Need an honest opinion from the smartest people I know

[Xorv]

I'm having a poetry reading at my H.S. for a final exam (will be reading it to the entire school not just my class) and I need a second opnion about something.

Heres the piece

The Mind is a canvas
tasteless & pale
the maverick of the bleach ale

Our thoughts are the spectrum
giving form to the grey
adding textures to this dim display

Our dreams are the true creation
vivid as the colors between the spaces
the paintbrush, our own imagination

Until the day death creeps in and embraces
and we take out last breath and depart,
with the faceless
__________________________________________________
I dunno if I should take out embraces and just leave it at
"until the day death creeps in"
cause maybe thats 1 too many words that rhymes with spaces.

 

[Zephyrus]

Pay me 20 bucks and I'll translate it into Latin.

 

[supseudonymous]

 

[Xorv]

umm...so that means keep "embaraces"?

and yes plz translate to latin and I'll make you a pimp salad.

 

[zabu of nΩd]

I'd say leave the "and embraces" in, but change the "and" at the beginning of the next line to "when" just so you don't have so many "and"s floating around there. So the last lines would read:

Until the day death creeps in and embraces
when we take out last breath and depart,
with the faceless

That's my 2 bits.

 

[Ender Rises]

I agree with Vihris Gravy.

 

[Zephyrus]

It's "Virus Gravy". Get it right, dammit.

 

[Xorv]

I'd say leave the "and embraces" in, but change the "and" at the beginning of the next line to "when" just so you don't have so many "and"s floating around there. So the last lines would read:

Until the day death creeps in and embraces
when we take out last breath and depart,
with the faceless

That's my 2 bits.

good idea.

 

[The Ozzman]

I'm having a poetry reading at my H.S. for a final exam (will be reading it to the entire school not just my class) and I need a second opnion about something.

Heres the piece

The Mind is a canvas
tasteless & pale
the maverick of the bleach ale

Our thoughts are the spectrum
giving form to the grey
adding textures to this dim display

Our dreams are the true creation
vivid as the colors between the spaces
the paintbrush and our own imagination

Until the day death creeps in
and we take our last breath and depart,
with the faceless that embrace us

That's how I'd change it

 

[waif]

it's cool.

 

[Xorv]

thx u guys give an old man a second lease on life

 

[Einherjar86]

You can never have too many rhymes, in my opinion; but I'm a fan of rhyming in poetry. Too much modern poetry abandons rhyme and meter for free verse. I hate the modern sentiment that poetry should have no bounds, no meter or rhythm to follow. Poetry can fit within a specific rhyme scheme or meter and still be poignant and intelligent without being pedantic and monotonous. You just have to be a good poet.

I think the poem's cool Xorv. I'm guessing "out last breath" should be "our last breath," correct? Also, are you trying to mimic a certain verse form? Just curious; but seriously, the last stanza is really cool. Are you going into literature or creative writing in college?

EDIT: I agree that the "and" could be changed to "when." However, I also think that you could get away with not putting a word there at all and the meaning would still be intact. Did you intend for there to be any punctuation in this piece, or no?

 

[Xorv]

no.

and um, verse form? what?

I dunno maybe I will get into creative writing in college, after I get into a few asses

yes, typo.

 

[Einherjar86]

Okay then, I can already see what your first semester is going to be like. Have fun sport.

 

[Ender Rises]

It's "Virus Gravy". Get it right, dammit.

 

[waif]

I dunno maybe I will get into creative writing in college, after I get into a few asses

Regardless of whether you meant to include the "cl" or not, I approve of this.