http://slate.msn.com/id/2093154/entry/2097273/
There is a cafe in Baghdad at the end of the booksellers' street. It has Ottoman brick-vaulted ceilings and pictures and early 20th-century photographs on the walls. Tulip glasses of sugary lemon tea are served. The clientele are old men, the left-behind who unlearned to think inside the narrow cell of terror. They are very proud of themselves as intellectuals, bullshitters, second-rate artists, ersatz architects. The historians spout propagandistic inaccuracies just like everyone else on the street. Fake poets hover by the dozen. Amid this group of cozy fakers there was an English professor with white, Einstein-crazy hair and a cotton wool fluffy moustache. He'd collected more than a hundred journalists' business cards from years of offering a ready quote.
When I first met him, he gave me one about the arguments that were springing up inside the cafe after so many years of censure: "They are practicing democracy! One man abused Ahmad Chalabi solidly for a good half an hour. He was testing. He was gauging the quality of freedom. He was quite surprised when no one arrived to arrest him!" I wrote it down in my notebook.
The professor had a stack of books with him: a small pocket English dictionary; a volume titled Uncle John's Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader, which he said he was very fond of because it was full of all kinds of facts, "so many topics!"; and a mass-market paperback titled The Pretenders, first published in 1969. The blurb on the back promised, "The private lives of the beautiful people ... sexually uninhibited ... shocking ... unforgettable." On the front cover was a sticker that read: "Operation Paperback, Recycled for our Troops. Happy Reading!" The professor told me of his plans to establish a language institute to be called The Sidney Sheldon Institute for Teaching Contact-Level English for Adult Professional People Who Have Missed the Chance.
At the bottom of his pile, beguilingly, he had a small school exercise book. I remembered the thin blue exercise book that Henry Sugar finds in a Roald Dahl story. That exercise book is the diary of an Indian yogi who teaches Henry Sugar to concentrate on the ability to see through playing cards. He masters the technique, becomes an international gambler, and donates all his winnings to a series of orphanages.
"I have been collecting these," said the professor.
Inside, neatly handwritten in blue ballpoint pen, in English, perfectly translated and numbered, were several hundred lines of graffiti copied from Baghdad walls; a treasure trove. In the back were jokes and regime anecdotes, stories of Saddam confidant Izzat Ibrahim al-Douri and Saddam's daughters, true and half-true. The professor had diligently copied them, scribbling from walls all over central Baghdad; from Adhamiya, the traditional Sunni Baathist neighborhood, to Khadamiya, the Shiite stronghold, and beyond. The entries numbered 367. Some were repetitive, some had been stenciled up again and again, but in them, profane or dull-and-worthy, you can hear the jostling of thought and speech, argument and counterargument; opposition and opposition to the opposition.
I marveled and coveted, dazzled by the raw source. It was like peering inside Iraqis' heads. The professor wetted his lips, and, I confess, a deal was struck.
I provide you with an abridged list:
SADDAM WILL RETURN!
And written underneath:
THROUGH MY ASS!
ANARCHY IS GOVERNING THROUGH A PARLIAMENT AND AN EXECUTIVE AUTHORITY
A THOUSAND AMERICANS, OK. BUT NOT A SINGLE TIKRITI!
DEATH TO ALL DIRTY BAATHISTS, THE TYRANTS!
LONG LIVE IRAQ! DOWN WITH AMERICA!
LONG LIVE BUSH THE BELIEVER, THE HONEST, THE HONORED, AND DOWN WITH SADDAM, THE INFIDEL, THE ATHEIST, THE UNBELIEVER!
HIS COMING WAS A DISASTER, HIS STAYING WAS A DISASTER, AND HIS LEAVING IS A DISASTER
RAISE YOUR HEAD; YOU ARE AN IRAQI!
LONG LIVE AHMAD AL-CHALABI, THE IRAQI, THE SON OF IRAQ!
CHALABI'S SHOE IS A CROWN FOR THE MALE PROSTITUTE OF JORDAN AND ALL THE OTHER ARAB TRAITORS!
DOWN WITH AHMAD CHALABI, MAN OF CATS!
CHALABI IS A REAL IRAQI HERO
CHALABI IS THE ENGINEER OF DEMOCRACY
And underneath is written:
ZIONISTS SAID THAT!
AHMAD CHALABI IS A THIEF, SENTENCED IN ABSENTIA. IS HE THE ONE WHO WILL REPRESENT US IRAQIS?
THE CITIZEN THAT KNOWS A CRIMINAL BAATHIST AND DOES NOT INFORM ON HIM IS A CRIMINAL THE SAME AS HIM
MASS GRAVES AND BAATHIST PRINCIPLES ARE TWO FACES OF THE SAME STINKING COIN
WE MUST NOT FORGET THE MASS GRAVES AND THEIR CHAMPION, SADDAM HUSSEIN THE LIBERTINE
WE ARE BELIEVING MUSLIMS WITHOUT SECTARIANISM; WE ARE IRAQI PATRIOTS WITHOUT FANATICISM
NO SECURITY, NO PEACE ... UNLESS SADDAM RETURNS!
OUR WEALTH IS OUR OWN, OUR OIL WILL ENRICH US IF WE CAN GET IT BACK INTO OUR HANDS
SADDAM HAS VANISHED INTO THE CESSPIT OF HISTORY
SHAME AND DISGRACE TO THE AGENTS AND TRAITORS WHO SOLD THEIR IRAQ CHEAPLY WITH THEIR OWN HONOR TO THE AMERICANS AND THE BRITISH AND THE ZIONISTS
DOWN BUSH, DOWN BREMER
ALLAH AKHBAR AND VICTORY TO THE GREAT IRAQ
THE GOVERNING COUNCIL IS A COUNCIL OF AGENTS, TRAITORS, SPIES, AND MERCENARIES
DONKEYS PISS HERE!
