Time for some laughs?

[Orchid]

Mozart Beyond the Grave

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

 

[Slynt]

Good one!

 

[Russell]

Almost as bad as "did u hear about the magic tractor?" one. (did u hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field!)

 

[_Transparent_]

i dont get it., but as for the tractor joke ...i dont get that either

 

[Villain]

I got the "decomposing"-one , but I can't get the tractor-one.

-Villain

 

[Kushantaiidan]

the answer is 7

 

[_Transparent_]

Originally posted by Kushantaiidan
the answer is 7

now i dont know what joke is worse

 

[Alucard]

I'm also confused about the tractor joke.

 

[Russell]

Magic tractor....... Turned off the road into a field, or literally turned into a field. Now, thats bad Heres another bad one - A guy wakes up on a desert Island, looks around him and evrything is purple, and says, oh dear I;ve been marooned

 

[Satori]

Ok, ok, why is a turd of shit pointed at one end? So your ass doesn't slam shut.

Satori

 

[Satori]

Two guys meet up for drinks at a bar that sits atop an office building highrise. After they are a little drunk, Clark says to his buddy Nick "You know Nick, the wind around here is so strong that if you jump out of the window you'll drop 30 floors and then the wind will whip you around the building and push you right back in the window you jumped out of."

"That's bullshit." says Nick.

"No seriously," say Clark, "let me demonstrate."

Clark jumps out the window and just as he claimed, he drops 30 floors, is taken around the building, and comes back in through the window.

"Works every time" says Clark.

"I still ain't jumping out no fuckin window." says Nick.

"Come on, it's even more fun than it looks. Listen, I show you again."

Clark repeats the stunt and returns unshaken and unscathed.

After a few more drinks and more convincing, Nick says "Aww fuck it", and jumps out the window. SpLaT!! he goes on the sidewalk as Clark looks on.

Then the bartender says to Clark: "You know what superman? You're a real fucking asshole when you're drunk."



Satori

 

[Satori]

A couple of redneck hunters, Clifford and Bubba, are out in the woods when suddenly Clifford falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Bubba whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then bang!, a shot is heard.....

Bubba says, "OK, now what?"



Satori

 

[Satori]

What did the traffic sign say?

Nothing you idiot, signs can't talk.




Satori

 

[crumbling mirth]

the one about the two blokes in the bar was funny

 

[HoserHellspawn]

My favourite is still:

Q: "How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

A: "Two. ...but how do they get in there?

And there is the once (and once only) humerous simplicity of

"Two guys walk into a bar. Ouch."

...I've heard the Superman one a few times before...

Hey, Orchid? Ever hear the Monty Python song "Decomposing Composers"?

 

[Orchid]

Hehhehehe Hoser, no, I don't think I've heard that one..

Another one relating to pubs:

- Two musicians walked past a bar.

Muahah.



And one I heard from Hearse (which, also, I told to Lee when he was visiting Finland):

How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
- Someone's blowing into it.

Bwhahahahhaha.

 

[_Transparent_]

heres a good simpsons one:
Homer: why is it that white people have names like Lenny and black people have names like Karl

 

[TyrantOfFlames]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are out on the trail for another day of work. The Lone Ranger asks Tonto to see what's going on in the area. Tonto puts his head to the ground, and when he gets back, says "Buffalo come." The Longer Ranger asks" Well how do you know that, Tonto?"......Tonto: "Face sticky."

 

[TyrantOfFlames]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?



Because it was dead.

 

[TyrantOfFlames]

Anyone here heard the "pink" joke? If I wasn't to lazy to type it, I would tell it.