Alligator

[Wolff]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle!!".

 

[Wolff]

Here's another one:

The Annual Womans right convention was starting when the chairperson says:
"Before we continue I want to hear from a few women about how they got on after the last convention when we spoke about being more assertive with out husbands"

Scottish Woman:
"Well I went home and told ma husband that 'ee 'ad to do the washing and cleanin' uuup.
After 1 day I suw nuttin' , the second day I suw nuttin' but after the third day he 'ad dune all the washing and cleaning"

Whistles and claps greeted her as she got down from the mic

English Woman:
"Well when I went home I told the fecker that he was doing the shopping in future.
The first day I saw nothing, the second day I saw nothying, but on the third day the fridge and all the presses were full"

The crowd were on their feet in ecstasy

Irish woman:
"Well when I went home I went straight up to him and told him that he was cooking dinners in future and thats the way it was cause I am not doing it any fucking more.
The first day I saw nothing.
The second day I saw nothing.
On the third day I could see a little out of my left eye"

 

[Wolff]

And another one for the Aussies

One day a ventriloquist was driving through a country town in Australia when he saw a farmer rocking away on his rockong chair on the front porch. He stops his car and decides to have some fun.

He walks up to the farmer and asks him how animals are and tells him that they are in good shape and that he must be looking after them well.

The farmer was a bit taken a back but answers yes. The ventriloquist tells asks the farmer can he talk to his animals, the farmer was a bit taken aback but agrees.

The ventriloquist goes over to the horse:
Ventriloquist : How are you Mr Ed, is the farmer feeding you well.
Horse : Yeah, 2 square meals a day and plenty of water, couldnt ask for much more

The farmer is shocked and lost for words
The ventriloquist then goes over to some cattle

ventriloquist: So, Daisy how do you find life on the farm.
Cow : Fabulous, lovely barn to sleep in a wide open fields to graze in.

The farmer mumbles, how come they talk to you. The ventriloquist holds in his laughter and tells him its a gift.

The ventriloquist then walks over to one of the sheep and the farmer rushes over and shouts Dont believe a word she says, she's a fucking liar!!!!!!

 

[Ivo]

Hi Wolff!!!What's happened to board is dead in Anathema?

 

[Wolff]

don't know, don't care.

 

[Jayde]

Please, Wolff, there may be children here!

 

[bleed for me]

hehe

 

[Wolff]

How do you piss Winnie the Pooh off??
Stick two fingers in his honey

 

[D Mullholand]

But the best joke is the thread title !