And underneath is written:
AND PIMPS AND BAATHISTS
ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE POST-LIBERATION IRAQ:
105 NEWSPAPERS (ALL LIES)
110 FAILED PARTIES
300 THIEVES' ORGANIZATIONS
500 UNIONS WITH NO WORK
600 HEADQUARTERS FOR PLUNDERING AND STEALING
700 MOVEMENTS WITH NO BLESSING OR GOOD
25,000 SPIES FOR THE AMERICANS
4,000 EMPLOYEES IN OFFICIAL OFFICES, ALL THIEVES
5,000 DOUBLE AGENTS FOR THE AMERICANS AND FOR SADDAM AT THE SAME TIME
2 MILLION HOMELESS FAMILIES WITH NO DIGNITY
25 MILLION IRAQIS THAT WANT TO LEAVE IRAQ
Anonymous pavement newspaper tacked up on a wall near Medical City
THE NEW FINANCE MINISTER IS A THIEF LIKE A BAATHIST. WHERE DID 25 PERCENT OF OUR SALARIES GO, YOU THIEF?
WHERE ARE THE OIL REVENUES GOING? AND WHERE ARE THE REVENUES FROM THE HOLY RELIGIOUS SHRINES, YOU GOVERNING COUNCIL!
SADDAM ATE BEANS AND EMITTED STINKY AIR
LONG LIVE SADDAM, IN SPITE OF HIS FOOL CRAZIES!
And underneath is written:
SADDAM IS A PIMP; ASK YOUR SISTER!
DISGRACE FOR THE AGENTS OF THE AMERICANS AND ETERNAL GLORY FOR THE MARTYR OF IRAQ AND ISLAM
THE PEOPLE IN THE AL-FAHDL QUARTER ARE ALL IN THE SERVICE OF THE BAATHIST LEADER SADDAM HUSSEIN
PATIENCE, BAGHDAD, PATIENCE, SADDAM IS COMING BACK SOON
And underneath is written:
TO FINISH OFF WHAT REMAINS OF THE IRAQI PEOPLE OR TO FUCK YOUR MOTHER?
PATIENCE, BAGHDAD, PATIENCE, SADDAM IS COMING BACK SOON
And underneath is written:
HAND CUFFED, BY THE WILL OF GOD
LET YOUR HEADS APPEAR, YOU BAATHISTS. WHERE ARE YOU HIDING? IN THE SEWAGE PIPES?
IRAQ IS THE MUSTACHE OF EVERY HONORABLE MANThe Army of Mohammed
WE SWEAR WE WILL MAKE MASS GRAVES FROM IRAQ'S LAND FOR ALL THE TRAITORS AND ALL THE AGENTS OF THE AMERICANS AND THE ZIONISTSArmy of Mohammed
And underneath is written:
WE ALREADY KNOW MASS GRAVES ARE YOUR SPECIALTY; GOD IS OUR WITNESS ON THAT
GAS MAKOO [none or unavailable] OIL MAKOO, WORK MAKOO, MONEY MAKOO, WATER MAKOO, ELECTRICITY MAKOO: WE HAVE EXCHANGED DIRT FOR A SMELL. LONG LIVE AMERICA!
INCREASE IN RATION SHARES:
100 KG. SADNESS, PAIN, AND MELANCHOLY FOR EACH CITIZEN
50 KG. WORRY, GRIEF, AND SORROW FOR EACH HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD
10 PROBLEMS PER FAMILY
4 VOLTS ELECTRICITY PER HOUSE
1 MASS CEMETERY PER CITY DISTRICT
5 RANDOMLY SHOT BULLETS PER STREET, INCREASED TO 50 BULLETS ON THURSDAYS
1 GAS CANISTER PER FAMILY PER MONTH
2 KEROSENE BOTTLES PER FAMILY PER MONTH
10 CANS OF FOOD PER FAMILY PER MONTH: VARIOUS OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN AND FULL OF DIFFERENT POISONS
NB: TRANSPORTATION COSTS ARE BORNE BY MR. BREMER
Anonymous pavement newspaper tacked up on a wall near Medical City
EVERYONE WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT OF IRAQ, EVEN THE PORTERS AT THE SHARJAH BAZAAR
GIVE THANKS TO GOD THAT ODAI AND QUSAI WERE KILLED
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. BUSH, AND A THOUSAND THANK YOUS FOR MR. GOOD IRAQI BREMER
ONE SHOE OF MR. BUSH HONORS ALL THE ARABS
A PILE OF STONES IS BETTER THAN SUCH NEIGHBORS
BE FRIGHTENED OF GOD, PROSTITUTE OF JORDAN! AND YOU THE TURBANED MEN OF IRAN, AND YOU GRANDSONS OF THE OTTOMAN TURKS
TURKEY AND IRAN ARE A SPLIT TURD
SYRIA, JORDAN, AND EGYPT, A TRIO OF TERRORIST ARABS ARE LIKE SCATTERED SHIT
THANKS MR. BREMER FOR CUTTING OFF THESE NEIGHBORING COUNTRIES FROM IRAQ'S MONEYONE MORE YEAR, AND THEY WILL DIE OF HUNGER. JUST A LITTLE PATIENCE, MR. BREMER, AND THESE NOSES-IN-THE-SKIES WILL COME TO NOTHING
MR. BREMER, WE DON'T WANT, IN IRAQ, NEITHER A YEMENI NOR A PALESTINIAN,NOR A SYRIAN NOR AN EGYPTIAN. PUSH THEM ALL OUT, MR. BREMER! THEY ARE NO BETTER THAN LICE AND FLEAS AND TICKS ON THE SKIN OF IRAQIS
TALK, TALK, TALK AND CONVERSATION AND DIALOGUE, FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT
SECURITY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT, ESSENTIAL DEMAND OF THE IRAQI CITIZEN
WE WANT THE SECURITY SYSTEMS TO WORK DAY AND NIGHT TO END THE FEAR, WORRY, AND PANIC
BE PATIENT, IRAQIS, DON'T STEAL. STEALING IS NOT ALLOWED BY GOD
DON'T SELL YOUR HOME TO JEWS, YOU IRAQI!
