my roommate just called me to say she was outside our house because

[xfer]

a big rat was spotted curled up alongside our kitchen trash can.

me: "i've never seen a rat before!"

her: "well come home right now and you can get a look at one!"

me: "swat it with a broom!"

her: "i ain't going back in there!"

me: "get on a chair or something...that's what women do, right? hop over to it and, like swat at it with the broom..."

her: "someone better come and get this shit out of here."

i hang up.

my co-worker: "THE BUTTON-DOWN MIND OF ALEX DRIVER"

 

[FuSoYa]

you've never seen a rat? are you serious?

 

[xfer]

well, when i thought about it after i hung up, what i was thinking was that i had never seen a rat close up. the closest i'd gotten was last summer, when we were hanging out on a fire escape near Northeastern University, watching rats swarm over the dumpsters four stories below us. then at some point the trash bag right next to us began to rustle, and the frat boys living upstairs ran down and beat the fuck out of it with a baseball bat. about an hour later this rat limped out and started walking in circles, and the frat boys ran back. i went inside but i could hear the sound of bat meets rat very clearly, and we didn't go back out at all that night.

incidentally that was an awesome night and i ended up hooking up with this hot chick who was impressed by my rat sensitivity!

 

[FuSoYa]

you've never picked a rat up by its tail and fed it to a snake or something? They have HUGE testicles, which get even BIGGER when the snake constricts their bodies.

 

[xfer]

oh...white rats, fuck. and you continue to expose my lies.

 

[VangelicSurgeon]

those aren't really RATS, they're like big mice! We had a nice norweigan rat colony under our compost heap growing up.

 

[xfer]

report: i got home and lisa was hiding up in her room. i looked in the kitchen and the rat wasn't there. i asked lisa what she had done with it, but she said she hadn't touched it. so i went back downstairs and poked round and found it rolling around under our ping-pong table. caught it in a plastic bag and kicked it back in when it tried to crawl out. i think it was dying, maybe ate some poison or something (although we don't have poison around, i thought) and crawled up here to perish. we argued about taking the the tripled-up bag for a walk and leaving it in on a sidewalk somewhere, but trash day had been today, and in a week that would be pretty gross. and i would be pretty pissed if someone left a stinking bag of trash and rat in front of my house.

plus the rat was still alive but barely moving. the famed Tard Roommate hadn't done anything but watch this whole time, and now he went back into the house. lisa left too and i had to spend a half hour drowning the rat in a plastic keg barrel full of rainwater and cleaning up so i could leave it in our trash can. guys it sucked so much.

 

[xfer]

i got into work this morning and we had caught a mouse in our box trap! it was adorable and smaller than a big marshmallow--super-tiny, even for a mouse. he wasn't wounded or anything so i took him for a walk and let him go. he didn't want to leave the trap so i had to shake him out and then push him away from the library (toward the rare-books library, incidentally. ha ha!)

 

[FrostGiant]

Dude, that's a squirrel.

 

[lizard]

ha ha!

 

[xfer]

that squirrel pic just emulates the huge, fat, shoebox-sized rat.

 

[FrostGiant]

Oh, I wasn't sure you big time city slickers knew the difference between a squirrel and a rat. I bet you never even ran over an Opossum with your car, did you?

 

[xfer]

dude, i almost made Eagle Scout. i've killed more opossums than you've killed skeeters, and i've gotten merit badges for it, too.

 

[FrostGiant]

haha, eagle scout. I was too cool for that shit. How about muskrats?

 

[Stultus]

I..... kill cockroaches on occasion.

 

[Yasser Arafat]

You have insulted my people for the last time, Stultus.

 

[azal]

I thought cockroaches were mexicans?

 

[xfer]

what are huge, fat, dying rats?

 

[FrostGiant]

Aren't cockroaches the same thing as crabs?

 

[azal]

what are huge, fat, dying rats?

anything obese is undeniably American.