: the protagonist arrives and warily sizes up the dragon. A few charged seconds pass, and then realization dawns.
"Hey, waitaminute, dude! Were't you at ProgPower last year? Cool dragon t-shirt!"
"Yeah! I was there! You were on the patio at the Fairfield! How the fuck ARE you?!"
"Oh, shit, you mean you saw me throwing up in the bushes?"
"Well.....I managed to make it back to my room and find the toilet...."
The protagonist and the 'dragon' continue to swap ProgPower reminiscences while the princess flounces off, annoyed at being forgotten.
"Hell, let her go," says the dragon. "She wasn't anywhere near as cute as that bartender chick."

 

[Rakosh]

PROGPOWER METAL: the protagonist arrives and warily sizes up the dragon. A few charged seconds pass, and then realization dawns.
"Hey, waitaminute, dude! Were't you at ProgPower last year? Cool dragon t-shirt!"
"Yeah! I was there! You were on the patio at the Fairfield! How the fuck ARE you?!"
"Oh, shit, you mean you saw me throwing up in the bushes?"
"Well.....I managed to make it back to my room and find the toilet...."
The protagonist and the 'dragon' continue to swap ProgPower reminiscences while the princess flounces off, annoyed at being forgotten.
"Hell, let her go," says the dragon. "She wasn't anywhere near as cute as that bartender chick."

Now THAT was funny!

:Smokin:

 

[dargormudshark]

PROGPOWER METAL: the protagonist arrives and warily sizes up the dragon. A few charged seconds pass, and then realization dawns.
"Hey, waitaminute, dude! Were't you at ProgPower last year? Cool dragon t-shirt!"
"Yeah! I was there! You were on the patio at the Fairfield! How the fuck ARE you?!"
"Oh, shit, you mean you saw me throwing up in the bushes?"
"Well.....I managed to make it back to my room and find the toilet...."
The protagonist and the 'dragon' continue to swap ProgPower reminiscences while the princess flounces off, annoyed at being forgotten.
"Hell, let her go," says the dragon. "She wasn't anywhere near as cute as that bartender chick."

HAHA