LONG LIVE THE PEOPLE OF FALLUJAH AND RAMADI; THE HEROES OF THE IRAQ AND THE ARAB NATION
SADDAM HATED TEACHERS AND SCIENCE AND BOOKS AND SCHOOL BECAUSE HE WAS ILLITERATE AND IGNORANT AND DID NOT HAVE KNOWLEDGE OR A CERTIFICATE
IF IRAQ REALLY WANTS TO REBUILD ITSELF, IT SHOULD START WITH THE TEACHERS
WOE FOR THE WINE SELLERS AND THE VENDORS OF NUDISM AND LIBERTINISM
BUSH THE FATHER LIBERATED KUWAIT. BUSH THE SON LIBERATED IRAQ, THEN SYRIA, THEN IRAN. BUSH THE GRANDSON WILL LIBERATE THE WHOLE WORLD!
WE DON'T WANT AN IRAQI ARMY, EITHER VOLUNTARY OR DRAFT, BECAUSE ITS OFFICERS WILL ALWAYS BE ROTTEN, INFIDEL CRIMINALSWritten on the walls of the Military Academy in Rustamiyah
DO YOU WANT TO BE A KING? JUST EATING AND SHITTING AND GETTING PAID? JUST BE AN OFFICER IN THE IRAQI ARMY THENWritten on the walls of the Military Academy in Rustamiyah
ONE AMERICAN SOLDIER IS MORE HONORED THAN ALL THE OFFICERS OF THE IRAQI ARMYWritten on the walls of the Military Academy in Rustamiyah
A THOUSAND CURSES ON YOUR MOTHERS AND FATHERS EVERY DAY YOU CUT THE ELECTRICITY, YOU SADDAM, ATHEIST WITHOUT A WATER PITCHER [not washing himself after defecating]
A CURSE OF GOD ON THE AMERICANS AND SADDAM TOGETHER!
A CURSE OF GOD ON THE AMERICANS AND SADDAM AND BRITISH AND RUSSIANS AND JAPANESE AND FRENCH AND ITALIANS AND LONG LIFE FOR IRAQ AND ISLAM ONLY
GLORY FOR ISLAM'S MARTYRS, SUNNI AND SHIITEMuqtada al-Sadr [Sadr is a Shiite leader whose popular ayatollah father was executed by Saddam]
Underneath is written:
AND GO TO HELL ALL OTHER SECTS? SHOULD OTHER SECTS BECOME THIEVES AND KILLERS LIKE YOUR FOLLOWERS IN ORDER TO DESERVE TO BE CALLED MARTYRS?
SISTANI AND SADR [both Shiite leaders]: IF YOU WERE UNABLE TO PREVENT YOUR FOLLOWERS FROM PLUNDERING, ASSAULTING. AND STEALING, THEN HOW ARE YOU GOING TO RULE IRAQ?
YES FOR SISTANI, WHO SPEAKS A LITTLE BUT SAYS A LOT.
YOU DO NOT BUILD NATIONS BY BEATING CHESTS, SADR!
HALF OF IRAQ WAS DESTROYED WHEN THE JEWS LEFT IN THE '40S, AND BY YOUR ANNOUNCEMENTS, MR. SADR, OTHER DENOMINATIONS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE IRAQ. IS THE DESTRUCTION OF IRAQ YOUR PURPOSE, MR. SADR?
MUQTADA: EITHER SPEAK USEFULLY OR BE ENTIRELY SILENT!
MR. BUSH: DUNGHILLS AND CESSPITS AND MAFIA CONTROL THE PAVEMENTS. HALF OF THE IRAQIS STEAL FROM THE OTHER HALF TO LIVE ON THE DUNG HEAPS OF THE AMERICAN ARMY. IS THIS THE WELFARE AND WELL-BEING YOU PROMISED THE IRAQIS, MR. BUSH?
SADDAM THE PENIS SWALLOWER!
SADDAM SWALLOWED ALL THE PRICKS OF THE WORLD, AND HE STILL SAID HE WAS VICTORIOUS
KILL AND CRUSH THE STINKY HEAD OF EVERY BAATHIST CRIMINAL COWARD TRAITOR AND BEGIN WITH THE HEAD OF SADDAM
IF SADDAM SPENT THE OIL REVENUES ON THE WELFARE OF HIS PEOPLE IRAQ WOULD BE:
THE RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY
EVERY IRAQI WOULD HAVE TWO HOUSES: ONE FOR WINTER, ONE FOR SUMMER
EVERY IRAQI WOULD HAVE THREE CARS: ONE FOR WORK, ONE FOR HIS FAMILY, AND ONE FOR PICNICS AND TRAVELING
EVERY IRAQI WOULD TRAVEL THROUGHOUT THE WORLD ANNUALLY
EVERY IRAQI WOULD BE EDUCATED TO THE HIGHEST LEVEL IN SCIENCE, KNOWLEDGE, LEARNING, AND EDUCATION
IRAQ'S POPULATION WOULD BE 50 MILLION
Anonymous pavement newspaper tacked up on a wall near Medical City
DOWN WITH AMERICA, THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE
LONG LIVE MR. BUSH, THE BELIEVER
SADDAM NO, CHALABI NO, TALABANI [a leader of one of the Kurdish parties] NO. BUSH YES, YES, YES
SADDAM IS A WORD THAT MEANS A DISEASE THAT HITS DONKEYS
EVERYONE, SADDAM CRAPPED IN HIS TROUSERS
EVERYONE, SADDAM PIMPED HIS WIFE SAJIDAH
DEAR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SADDAM ATE FROM THE KAADAH! [a child's potty]
SADDAM RAN AWAY AND LEFT THE BAATHISTS ROAMING THE STREETS
DEMANDS FROM IRAQIS TO MR. BUSH AND MR. BREMER
WHEN THE JUDGES TRY SADDAM THEY SHOULD DO THE FOLLOWING:
CUT OFF HIS EAR LIKE HE HAS DONE WITH OUR SONS WHO DESERTED FROM HIS UNFAIR WARS
CUT OFF HIS HAND BECAUSE HE HAS STOLEN THE PEOPLE'S WEALTH TO BUILD HIS PALACES AND PLEASURES AND DISTRIBUTE THEM AMONG HIS RELATIVES AND GUARDS
EXECUTE HIM BECAUSE HE HAS KILLED OUR PEOPLE CONTINUOUSLY WITHOUT STOPPING FOR MORE THAN THREE DECADES AND FILLED OUR HOMELAND WITH MASS GRAVES
VIOLATE HIS FAMILY HONOR BECAUSE HE AND HIS SONS DISHONORED THOUSANDS OF IRAQI FAMILIES
Anonymous pavement newspaper tacked up on a wall near Medical City
FUCK ME, BUT DON'T HAND ME OVER TO THE IRAQIS! THEY WILL TEAR ME TO PIECES, MINCE ME INTO A THOUSAND SPECKS, AND ROAST ME OVER FIRESaddam Hussein
IRAQIS RISE AND RESIST THE OCCUPATION!
