@ Eli all I can say is I left the forum and all interwebz when my house burnt down I put every spare second into rebuilding really learnt a lot about myself in the last 18 months I took up being an alcoholic, contimplated suicide and tried my best at one point to kill myself with drugs and speed like a maniac everywhere when I was driving
But don't worry I'm fixed now but it took a lot of stress and counsuling but eventually I came round decided I'd rather live my life than doing all that bullshit it was strange but found out I was doing all that to try and relive a life and death situation I was stupid but luckly kept my job, my friends and my family.
So I know what it's like to have feelings that you don't or can't understand but it's alright at some point it'll all make sence when it does I'm sure you'll be able to make the right decisions