The joke thread

Being Australian is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home grabbing a Turkish kebab on the way to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house
Faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Australia ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

In 2000, eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

s
 
A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavour ice cream in the world."

"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavour ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of cunt flavoured ice cream please."

"No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.

Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like cunt, it tastes like shit!" The assistant replies,

"Of course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks!"
 
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
 
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3Kp6XP5lFU&feature=related[/ame]

Just too funny...

"Jesus set me free from Homosexuality"
 
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing me.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor ... . . But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.'Harder'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'
 
A young girl just turns 17 and goes for her provisional drivers license. She manages to pass with flying colours so, full of excitement, she rushes home to tell her parents the good news and see if she can borrow the car that night and show off to her friends.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first." Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

"Oh yeah, sorry love" her father replied. "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."
 
A man is in a bar for about an hour, ordering and downing shot after shot of vodka. By about the 20th shot the bartender is getting pretty concerned so, recognising the behaviour of a man in distress, approaches him and asks what's wrong.

"I still can't believe it... I knocked off work early today thinking I could surprise my wife with an afternoon out but when I got home I caught her in bed screwing my best friend."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." the bartender replied. "What did you do?"

"I dragged my wife out of the bed by her feet, threw a pile of her clothes into a suitcase and told her to fuck off and never come back."

"Ouch, that's tough... what about the best friend? What did you do about him?"

"I grabbed him by the head, looked him straight in the eyes and said to him: bad, bad dog!"
 
Two aliens landed in the desert near an abandoned petrol station.

One approached the petrol bowser and said to it "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The bowser of course did not respond.

The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the bowser's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire."

The other alien ran to his comrade shouting, "No, you must not anger him..." but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned in my travels throughout the galaxy it's, if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don't screw with him.

s
 
They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly.

His first 100 days and wham - - - Pig's flu!


I rang the Pig Flu hot line but all i got was crackling

I did hear they now have an oinkment for it

Apparently my mate's got Pig Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.

s
 
A fellow walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and
if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first.....
Those are2 0the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.


Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.

You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.



Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door,
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
then nothing but silence!



Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,
'Now where's that old woman
with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions,
and don't trust your judgment