TELL SADDAM WE WON'T FORGET
ALL IRAQ IS CRYING: SADDAM SOLD MY COUNTRY
USA + UK PLEASE STAY
YOU IRAQIS ARE PLUNDERING AND STEALING AND SABOTAGING; THINGS THAT ONLY BRING JOY TO SADDAM
I SWEAR BY THE GOD OF THE KAABA [the sacred black stone in Mecca] I AM RETURNING TO YOU IN BAGHDAD, AND I WILL CRUSH EVERY AMERICAN AND EVERYONE WHO COOPERATED WITH THE OCCUPATION!Saddam Hussein
BAATHISTS ARE THE MICROBES OF THE WORLD, AND BUSH IS THE MICROBE KILLER
THE OCCUPATION AUTHORITIES HAVE NO RIGHT TO APPOINT A COMMITTEE TO WRITE THE CONSTITUTION
SADDAM THE DISGRACE! YOUR END IS TO BE LED LIKE A DOG BY A BLACK FEMALE SOLDIER!
RECENTLY RELEASED, THE MOST FAMOUS BOOK OF ITS TIME: HOW TO ELUDE THE IRAQIS AND THE AMERICANS FOR EIGHT MONTHS, BY SADDAM HUSSEIN
LONG LIVE GENERAL SANCHEZ: HE MADE SADDAM KICK HIMSELF LIKE A BILLY GOAT
IS IT REASONABLE THAT THE GREAT AMERICAN CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT THE ELECTRICITY? OR ARE THEY DOING IT INTENTIONALLY FOR SOME REASON GOD ONLY KNOWS?
LETS WORK TO MAKE A GOVERNMENT THAT REPRESENTS THE WILL OF THE IRAQI MASSESThe Al Daawa Islamic Party
IRAQ FIRST, THE PEOPLE FIRST!Free Officers and Civilians Organization
IRAQ IS OUR NATIONAL IDENTITY AND ISLAM IS OUR CHOICE!The Iraqi Peace Party
THE ISLAMIC LIBERATION PARTY CALLS FOR MUSLIMS TO WORK TOWARD FORMING AGAIN THE ISLAMIC CALIPHATE AND FOR THE ESTABLISHMENT OF SHARIA LAW
IMAM SHIRAZI SAYS: NO PRISONS, NO EXECUTIONS, NO CONFISCATING OF POSSESSIONS AND PROPERTIES AGAIN!Islamic Concord Movement
THE MASSES ARE ASKING DR. AID ALLAWI TO CONSOLIDATE THE LAW IN A CIVILIZED SOCIETY!The Wassit Concord Movement
MONARCHY IS THE SUPPORT OF THE RELIGIOUS AND THE DEMOCRATIC PARTIES!Constitutional Monarchy Party
MR. MOHAMMED BAKR AL-SADR [Muqtada al-Sadr's father, assassinated in 1999] SAID THAT THE MASSES ARE STRONGER THAN TYRANTS!Al- Daawa Islamic Party
THE AHD AL UMMA PARTY IS YOUR PARTY: OUR AIMS ARE LOVE, PEACE, COOPERATION, AND JUSTICE
THE FREE NATIONAL REPUBLICAN PARTY IS ABOUT THE RIGHT TO FREEDOM AND DEMOCRACY
A FEDERAL DEMOCRATIC REGIME IS THE SOLUTION FOR ALL THE PROBLEMS IN IRAQThe Democratic Party of Kurdistan
WE DEMAND THE CANCELING OF THE PUNISHMENT OF EXECUTION, AS WELL AS THE RIGHT TO STRIKE!The Iraqi Communist Workers Party
LONG LIVE THE TURKMEN, THE ARABS, AND THE KURDS!The Free Party
WE WILL RETURN SOON!The Baath Party
And underneath is written:
AND WE WILL WAIT FOR YOU WITH SLIPPERS, YOU DREGS!The Al Daawa Islamic Party
ELECTIONS WILL BENEFIT ALL THE PEOPLE AND THE COUNTRY
KIRKUK IS FOR THE KURDS
This has been crossed out and written instead:
KIRKUK FOR THE TURKMEN
And this has been crossed out and written instead:
KIRKUK IS FOR THE IRAQIS, YOU TRAITORS!
