Existential Crisis

[speed]

This is terribly self-serving, but anyway…

I am in the midst of a full-blown existential crisis. I know, I know, how pointless: another worthless soul having an existential crisis—who cares? Yes, I agree, I’m a relatively worthless soul (if Plato is correct, and moreover, if I’m deemed to actually have one) I barely care about anyone else. Hell, I don’t even know if I’d respond to anyone else’s crisis on this board. I’m sure I’d cynically chuckle at them.

For the past month, at precisely 7:00 am every weekday morning, I am awoken by the alarm clock—if I’m actually asleep—and start my day. My head feels woozy, and I basically wade through the first few minutes of the morning, thinking about the horror of my upcoming day of work and the horror of the world. I shower, dress and then guzzle a few cups of strong acrid coffee, while stuffing oatmeal or bread into my odiferous rictus. My poor belly then starts to clench up underneath my rock hard abs. I then take a final look in the mirror, gazing at the Roman-nosed copper headed-man reflected, and then return to the bedroom to kiss my love on her gorgeous ivory forehead and leave for the half hour commute. Whether cerulean blue skies, or turgid and torrential downpours on my commute, it starts. A neurotic nervousness takes over my mind, my stomach continues to hurt, and my body aches. I yawn incessantly.

I sit down at my desk, and try to start. Listen to the co-workers go on about their weekends or tv-shows, or converse about work. I stare at my computer. I think of the work I need to complete by the end of the week, surf the web, stare at the walls—the cubicle walls (death is a cubicle), and then it returns.

It feels like…it feels like waking paralysis. I can operate—I can perform the ordinary tasks I need to like driving, acting like Im working (or working if I must), etc—but that’s it. Then, then I start thinking. Thinking how I despise my job and would like to walk out. Thinking that really, I will never be happy with whatever “occupation” I obtain. Then I think of the remaining minutes I have trapped, imprisoned in this cubicle. And then I ponder my options…different professions, getting that phd, paying for our comfy townhouse on the pond, the fragility and trap of knowledge, the horror of our materially sated world, the triviality of philosophy and literature, the vanity of it itself, the vanity of me, the lack of personal willpower and sacrifice. They all point to work: 40 hours a week, for at least another thirty years; work that produces nothing terrifically important; two weeks of vacation; the weekend.

And the paralysis grows deeper. Sheer agony—like being operated on while conscious and without painkillers—every second is soul torture. And then, at precisely 4:30 pm (or much later), it’s over. I add up my time of freedom until the next day, and return to my love.

All is perfect in this rest, other than occasional periods when it returns; most prevalent right before I attempt to resume my daily communion with Somnus, and it also sneaks up when I attempt to resume my communion with the muse of literature. It has spared my love. Yet she notices.

What is it?




I don’t know (but here are some not so literary comments): a feeling of the nihilism of it all; of the many wasted hours; of whether or not I have the strength and ability to live in it for the next thirty years. What is the purpose? What is the purpose of the world? Is it even real? Why?

I dare say much of it is related to two things: love and a new job. I found love, and began totally rethinking all I held dear. I began seeing what was really important: happiness, love, laughter, sacrifice, the soul. And I switched jobs last month. I received a large raise, and was promised many things. Instead, I quickly learned I was to be little more than a secretary—a worker bee. I was interim and consulting director; I had some influence. I have none now. Still, it’s a relatively easy job. It’s not too difficult. I just find no meaning in it, or any other possible job I could make a living. I see no point in rebelling by stocking shelves or working manual labor, etc. I’ve tried it before. It’s slightly more satisfying, but the money is poor (I’m not rich), and everyone knows you don’t belong, including you. It’s also a rather banal form of rebellion these days.

So what to do? How do I maximize what is important? How do I shake this (other than obviously switching jobs)? How do I stop thinking about it? Has anyone else had a similar experience? Are we lucky we even can have these introspective thoughts when out ancestors (well, mine at least) toiled in fields for some lord, or factories for some capitalist just a few generations ago? Or am I just a dumb guy who cant accept I cant have it all?

