jokes

[FalseTodd]

A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye sight test.
The examiner shows him a card with the letters

C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."

 

[The Dope]

Haha!

 

[0sm0se]

Seamus O'Hallaran is walking home from the store with a case of beer in each hand and a loaf of bread under each arm when he sees his friend, Connor McAllister.

Connor: "Having a party Seamus?"
Seamus: "Aye, but how did you know?"
Connor: "Well, you do have two loaves of bread."

 

[FalseTodd]

nice!




President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch at a restaurant. Cheney orders the heart-healthy salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says, "Honey, could I have a quickie?" The waitress is horrified. "Mr. President," she says, "I thought your administration was bringing a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see how false that was." And she marches off in a huff. Cheney leanes over and says, "George, it's pronounced 'quiche.'"

 

[xfer]

posted a very long time ago, invented by my uncle:







What do you call a buncha Polish guys with turbans?










Pack-o'-Stanleys!

 

[gekko]

There is a Polish guy driving down a road. He passes a big field in which, a guy is sitting in a boat that says Polish Rowing Team, apparently rowing. The guy in the car pulls of to the side of the road and walks to the edge of the meadow. He then yells to the guy in the boat, "Hey you, asshole, You are the kind of guy who gives us Poles a bad name, and if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass."

 

[The Dope]

A West Virginian is pulled over for speeding. The cop walks up to the window and asks, "Do you have any I.D.?"

" 'bout what?" asks the driver.

 

[I am Kloot]

There was an english man, a scottish man, and an american man all stood on the roof of a pub. All of them had a little bit too much to drink so the American man turned to the scottish man and said "You know what, if you jump off of this building you won't hit the ground, you'll just fly back up to safty." "Bullshit" the scottish man replied. "No its true, watch." Said the American man, and with that he threw himself over the edge. The English man and scottish man both looked in horror as the American mans body hurtled towards the pavement, but sudenly just before he reached the end some sort of force caught hold of him and lifted him up placing him neatly on the roof where he was standing before.
"Cor blimey" Cried the Scottish man, "Can I do that?" "Sure" replied the American man. So with that the Scottish man threw himself off the roof and landed smack bang right in the middle of the pavement, dead as a door knob.


The English man, realising what had just happened turned to the American man, with a rather disgruntled look on his face and yelled "Superman you bastard, you tricked Brian!"

 

[lizard]

"cor blimey" - excellent.

 

[FalseTodd]

A guy in a sharkskin suit walks into a piano bar, and asks the pianist "Heya, can you play 'Strangers in the Night' in 5/4?"

The pianist asks "Huh? That tune's in 4, why in the world would you want to play it in 5?"

Guy: "Look, my boss Don Vitucci is comin' in in about an hour, he wants to sing that song and he only sings it in 5, capiche?"

Pianist: "Well, I guess I can work something out...fine."

About an hour later in struts Don Vitucci, and he asks the pianist to accompany him on "Strangers in the Night". The pianist plays the opening, cleverly converted into 5/4, and the Don begins to sing:

"Strangers in the fuckin' night...."