THOSE OF US WITH RELIGIOUS CREDENTIALS ARE DEMANDING ELECTIONS TO ELECT THE MEMBERS OF THE TRANSITIONAL GOVERNING COUNCIL
BREMER! IF YOU DON'T KNOW, IT'S A DISASTER, AND IF YOU KNOW, THE DISASTER IS GREATER
There is a cafe in Baghdad at the end of the booksellers' street. It has Ottoman brick-vaulted ceilings and pictures and early 20th-century photographs on the walls. Tulip glasses of sugary lemon tea are served. The clientele are old men, the left-behind who unlearned to think inside the narrow cell of terror. They are very proud of themselves as intellectuals, bullshitters, second-rate artists, ersatz architects. The historians spout propagandistic inaccuracies just like everyone else on the street. Fake poets hover by the dozen. Amid this group of cozy fakers there was an English professor with white, Einstein-crazy hair and a cotton wool fluffy moustache. He'd collected more than a hundred journalists' business cards from years of offering a ready quote.
When I first met him, he gave me one about the arguments that were springing up inside the cafe after so many years of censure: "They are practicing democracy! One man abused Ahmad Chalabi solidly for a good half an hour. He was testing. He was gauging the quality of freedom. He was quite surprised when no one arrived to arrest him!" I wrote it down in my notebook.
The professor had a stack of books with him: a small pocket English dictionary; a volume titled Uncle John's Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader, which he said he was very fond of because it was full of all kinds of facts, "so many topics!"; and a mass-market paperback titled The Pretenders, first published in 1969. The blurb on the back promised, "The private lives of the beautiful people ... sexually uninhibited ... shocking ... unforgettable." On the front cover was a sticker that read: "Operation Paperback, Recycled for our Troops. Happy Reading!" The professor told me of his plans to establish a language institute to be called The Sidney Sheldon Institute for Teaching Contact-Level English for Adult Professional People Who Have Missed the Chance.
At the bottom of his pile, beguilingly, he had a small school exercise book. I remembered the thin blue exercise book that Henry Sugar finds in a Roald Dahl story. That exercise book is the diary of an Indian yogi who teaches Henry Sugar to concentrate on the ability to see through playing cards. He masters the technique, becomes an international gambler, and donates all his winnings to a series of orphanages.
"I have been collecting these," said the professor.
Inside, neatly handwritten in blue ballpoint pen, in English, perfectly translated and numbered, were several hundred lines of graffiti copied from Baghdad walls; a treasure trove. In the back were jokes and regime anecdotes, stories of Saddam confidant Izzat Ibrahim al-Douri and Saddam's daughters, true and half-true. The professor had diligently copied them, scribbling from walls all over central Baghdad; from Adhamiya, the traditional Sunni Baathist neighborhood, to Khadamiya, the Shiite stronghold, and beyond. The entries numbered 367. Some were repetitive, some had been stenciled up again and again, but in them, profane or dull-and-worthy, you can hear the jostling of thought and speech, argument and counterargument; opposition and opposition to the opposition.
I marveled and coveted, dazzled by the raw source. It was like peering inside Iraqis' heads. The professor wetted his lips, and, I confess, a deal was struck.
I provide you with an abridged list:
SADDAM WILL RETURN!
And written underneath:
THROUGH MY ASS!
ANARCHY IS GOVERNING THROUGH A PARLIAMENT AND AN EXECUTIVE AUTHORITY
A THOUSAND AMERICANS, OK. BUT NOT A SINGLE TIKRITI!
DEATH TO ALL DIRTY BAATHISTS, THE TYRANTS!
LONG LIVE IRAQ! DOWN WITH AMERICA!
LONG LIVE BUSH THE BELIEVER, THE HONEST, THE HONORED, AND DOWN WITH SADDAM, THE INFIDEL, THE ATHEIST, THE UNBELIEVER!
HIS COMING WAS A DISASTER, HIS STAYING WAS A DISASTER, AND HIS LEAVING IS A DISASTER
RAISE YOUR HEAD; YOU ARE AN IRAQI!
LONG LIVE AHMAD AL-CHALABI, THE IRAQI, THE SON OF IRAQ!
CHALABI'S SHOE IS A CROWN FOR THE MALE PROSTITUTE OF JORDAN AND ALL THE OTHER ARAB TRAITORS!
DOWN WITH AHMAD CHALABI, MAN OF CATS!
CHALABI IS A REAL IRAQI HERO
CHALABI IS THE ENGINEER OF DEMOCRACY
And underneath is written:
ZIONISTS SAID THAT!
AHMAD CHALABI IS A THIEF, SENTENCED IN ABSENTIA. IS HE THE ONE WHO WILL REPRESENT US IRAQIS?
THE CITIZEN THAT KNOWS A CRIMINAL BAATHIST AND DOES NOT INFORM ON HIM IS A CRIMINAL THE SAME AS HIM
MASS GRAVES AND BAATHIST PRINCIPLES ARE TWO FACES OF THE SAME STINKING COIN
WE MUST NOT FORGET THE MASS GRAVES AND THEIR CHAMPION, SADDAM HUSSEIN THE LIBERTINE
WE ARE BELIEVING MUSLIMS WITHOUT SECTARIANISM; WE ARE IRAQI PATRIOTS WITHOUT FANATICISM
NO SECURITY, NO PEACE ... UNLESS SADDAM RETURNS!
OUR WEALTH IS OUR OWN, OUR OIL WILL ENRICH US IF WE CAN GET IT BACK INTO OUR HANDS
SADDAM HAS VANISHED INTO THE CESSPIT OF HISTORY
SHAME AND DISGRACE TO THE AGENTS AND TRAITORS WHO SOLD THEIR IRAQ CHEAPLY WITH THEIR OWN HONOR TO THE AMERICANS AND THE BRITISH AND THE ZIONISTS
DOWN BUSH, DOWN BREMER
ALLAH AKHBAR AND VICTORY TO THE GREAT IRAQ
THE GOVERNING COUNCIL IS A COUNCIL OF AGENTS, TRAITORS, SPIES, AND MERCENARIES
DONKEYS PISS HERE!