 

[Insurrectionary]

yeah, i feel ya. i've been here and there, stocking shelves, in graduate school, etc. etc. blah blah blah. and it's all a bunch of alienating, unfulfilling bullshit. i say burn down civilization and start over in warm savanah/temperate forest where we were biologically meant to live. that's my advice.

 

[bthom]

Ok I can only tell you what I think maybe it doesn't make sense, maybe it does.

I find it hard enough to get out of bed everyday before 12. You are doing something right getting up that early.

Last night I saw these tramps going through a cigarette container taking 50+ ends to try and salvage 1 smoke from. Then they probably had to go and sleep in the freezing cold. Even though you have to go through 40+ hours of boredom you still have a roof, food, someone close who repects you.

This is probably why people form bands, become artists, or start creative companies. So they can leave a mark on the world, so they can turn their days into the pursuit of something that provides the wealth to get by but the inner satisfaction that you are furthering yourself.

OK if that was all bullshit ignore it, life can be really tedious but there are alot of people worse off, seriously worse off, no food, no shelter etc.

 

[speed]

Ok I can only tell you what I think maybe it doesn't make sense, maybe it does.

I find it hard enough to get out of bed everyday before 12. You are doing something right getting up that early.

Last night I saw these tramps going through a cigarette container taking 50+ ends to try and salvage 1 smoke from. Then they probably had to go and sleep in the freezing cold. Even though you have to go through 40+ hours of boredom you still have a roof, food, someone close who repects you.

This is probably why people form bands, become artists, or start creative companies. So they can leave a mark on the world, so they can turn their days into the pursuit of something that provides the wealth to get by but the inner satisfaction that you are furthering yourself.

OK if that was all bullshit ignore it, life can be really tedious but there are alot of people worse off, seriously worse off, no food, no shelter etc.

No I agree with you here. Thats what makes it even more agonizing: because relatively, I, or we, have it so damn good. Do we have the right to complain?

 

[Insurrectionary]

No I agree with you here. Thats what makes it even more agonizing: because relatively, I, or we, have it so damn good. Do we have the right to complain?

Rights are a figment of the imagination. if you want to complain...complain. it's simple. shelter is bullshit. it's not biologically necessary, and if you look at the anthropological origins of shelter you'll see what its function has been. I'd recommend Peter Wilson's The Domestication of the Human Species and Paul Shepard's Nature and Madness which deconstruct shelter and domestication. food, yeah, we have a lot of it now if you are not poor, but it's low quality, toxic waste for the most part that is extremely ecologically destructive and not healthy for the body. it also requires no engaged effort with your food, leaving you as a castrated spectator/consumer. hunters and gatherers don't have these problems. hence sitting bull said he would rather starve when meat is scarce then live inside civilization.

 

[Insurrectionary]

This is probably why people form bands, become artists, or start creative companies. So they can leave a mark on the world, so they can turn their days into the pursuit of something that provides the wealth to get by but the inner satisfaction that you are furthering yourself.

leaving a mark on the world is a product of a culturally induced fear of death and a neurotic desrire to create and not relax.

 

[bthom]

Shelter isn't mandatory but its kind of nice... mm electricity, PC, guitars, fucking huge speker cabinets and engl amps, vinyl, books. Yeah only posessions, but quite enjoyable ones.

I guess it depends on what food you eat, yesterday I had rabbit which was shot a few hours before I ate it.

We still have the right to complain even though we have it this good, life is shit whatever position you are in, just find the things that give you any trace of happiness and pursue them, for me thats listening to metal, playing guitar and having a PC.

I know this is very materialistic and not very philisophical, maybe a bit simple, im just saying it how it is, find something you enjoy and spend as much time as possible doing it.

About the creating and not relaxing, Opeth have created some of the best music in the world and they seem pretty relaxed most of the time. Maybe they are neurotic wrecks inside but I doubt it.

