A Short Course in Metal

[Danny rctv]

POWER METAL:
Hero rides in on a white unicorn, slays the dragon with an elven sword,
rescues the princess and makes love to her in the enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL:
Hero comes, beats the dragon to death and fucks the princess.

HEAVY METAL:
Hero drives in on his Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a couple of
bottles of beer and has sex with the princess.

FOLK METAL:
Hero comes with a bunch of friends who are playing accordions, violins,
flutes and other instruments. Seeing all this, the dragon gets tired and
falls asleep. After that, the hero and his friends leave.... Without the
princess.

VIKING METAL:
Hero sails in on his drakkar, with his giant axe he chops off the
dragon's head, skins the dragon's body and eats it. He rapes the
princess till she dies, steals all the treasure from the castle and sets
the castle on fire before sailing away on his drakkar.

DEATH METAL:
Hero comes in, kills the dragon, has sex with the princes, kills her and
then leaves.

BLACK METAL:
Hero appears at midnight, murders the dragon and impales his body on a
stake in front of the castle. After that, he sodomizes the princess,
drinking her blood in the process. After that, he impales her body on
the same stake.

GORE METAL:
Hero appears, brutally murders the dragon, spreading all of the dragon's
entrails in front of the castle. He fucks the princess, then kills her.
He then fucks her corpse, rips open her belly and eats her innards. He
then fucks the corpse again and burns it.

DOOM METAL:
Hero appears, sees how huge the dragon is and thinks about the fact that
he can never defeat such a huge beast. He gets very depressed and
commits suicide. The dragon devours hero's lifeless body. Such is the
end of this sad, melancholy story...

PROGRESSIVE METAL:
Hero appears with his guitar and plays a solo lasting 26 minutes. Dragon
kills himself from boredom. Hero then enters the room of the princess
where he proceeds to play another solo utilizing all the advanced guitar
techniques he learned in conservatory. Princess runs away in search of
hero from HEAVY METAL section.

 

[Sabbathking]

Hahaha!I remember this-love it man!Us metal heads have to have a sense of humor about ourselves.

 

[Metallicat180]

Hahahaha!!!!! Brilliant!!!

 

[thorhammer]

I love it! Esp the power metal! Doom should read:

"Hero appears, sees how huge the dragon is and thinks about the fact that
he can never defeat such a huge beast. He gets very depressed, so depressed that the dragon gets depressed and kills itself, then the princess gets so depressed she jumps out of the tower, leaving the hero sitting dejectedly on the ground for the next century, till the guitar riff ends."

\m/ Hammer

 

[Metallicat180]

I love it! Esp the power metal! Doom should read:

"Hero appears, sees how huge the dragon is and thinks about the fact that
he can never defeat such a huge beast. He gets very depressed, so depressed that the dragon gets depressed and kills itself, then the princess gets so depressed she jumps out of the tower, leaving the hero sitting dejectedly on the ground for the next century, till the guitar riff ends."

m/ Hammer

Are you sure that's not what the emo section should say??

 

[MattDouglas]

Okay,
It's been started, can't resist! This is a place for Maiden fans after all.

FLIGHT OF ICARUS:
Hero flies on wings to top of secluded tower, where he finds princess in secluded tower where she been shut in room without windows for years. Thinks to himself: "That was easy, no dragon. I won't get burned at all." Princess starts to disrobe, whereby hero is blinded from the brightness of her pale skin as she's had no sun exposure. Hero stumbles around in shock , bruises one wing, then stumble out the tower window, and plummets to his death thanks to his injured wing.

QUEST FOR FIRE:
Hero trod cross land. Whack dragon head with club. Whack princess head with club. Grab princess hair. Pull princess back cave. Make babies on princess.

ACES HIGH:
Hero fly to princess in jet. Dragon soars to intercept. Fire breath is no match for....
Okay, this one sucks, but hey, Aces High, flying dragons; Shrek 4 producers listen up here!!

More to come later, but let's see how many Maiden songs y'all can do with this while I break!

 

[Lord of Delusions]

Are you sure that's not what the emo section should say??

No way. The emo versions would be like this...


The "Hero" (though he would never admit to himself that he actually was, if he actually was) enters by shuffling his feet and pulling his chain mail hoodie down as tight as it will go. He see's the dragon and weeps for him and the ages of pain and misunderstanding that he has endured. Hero then goes on a "deep" rant about the harshness of life and why its unfair that he, the dragon, and the maiden have all been forced into the situation they are now in. The maiden is initially attracted to the hero with the soft heart, then slowly comes to realize he's a crybaby pussy who probably breast fed untill he was 12. The dragon decides to not waste any amount of usefull energy on the little shit, and with the maiden in tow, they head to the nearest Taco Bell for lunch. The hero, once realizing he no longer has an audience, heads off to the mall to mope around with his friends in front of "Hot Topic".