And underneath is written:
AND PIMPS AND BAATHISTS
ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE POST-LIBERATION IRAQ:
105 NEWSPAPERS (ALL LIES)
110 FAILED PARTIES
300 THIEVES' ORGANIZATIONS
500 UNIONS WITH NO WORK
600 HEADQUARTERS FOR PLUNDERING AND STEALING
700 MOVEMENTS WITH NO BLESSING OR GOOD
25,000 SPIES FOR THE AMERICANS
4,000 EMPLOYEES IN OFFICIAL OFFICES, ALL THIEVES
5,000 DOUBLE AGENTS FOR THE AMERICANS AND FOR SADDAM AT THE SAME TIME
2 MILLION HOMELESS FAMILIES WITH NO DIGNITY
25 MILLION IRAQIS THAT WANT TO LEAVE IRAQ
Anonymous pavement newspaper tacked up on a wall near Medical City
THE NEW FINANCE MINISTER IS A THIEF LIKE A BAATHIST. WHERE DID 25 PERCENT OF OUR SALARIES GO, YOU THIEF?
WHERE ARE THE OIL REVENUES GOING? AND WHERE ARE THE REVENUES FROM THE HOLY RELIGIOUS SHRINES, YOU GOVERNING COUNCIL!
SADDAM ATE BEANS AND EMITTED STINKY AIR
LONG LIVE SADDAM, IN SPITE OF HIS FOOL CRAZIES!
And underneath is written:
SADDAM IS A PIMP; ASK YOUR SISTER!
DISGRACE FOR THE AGENTS OF THE AMERICANS AND ETERNAL GLORY FOR THE MARTYR OF IRAQ AND ISLAM
THE PEOPLE IN THE AL-FAHDL QUARTER ARE ALL IN THE SERVICE OF THE BAATHIST LEADER SADDAM HUSSEIN
PATIENCE, BAGHDAD, PATIENCE, SADDAM IS COMING BACK SOON
And underneath is written:
TO FINISH OFF WHAT REMAINS OF THE IRAQI PEOPLE OR TO FUCK YOUR MOTHER?
PATIENCE, BAGHDAD, PATIENCE, SADDAM IS COMING BACK SOON
And underneath is written:
HAND CUFFED, BY THE WILL OF GOD
LET YOUR HEADS APPEAR, YOU BAATHISTS. WHERE ARE YOU HIDING? IN THE SEWAGE PIPES?
IRAQ IS THE MUSTACHE OF EVERY HONORABLE MANThe Army of Mohammed
WE SWEAR WE WILL MAKE MASS GRAVES FROM IRAQ'S LAND FOR ALL THE TRAITORS AND ALL THE AGENTS OF THE AMERICANS AND THE ZIONISTSArmy of Mohammed
And underneath is written:
WE ALREADY KNOW MASS GRAVES ARE YOUR SPECIALTY; GOD IS OUR WITNESS ON THAT
GAS MAKOO [none or unavailable] OIL MAKOO, WORK MAKOO, MONEY MAKOO, WATER MAKOO, ELECTRICITY MAKOO: WE HAVE EXCHANGED DIRT FOR A SMELL. LONG LIVE AMERICA!
INCREASE IN RATION SHARES:
100 KG. SADNESS, PAIN, AND MELANCHOLY FOR EACH CITIZEN
50 KG. WORRY, GRIEF, AND SORROW FOR EACH HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD
10 PROBLEMS PER FAMILY
4 VOLTS ELECTRICITY PER HOUSE
1 MASS CEMETERY PER CITY DISTRICT
5 RANDOMLY SHOT BULLETS PER STREET, INCREASED TO 50 BULLETS ON THURSDAYS
1 GAS CANISTER PER FAMILY PER MONTH
2 KEROSENE BOTTLES PER FAMILY PER MONTH
10 CANS OF FOOD PER FAMILY PER MONTH: VARIOUS OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN AND FULL OF DIFFERENT POISONS
NB: TRANSPORTATION COSTS ARE BORNE BY MR. BREMER
Anonymous pavement newspaper tacked up on a wall near Medical City
EVERYONE WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT OF IRAQ, EVEN THE PORTERS AT THE SHARJAH BAZAAR
GIVE THANKS TO GOD THAT ODAI AND QUSAI WERE KILLED
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. BUSH, AND A THOUSAND THANK YOUS FOR MR. GOOD IRAQI BREMER
ONE SHOE OF MR. BUSH HONORS ALL THE ARABS
A PILE OF STONES IS BETTER THAN SUCH NEIGHBORS
BE FRIGHTENED OF GOD, PROSTITUTE OF JORDAN! AND YOU THE TURBANED MEN OF IRAN, AND YOU GRANDSONS OF THE OTTOMAN TURKS
TURKEY AND IRAN ARE A SPLIT TURD
SYRIA, JORDAN, AND EGYPT, A TRIO OF TERRORIST ARABS ARE LIKE SCATTERED SHIT
THANKS MR. BREMER FOR CUTTING OFF THESE NEIGHBORING COUNTRIES FROM IRAQ'S MONEYONE MORE YEAR, AND THEY WILL DIE OF HUNGER. JUST A LITTLE PATIENCE, MR. BREMER, AND THESE NOSES-IN-THE-SKIES WILL COME TO NOTHING
MR. BREMER, WE DON'T WANT, IN IRAQ, NEITHER A YEMENI NOR A PALESTINIAN,NOR A SYRIAN NOR AN EGYPTIAN. PUSH THEM ALL OUT, MR. BREMER! THEY ARE NO BETTER THAN LICE AND FLEAS AND TICKS ON THE SKIN OF IRAQIS
TALK, TALK, TALK AND CONVERSATION AND DIALOGUE, FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT
SECURITY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT, ESSENTIAL DEMAND OF THE IRAQI CITIZEN
WE WANT THE SECURITY SYSTEMS TO WORK DAY AND NIGHT TO END THE FEAR, WORRY, AND PANIC
BE PATIENT, IRAQIS, DON'T STEAL. STEALING IS NOT ALLOWED BY GOD
DON'T SELL YOUR HOME TO JEWS, YOU IRAQI!