 

[Insurrectionary]

Shelter isn't mandatory but its kind of nice... mm electricity, PC, guitars, fucking huge speker cabinets and engl amps, vinyl, books. Yeah only posessions, but quite enjoyable ones.

I guess it depends on what food you eat, yesterday I had rabbit which was shot a few hours before I ate it.

We still have the right to complain even though we have it this good, life is shit whatever position you are in, just find the things that give you any trace of happiness and pursue them, for me thats listening to metal, playing guitar and having a PC.

I know this is very materialistic and not very philisophical, maybe a bit simple, im just saying it how it is, find something you enjoy and spend as much time as possible doing it.

About the creating and not relaxing, Opeth have created some of the best music in the world and they seem pretty relaxed most of the time. Maybe they are neurotic wrecks inside but I doubt it.

i don't think the be all and end all of possessions is whether you get some enjoyment out of them. i think there are more important things like how much the environment is destroyed so you can play with your toys, the division of labor that is necessary so you can play with your toys, etc. but people don't tend to care about these things. they have been bought off by gagdets. you seem to revel in it. i think it's sad.

musicians may seem relaxed, but the relentless drive to create is, as i said, a product of a culturally induced fear of death and an inability to do nothing, i.e. relax like the lazy animal we inherently are. it's like a sickness.

 

[Seditious]

i don't think the be all and end all of possessions is whether you get some enjoyment out of them. i think there are more important things like how much the environment is destroyed so you can play with your toys, the division of labor that is necessary so you can play with your toys, etc. but people don't tend to care about these things. they have been bought off by gagdets. you seem to revel in it. i think it's sad.

musicians may seem relaxed, but the relentless drive to create is, as i said, a product of a culturally induced fear of death and an inability to do nothing, i.e. relax like the lazy animal we inherently are. it's like a sickness.

Hi.
I just wanted to say I like you.
Hope you stick around.

(I'm too tired to say anything important, Speed, but I'll try tomorrow)

 

[EerieVon]

It seems that, at least to me, that the majority of your issues comes from your career, and the frustrations of being just another cog in the machine of corporate america. You basically count down the time to the end of the day then the end of the week only to realize that during those periods you are counting down yet again but this time to the start of the work day/week. You stated you have tried other jobs found them more slightly more satisfying but they are unrealistic because of the lack of compensation. I think you need to find another career path, but the question becomes what do you think you could find happiness in doing? Are you creative? Like to tinker with electronics? Cook or create in general? Help people? What would make you happy and then it becomes a matter of what you are willing to do to obtain that happiness. Would you be willing to go back to school, etc. Eventually two things are going to occur, you pain is going to enslave you, to the point where everything else in your life is affected, including your love life or you will reach the point where you are sick of the pain and decide to overcome your will power obstacles and make that change that you need.

 

[Blind Guardian]

I have felt somewhat the same many times. Somethimes you cant help but feel like you´re just a ant in the antfarm. I never felt like that when i was in school,the difference probably was that back then,you always felt your life progressed further and further,sort of actually going somewhere. Now working,it sometimes feels like,"so this is it,my life will circulate around this job until i retire". It´s a very cynical view,but that´s how it is. We "exist so we further can exist" in a way.

 

[bthom]

You could try drinking tea instead of coffee first thing. It seems to relax me more, I do enjoy coffee but too much of it makes my stomach feel bad.

