What do you think about this text...

[Ravaging Dragon]

Hi, I tried to write a death-metal text. But I don't think I'm good and it's my very first text. I just want to know what you guys think about and what to change.

here it is:

VERSE 1:
seems to be a peaceful place?
just take a look at all the graves
souls of beings once they died
rising up their graves tonight

rest in piece? just a lie
damned to wander
they don’t know who they are
for endless times

VERSE 2:
undead figures roam the night
rotten flesh without a mind
seeking to consume your life
transforming you in one of them

we will all die one day
but fear is feeding
for the crows of the night
heralds of eternity

PRE-CHORUS:
bound in tombs
salvation
envious of all
that breathes

CHORUS:
death, life is limited
death, horror of eternity

 

[ADS]

It would very much depend on the music and how the song flows, but I think it sounds pretty cool. Could be an interesting song. Not hearing the music, there are only a couple basic changes I would suggest...

rising up their graves tonight

I would say "rising from their graves tonight". Seems like it would flow better.

rest in piece? just a lie

Was "piece" intentional? Or did you mean "peace"?

for endless times

I would say "time" instead of "times". Sounds cooler I think.

transforming you in one of them

Those two lines of verse 2 are tough ones. I know what you're trying to say, but that line doesn't fit well... really messes up the structure up to this point. Maybe you intended it that way, but another variation of that might be "transforming you into their like".

And then the only other thing is, in the pre-chorus, I wouldn't pluralize "breathe". You don't really need to, and it'll probably flow better singular for a singer.

We gonna get to hear this song when it's done?

 

[Ravaging Dragon]

thanks for your tips so far.

1. Rest in Piece was a mistake. I meant "peace", of course. But that remembers me of the old game "Blood", where you - the player - sometimes said "rest in pieces" after hacking someone into parts.

2. breathe isn't pluralized. You have to see these two lines as one. "envious of all that breathes"


But you are right, you really can't tell much about a song, when there isn't music. The only problem is that I don't have a band and don't play an instrument...

 

[RideForVengance]

not a bad start, keep the sylables matching, and if possible, rhyme, but dont ever put a word in just because it rhymes... its better to make sense and sound corny than just rhyme.

Leave this song alone, write others, whatever. Come back to this in a few days and you'll instantly see changes to make. I guaruantee you, if you just leave it alone till it gets of your mind, by the time you come back, youll have ideas for improvements.

 

[Protected Witness]

I find it alot harder to write words before the music. Once the music is written, you (I) get a better idea of how you (I) want your (my) patterns to go, and then write lyrics accordingly with the patterns.