LONG LIVE THE PEOPLE OF FALLUJAH AND RAMADI; THE HEROES OF THE IRAQ AND THE ARAB NATION
SADDAM HATED TEACHERS AND SCIENCE AND BOOKS AND SCHOOL BECAUSE HE WAS ILLITERATE AND IGNORANT AND DID NOT HAVE KNOWLEDGE OR A CERTIFICATE
IF IRAQ REALLY WANTS TO REBUILD ITSELF, IT SHOULD START WITH THE TEACHERS
WOE FOR THE WINE SELLERS AND THE VENDORS OF NUDISM AND LIBERTINISM
BUSH THE FATHER LIBERATED KUWAIT. BUSH THE SON LIBERATED IRAQ, THEN SYRIA, THEN IRAN. BUSH THE GRANDSON WILL LIBERATE THE WHOLE WORLD!
WE DON'T WANT AN IRAQI ARMY, EITHER VOLUNTARY OR DRAFT, BECAUSE ITS OFFICERS WILL ALWAYS BE ROTTEN, INFIDEL CRIMINALSWritten on the walls of the Military Academy in Rustamiyah
DO YOU WANT TO BE A KING? JUST EATING AND SHITTING AND GETTING PAID? JUST BE AN OFFICER IN THE IRAQI ARMY THENWritten on the walls of the Military Academy in Rustamiyah
ONE AMERICAN SOLDIER IS MORE HONORED THAN ALL THE OFFICERS OF THE IRAQI ARMYWritten on the walls of the Military Academy in Rustamiyah
A THOUSAND CURSES ON YOUR MOTHERS AND FATHERS EVERY DAY YOU CUT THE ELECTRICITY, YOU SADDAM, ATHEIST WITHOUT A WATER PITCHER [not washing himself after defecating]
A CURSE OF GOD ON THE AMERICANS AND SADDAM TOGETHER!
A CURSE OF GOD ON THE AMERICANS AND SADDAM AND BRITISH AND RUSSIANS AND JAPANESE AND FRENCH AND ITALIANS AND LONG LIFE FOR IRAQ AND ISLAM ONLY
GLORY FOR ISLAM'S MARTYRS, SUNNI AND SHIITEMuqtada al-Sadr [Sadr is a Shiite leader whose popular ayatollah father was executed by Saddam]
Underneath is written:
AND GO TO HELL ALL OTHER SECTS? SHOULD OTHER SECTS BECOME THIEVES AND KILLERS LIKE YOUR FOLLOWERS IN ORDER TO DESERVE TO BE CALLED MARTYRS?
SISTANI AND SADR [both Shiite leaders]: IF YOU WERE UNABLE TO PREVENT YOUR FOLLOWERS FROM PLUNDERING, ASSAULTING. AND STEALING, THEN HOW ARE YOU GOING TO RULE IRAQ?
YES FOR SISTANI, WHO SPEAKS A LITTLE BUT SAYS A LOT.
YOU DO NOT BUILD NATIONS BY BEATING CHESTS, SADR!
HALF OF IRAQ WAS DESTROYED WHEN THE JEWS LEFT IN THE '40S, AND BY YOUR ANNOUNCEMENTS, MR. SADR, OTHER DENOMINATIONS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE IRAQ. IS THE DESTRUCTION OF IRAQ YOUR PURPOSE, MR. SADR?
MUQTADA: EITHER SPEAK USEFULLY OR BE ENTIRELY SILENT!
MR. BUSH: DUNGHILLS AND CESSPITS AND MAFIA CONTROL THE PAVEMENTS. HALF OF THE IRAQIS STEAL FROM THE OTHER HALF TO LIVE ON THE DUNG HEAPS OF THE AMERICAN ARMY. IS THIS THE WELFARE AND WELL-BEING YOU PROMISED THE IRAQIS, MR. BUSH?
SADDAM THE PENIS SWALLOWER!
SADDAM SWALLOWED ALL THE PRICKS OF THE WORLD, AND HE STILL SAID HE WAS VICTORIOUS
KILL AND CRUSH THE STINKY HEAD OF EVERY BAATHIST CRIMINAL COWARD TRAITOR AND BEGIN WITH THE HEAD OF SADDAM
IF SADDAM SPENT THE OIL REVENUES ON THE WELFARE OF HIS PEOPLE IRAQ WOULD BE:
THE RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY
EVERY IRAQI WOULD HAVE TWO HOUSES: ONE FOR WINTER, ONE FOR SUMMER
EVERY IRAQI WOULD HAVE THREE CARS: ONE FOR WORK, ONE FOR HIS FAMILY, AND ONE FOR PICNICS AND TRAVELING
EVERY IRAQI WOULD TRAVEL THROUGHOUT THE WORLD ANNUALLY
EVERY IRAQI WOULD BE EDUCATED TO THE HIGHEST LEVEL IN SCIENCE, KNOWLEDGE, LEARNING, AND EDUCATION
IRAQ'S POPULATION WOULD BE 50 MILLION
Anonymous pavement newspaper tacked up on a wall near Medical City
DOWN WITH AMERICA, THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE
LONG LIVE MR. BUSH, THE BELIEVER
SADDAM NO, CHALABI NO, TALABANI [a leader of one of the Kurdish parties] NO. BUSH YES, YES, YES
SADDAM IS A WORD THAT MEANS A DISEASE THAT HITS DONKEYS
EVERYONE, SADDAM CRAPPED IN HIS TROUSERS
EVERYONE, SADDAM PIMPED HIS WIFE SAJIDAH
DEAR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SADDAM ATE FROM THE KAADAH! [a child's potty]
SADDAM RAN AWAY AND LEFT THE BAATHISTS ROAMING THE STREETS
DEMANDS FROM IRAQIS TO MR. BUSH AND MR. BREMER
WHEN THE JUDGES TRY SADDAM THEY SHOULD DO THE FOLLOWING:
CUT OFF HIS EAR LIKE HE HAS DONE WITH OUR SONS WHO DESERTED FROM HIS UNFAIR WARS
CUT OFF HIS HAND BECAUSE HE HAS STOLEN THE PEOPLE'S WEALTH TO BUILD HIS PALACES AND PLEASURES AND DISTRIBUTE THEM AMONG HIS RELATIVES AND GUARDS
EXECUTE HIM BECAUSE HE HAS KILLED OUR PEOPLE CONTINUOUSLY WITHOUT STOPPING FOR MORE THAN THREE DECADES AND FILLED OUR HOMELAND WITH MASS GRAVES
VIOLATE HIS FAMILY HONOR BECAUSE HE AND HIS SONS DISHONORED THOUSANDS OF IRAQI FAMILIES
Anonymous pavement newspaper tacked up on a wall near Medical City
FUCK ME, BUT DON'T HAND ME OVER TO THE IRAQIS! THEY WILL TEAR ME TO PIECES, MINCE ME INTO A THOUSAND SPECKS, AND ROAST ME OVER FIRESaddam Hussein
IRAQIS RISE AND RESIST THE OCCUPATION!