 

[kmik]

You might just be too serious. The recognition that your life is not as important as you think it is, and that you're not as smart as you think you are, passes things away. I'm not saying stop, ignore your problems, or anything like that, but too much analysis of your own personal life as some sort of a crisis is going too far. Literature and philosophy, I grant it these are two subjects you're fond of, are alienating and potentially dangerous. It's not that cliche - oh damn, you can't learn anything from those "smart" books - but constantly having the figure of some past genius in your head while looking at others can result in nothing else than depression. You can't change the world and sort things out yourself, so you should adapt and try to enjoy the little it does offer to you, and at the same time, I don't know, think how to improve it. Or: improve yourself. Enjoy the simplicity of life, in any event. Nothing has a "meaning". You can't sit down and expect heroic deeds and philosophical epiphanies every day. Take some time off not to think it over but for not to think. The answer will not come from a philosophy forum. I'm not mocking, yes. For times such as these you have friends. And this seems like a personal crisis. To think that some brilliant idea from a 19th century French homosexual's poetry's gonna solve it is just wrong. See, distinction between a "spiritual" and a "material" life is bad. You read Tolstoy and then put the book down and go to work and you're dissatisfied, you have not read Tolstoy the way it was meant to. Ideas are not there for you to to think about it. They're for you to apply and share with others. Now I don't know it's all up to you and I wish you luck

 

[waif]

Find something that you care about outside of work. Start a band or do art or whatever. I think your problem might be general purposelessness (Odd word, I think I spelled it wrong). You're just treading water, not drowning but not going anywhere, and eventually you'll get tired and drown. You need to find a lifeboat. This is a pretty crappy metaphor, but whatever. Also, I may be completely wrong. But you should probably find a hobby.

 

[Blind Guardian]

This sounds cheesy but i think humans in general need to think a bit more like the animals,here and now.

 

[speed]

I'm actually enjoying all the posts on here so far. I agree with you KMIK, and eerievon. Bthom and Insurrectionary, you've both really got me thinking. And sorry mattson to hear you share my plight.

 

[Justin S.]

I part company with the other members over the suggestions and ways of thinking they have offered thus far.

Thought and disposition (in the sense of basic attunement) are intimately related. As I understand it, being thoughtful does not mean "overcoming" or setting aside anxiety (terror in the face of what is closest) but just the opposite; thinking preserves and conserves this terror through careful, but painful, inspection (an undertaking simultaneously grounded in restraint and awe).

The replies to the upheaval speed describes are typically of two sorts: One, a softened reproach that stresses distraction and a grotesque form of coping (namely, into the very "things" and ways of being that make the belly ache). This approach will appeal to comparisons of other times and peoples, as if these sorts of crude (ontic) juxtapositions make any sense (i.e. there are starving people in China) when in fact, they fail to address the dimension of suffering altogether--our way of being, the spiritual. Our torments are the disruption of bonds and responsibility, the flight of the gods, the oppressive/suppressive machination of technological capitalism, the inability to dwell with others--to simply be. Of course, this enumeration barely touches upon the state of affairs.

This leads to the other type of response: impotent and reactionary "idealism" (ala ANUS, Corrupt, etc.). This type of response might list off some of the things I just mentioned and so appear to be in "agreement" at first glance. However, they lack the disposition to conserve this terror and flee into delusions of "revolutions", "activism", "metal culture", "pagan revivalism" and so on, while their actual lives and ways of being are little different, perhaps even sadder, than the average person. It is precisely this flight into the general, into narrative, that marks them as totally ineffective and hopeless.

How do we, or can we, stay within the sliver of middle ground between two responses that retreat from anxiety, pain, and paralysis ("realism" and "idealism"), that are actually linked and grounded in the same soil? As I have hinted before, by tending thinking, as thinking is certainly a deed. By this I do not mean a withdrawal into "books", the academic industry, or the wit and cleverness of "literary interests". Rather, it is through a basic thinking and disposition that we preserve our openness to anxiety, and hence the openness to something other than the hopeless dualism displayed in the responses to the opening post.

What form this takes will naturally depend on the thinker. For myself, I am attempting, although it might totally fail, to heed this call to thinking by working with the land, by re-entering into communion with the tumult of the seasons. I won't have a "profession." Rather, by a variety of activities my wife and I undertake for their own sake (brewing, harvesting, pottery, etc.) we hope to earn enough money to continue our way of being with the earth, our future children, the word, and hopefully some remnant of "community." One could easily misconstrue this as some sort of agrarian nostalgia (or even worse, some "Heidegger inspired" peasantry), but I urge one to reconsider this, and their own position, before passing such judgment.

