It's baaaccckk... the joke corner!

[Wrathchild]

Jesus is attending the public stoning of a woman caught committing adultery. Just as everyone's getting ready to throw their rocks, he yells out "Stop! Let the one among you who is without sin cast the first stone."
With that, an old lady elbows her way to the front of the crowd, picks up a heavy boulder and drops it right on the poor woman's head.
Jesus rolls his eyes and says "sometimes, Mother, you really piss me off."


A young lass is feeling a bit lonely, and she decides to go out on the town to see if she can find some male company. She ends up in a bar on the top floor of a very luxurious hotel and orders a drink. A short while later, a handsome fellow joins her. They chat for about an hour, and seem to be getting on very well. She throws caution to the wind, and asks if he'd like to come back to her place.
"Sure," says the man. "Just let me finish my beer first."
Our heroine is quite frustrated about this. "What's more important," she asks. "Beer or a night with me?"
"This is different. It's magic beer. I'll show you."
He then takes a sip of the draught, jumps out the window, flies around the building twice and lands back on his barstool.
"That's amazing," says the woman. "Can I try?"
She proceeds to gulp down some beer, jump out the window and fall to a very messy death.
The barman looks down at the crumpled body on the pavement below and says "you're a real bastard when you're drunk, Superman."


W

 

[spawn]

 

[Winmar]

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent.

Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed.

Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar.But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.

Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.

She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I" she says.

"What suburb in Melbourne."
"Glen Iris" he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
"Cameo street" he says."

"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian

 

[Spruce Goose]

WRITTEN BY A MAN AND YES, IT'S QUITE FUNNY:-

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women
differ
so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.
And, I
never have figured out why men think with their head and women with
their
heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene
gets
thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like
it,

I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words
that I
and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not
be in

tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her

first
clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night,
so I
went to bed.

The very next day then we went shopping at a big unnamed department
store...I walked around while she tried on three very expensive
outfits.
She
couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of
them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to
which I

say OK. And then we go to the Jewellery Dept. where she gets a set of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited.

She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I
don't
think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a
tennis
bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for
a
loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have
seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash
register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't
feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said,
"Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You
must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring
thaw of 2005.

 

[Winmar]

Hahahahaha I like that!

 

[Spruce Goose]

Creation of a pussy
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.


First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
who sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

 

[Spruce Goose]

Request By The Penis
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- even has to work more at weekends and holidays
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request Denied ... for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- needs continuous attention to perform at work;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
- sometimes leaves work, too early

Although it is noted that:

Often arrives much earlier than expected
Shows an inordinate keenness to work
Willing to work at extraordinary times without much persuasion
Happy to try out new jobs in different positions
Prefers working without any special clothing
Always happy to try alternative locations

 

[Spruce Goose]

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.

After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.

After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again

 

[Spruce Goose]

This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy.

He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car."

To which the kid replies, "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

 

[Winmar]

 

[Spruce Goose]

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into a meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.





What do you call a mushroom that runs into a bar and buys a round of drinks for everyone?
I guess that would be a Fun Guy.



Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?... in Iraq



The Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac, "Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."



CNN/Reuters: News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al- Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. US President George W Bush immediately stated that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq did indeed possess weapons of maths instruction.



Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when,on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.



Beethoven
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

 

[Spruce Goose]

HAHA.. This one rules:

One day in the jungle...
One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.

The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.

The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.

First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."

"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.

"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.

"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.

"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"

 

[Spruce Goose]

My wife's gone ...
My wife's gone to the West Indies
-Jamaica?
-No, she went of her own accord.

That's the original one, now prepare for a deluge of variations....

-My wife's gone to St Petersburg.
-Is she Russian?
-No, she's taking her time.

-My wife's gone to Northern Italy
-Genoa?
-I should think so, we've been married for 20 years.

-My wife's had an accident on a volcano
-Krakatoa? -No.
She broke her leg.


-My wife's gone to the Welsh border.
-Wye?
-Search me.

-My wife's gone to Malawi
-Lilongwe?
-Yes, about 5000 miles

-My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea
-Seoul?
-No, R&B


-My wife had an accident in Slovenia
-Bled?
-like a stuck pig.

-My wife's parents are from Croatia
-Split?
-No, they're still happily married.

-My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia
-Singapore?
-Terrible. And the rest of the band sucked too.


-My wife smoked a joint near Manchester
-In Hale?

 

[Spruce Goose]

... This bloke goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money up his bum. He pulls them out and can't resist toting up the value of the coins.
"Well", says the doctor, "I've found $1999.99 up your bum".
"Hmmm", replies the patient, "That would explain why I've not been feeling too grand....."

 

[Spruce Goose]

... A chicken walks into a library and straight up to the librarian. The chicken says "book, book" so the librarian humors the chicken and gives him a book. Off goes the chicken out the door.
Next day the same thing happens. And the third day too. Getting a little curious, the librarian follows the chicken on the fourth day, all across town to a swampy lake. At the lake he sees the chicken drops the book in front of a frog, who promptly says

"Redit, redit"

 

[phlogiston]

The first wheels were invented by Seller-of-Used-Rocks. The wheels he made were square, and all of his customers complained about the bumpy ride. One day his best customer, Basher-of-Small-Furry-Rodents, came into the store, and Seller-of-Used-Rocks showed him his latest invention.

"Look here, Basher." he said "Here is the new and improved wheel. It is called the roll-easy, and because you are my best customer, you may have the very first one."

"It's triangular." said Basher-of-Small-Furry-Rodents.

"Yes, it is." said Seller-of-Used-Rocks proudly.

"How can that be an improvement on the old square wheel?"

"Don't you see? There's one less bump!"

 

[Wrathchild]

Q: Why didn't Superman save the World Trade Centre?

A: He couldn't fit his wheelchair into a phone box.


It was the last day of school and the teacher decided to give her students an extra treat. "Tell you what, class," she said. "I'll ask you some trivia questions and every student who gets one right can leave early. Now, who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you...'?"
Little Johnny put his hand up, but a girl in the front row beat him to it and said "John F. Kennedy, Miss."
"Very good, Belinda," said the teacher. "You may go home. Now, who said 'I have a dream'?"
Little Johnny put his hand up again, and this time he was pipped at the post by a girl in the second row. "Martin Luther King, Miss."
"Very good, Tracie," said the teacher. "You can go home now."
Little Johnny is none too pleased about this, so he mutters to himself. "I wish these bitches would shut the fuck up!"
"WHO SAID THAT?!" the teacher roared.
"Bill Clinton," said Little Johnny. "Can I go home now?"

W

 

[Blitzkrieg]

Some of these are gold!

 

[Blitzkrieg]

My wife's gone ...
My wife's gone to the West Indies
-Jamaica?
-No, she went of her own accord.

That's the original one, now prepare for a deluge of variations....

There has to be one about Bangkhok (sp?) in there somewhere.

 

[Ralphe]

What do you get if you cross a Rooster with an Owl?

A cock that stays up all night!