TELL SADDAM WE WON'T FORGET
ALL IRAQ IS CRYING: SADDAM SOLD MY COUNTRY
USA + UK PLEASE STAY
YOU IRAQIS ARE PLUNDERING AND STEALING AND SABOTAGING; THINGS THAT ONLY BRING JOY TO SADDAM
I SWEAR BY THE GOD OF THE KAABA [the sacred black stone in Mecca] I AM RETURNING TO YOU IN BAGHDAD, AND I WILL CRUSH EVERY AMERICAN AND EVERYONE WHO COOPERATED WITH THE OCCUPATION!Saddam Hussein
BAATHISTS ARE THE MICROBES OF THE WORLD, AND BUSH IS THE MICROBE KILLER
THE OCCUPATION AUTHORITIES HAVE NO RIGHT TO APPOINT A COMMITTEE TO WRITE THE CONSTITUTION
SADDAM THE DISGRACE! YOUR END IS TO BE LED LIKE A DOG BY A BLACK FEMALE SOLDIER!
RECENTLY RELEASED, THE MOST FAMOUS BOOK OF ITS TIME: HOW TO ELUDE THE IRAQIS AND THE AMERICANS FOR EIGHT MONTHS, BY SADDAM HUSSEIN
LONG LIVE GENERAL SANCHEZ: HE MADE SADDAM KICK HIMSELF LIKE A BILLY GOAT
IS IT REASONABLE THAT THE GREAT AMERICAN CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT THE ELECTRICITY? OR ARE THEY DOING IT INTENTIONALLY FOR SOME REASON GOD ONLY KNOWS?
LETS WORK TO MAKE A GOVERNMENT THAT REPRESENTS THE WILL OF THE IRAQI MASSESThe Al Daawa Islamic Party
IRAQ FIRST, THE PEOPLE FIRST!Free Officers and Civilians Organization
IRAQ IS OUR NATIONAL IDENTITY AND ISLAM IS OUR CHOICE!The Iraqi Peace Party
THE ISLAMIC LIBERATION PARTY CALLS FOR MUSLIMS TO WORK TOWARD FORMING AGAIN THE ISLAMIC CALIPHATE AND FOR THE ESTABLISHMENT OF SHARIA LAW
IMAM SHIRAZI SAYS: NO PRISONS, NO EXECUTIONS, NO CONFISCATING OF POSSESSIONS AND PROPERTIES AGAIN!Islamic Concord Movement
THE MASSES ARE ASKING DR. AID ALLAWI TO CONSOLIDATE THE LAW IN A CIVILIZED SOCIETY!The Wassit Concord Movement
MONARCHY IS THE SUPPORT OF THE RELIGIOUS AND THE DEMOCRATIC PARTIES!Constitutional Monarchy Party
MR. MOHAMMED BAKR AL-SADR [Muqtada al-Sadr's father, assassinated in 1999] SAID THAT THE MASSES ARE STRONGER THAN TYRANTS!Al- Daawa Islamic Party
THE AHD AL UMMA PARTY IS YOUR PARTY: OUR AIMS ARE LOVE, PEACE, COOPERATION, AND JUSTICE
THE FREE NATIONAL REPUBLICAN PARTY IS ABOUT THE RIGHT TO FREEDOM AND DEMOCRACY
A FEDERAL DEMOCRATIC REGIME IS THE SOLUTION FOR ALL THE PROBLEMS IN IRAQThe Democratic Party of Kurdistan
WE DEMAND THE CANCELING OF THE PUNISHMENT OF EXECUTION, AS WELL AS THE RIGHT TO STRIKE!The Iraqi Communist Workers Party
LONG LIVE THE TURKMEN, THE ARABS, AND THE KURDS!The Free Party
WE WILL RETURN SOON!The Baath Party
And underneath is written:
AND WE WILL WAIT FOR YOU WITH SLIPPERS, YOU DREGS!The Al Daawa Islamic Party
ELECTIONS WILL BENEFIT ALL THE PEOPLE AND THE COUNTRY
KIRKUK IS FOR THE KURDS
This has been crossed out and written instead:
KIRKUK FOR THE TURKMEN
And this has been crossed out and written instead:
KIRKUK IS FOR THE IRAQIS, YOU TRAITORS!
THOSE OF US WITH RELIGIOUS CREDENTIALS ARE DEMANDING ELECTIONS TO ELECT THE MEMBERS OF THE TRANSITIONAL GOVERNING COUNCIL
BREMER! IF YOU DON'T KNOW, IT'S A DISASTER, AND IF YOU KNOW, THE DISASTER IS GREATER