 

[Nile577]

I have nothing further to add here. The above post resonates with me deeply.

 

[Insurrectionary]

I part company with the other members over the suggestions and ways of thinking they have offered thus far.

Thought and disposition (in the sense of basic attunement) are intimately related. As I understand it, being thoughtful does not mean "overcoming" or setting aside anxiety (terror in the face of what is closest) but just the opposite; thinking preserves and conserves this terror through careful, but painful, inspection (an undertaking simultaneously grounded in restraint and awe).

The replies to the upheaval speed describes are typically of two sorts: One, a softened reproach that stresses distraction and a grotesque form of coping (namely, into the very "things" and ways of being that make the belly ache). This approach will appeal to comparisons of other times and peoples, as if these sorts of crude (ontic) juxtapositions make any sense (i.e. there are starving people in China) when in fact, they fail to address the dimension of suffering altogether--our way of being, the spiritual. Our torments are the disruption of bonds and responsibility, the flight of the gods, the oppressive/suppressive machination of technological capitalism, the inability to dwell with others--to simply be. Of course, this enumeration barely touches upon the state of affairs.

This leads to the other type of response: impotent and reactionary "idealism" (ala ANUS, Corrupt, etc.). This type of response might list off some of the things I just mentioned and so appear to be in "agreement" at first glance. However, they lack the disposition to conserve this terror and flee into delusions of "revolutions", "activism", "metal culture", "pagan revivalism" and so on, while their actual lives and ways of being are little different, perhaps even sadder, than the average person. It is precisely this flight into the general, into narrative, that marks them as totally ineffective and hopeless.

How do we, or can we, stay within the sliver of middle ground between two responses that retreat from anxiety, pain, and paralysis ("realism" and "idealism"), that are actually linked and grounded in the same soil? As I have hinted before, by tending thinking, as thinking is certainly a deed. By this I do not mean a withdrawal into "books", the academic industry, or the wit and cleverness of "literary interests". Rather, it is through a basic thinking and disposition that we preserve our openness to anxiety, and hence the openness to something other than the hopeless dualism displayed in the responses to the opening post.

What form this takes will naturally depend on the thinker. For myself, I am attempting, although it might totally fail, to heed this call to thinking by working with the land, by re-entering into communion with the tumult of the seasons. I won't have a "profession." Rather, by a variety of activities my wife and I undertake for their own sake (brewing, harvesting, pottery, etc.) we hope to earn enough money to continue our way of being with the earth, our future children, the word, and hopefully some remnant of "community." One could easily misconstrue this as some sort of agrarian nostalgia (or even worse, some "Heidegger inspired" peasantry), but I urge one to reconsider this, and their own position, before passing such judgment.

i assume that at least some of that was in response to what i wrote, so i'll try to wade through it all and pick out what i disagree with. i agree that what have traditionally been labelled as revolutions and what traditionally stands for activism do not go to the heart of the matter. metal culture, paganism and various other such things i see no value in as a path towads something curative. you mention technological capitalism as a major part of the problem, but yet you seem to think any such activity geared towards eliminating that system, as i propose through insurrectionary resistance, is either "impotent" or "delusional." so the alternative is to reconnect with the land, which is what you seem to be saying. but the system is not going to go away because you try to reconnect with the land. just ask the scores of indigenous tribes around the globe who have been unable to maintain their autonmous lives in connection with the land. i believe those who choose not to resist are delusional in that they think somehow our problems can be changed without sabotage, selective murder, and an assortment of other insurrectionary tactics. i don't consider insurrection a retreat from pain. i experience pain, and all of us who are authentically facing things will.

 

[BlackMetalWhiteGuy]

Audition for a part in an office based sitcom. The public will relate to your character well.