Need tips on being 'nicer'

[jangoux]

Hey guys,

My wife always complains I am rude with people and some other people have complained that I talk too 'bossy' and that sometimes it feels I talk with a 'superiority'. I always had problem with speech (I stutter), so talking has always been a struggle. The mental part of talking is also difficult to me - I have a really hard time maintaining conversations and some days even starting one. Sometimes I just avoid talking altogether to avoid saying crap or hurt somebody's feelings.

I've always been like that but lately, working on my studio, sometimes I feel people feel hurt with my 'tough' way of talking, even though I try to police myself to avoid that. Any tips or methods to being 'nicer' when talking ?

Ivan

 

[Jind]

Aside from self policing it's hard to change ones mannerisms. While I've always been very conversant (as if my super long responses don't already convey that about me ), but I used to have a habit that a former manager brought to my attention - my tendency to dominating conversations, she said I did more talking than listening when we were in meetings - either staff or with clients.

I sort of knew this about myself but never took mind of it till someone I really respected (in a business sense) told me it would do me good to learn to alter that behavior and that if I did it would probably help me professionally... it did. I worked for her for 10 years in ever increasing roles of responsibility.

Long story short, nothing changes about us without actively addressing it. It's not so much about "tips" as it is about recognizing a behavior possibly impacting your interactions with others and choosing to alter it. For me it was to let people finish what they were saying before responding - to take a pause to really address what they were talking about instead of just offering my view, opinion, or way of thinking.

Sounds corny, but after a bit it became second nature. Sometimes I still catch myself falling into old patterns, but not that often.

Ultimately we are what we are and some things won;t change - you may still not generally be a conversant person at heart and people, including your wife, need to respect that, but it still does not mean that the conversation you so offer can't be a bit of a different tact.

No real tips from me - just something to think about.

 

[He's Dead, Jim]

Well, first see a therapist rather than culling advice from a bunch of burly men who spend their days locked up in a studio arranging angry-sounding music.

But other than that, yeah, it's about recognizing the behavior in the moment so you can alter it.

 

[MarcusGHedwig]

But other than that, yeah, it's about recognizing the behavior in the moment so you can alter it.

Yup, that's about the essence of it - however, I dunno Ivan, if anything you always came off as too nice to me, though maybe it's because your stories usually involve your wife

 

[Morgan C]

What situations is this in? It can be frustrating when people offer suggestions you know are going to be terrible. Either you waste your time implementing their suggestion, only for them to go "Oh actually it looks/sounds like shit" (I told you so..), or you come off as arrogant when you dismiss theirs.

I think the best way to deal with these situations is to

OR, if you've got time, mock up your idea and theirs. Most of the time they'll go with yours, because you're a professional. But sometimes you'll be surprised. It's important not to dismiss someone just because you're more experienced than them.

 

[JeffTD]

Well, first see a therapist rather than culling advice from a bunch of burly men who spend their days locked up in a studio arranging angry-sounding music.

But other than that, yeah, it's about recognizing the behavior in the moment so you can alter it.

This is probably the best piece of advice ever posted on this forum.


Also try smoking more weed.

 

[Star Ark]

Hey guys,

My wife always complains I am rude with people and some other people have complained that I talk too 'bossy' and that sometimes it feels I talk with a 'superiority'. I always had problem with speech (I stutter), so talking has always been a struggle. The mental part of talking is also difficult to me - I have a really hard time maintaining conversations and some days even starting one. Sometimes I just avoid talking altogether to avoid saying crap or hurt somebody's feelings.

I've always been like that but lately, working on my studio, sometimes I feel people feel hurt with my 'tough' way of talking, even though I try to police myself to avoid that. Any tips or methods to being 'nicer' when talking ?

Ivan

You just desribed me, only i dont stutter but i have a delay with giving verbal responses. Your unintentional rudeness is also just like me and i am always considered arrogant or say things bluntly which people consider hurtful, and i almost never mean it. Only a few years ago my parents told me i was thought to be add or austic when i was younger but my symptoms didnt interfer enough with my life so it was never a major issue. How are you with small talk? Or if you are talking with someone who is obviously talking shit, do you call out a liar to his face or do you smile and nod?

Ive been taking fish oil capsules and a non prescription drug called noopept and it helps me focus on the social situations, improves my speech and gives me the motivation to try and fit in with the group.

 

[Terminus]

I was also gonna mention the weed thing...

 

[Line666]

Sometimes arrogance is just being right without the confidence or charisma to pull it off; people mistake that for real arrogance which often carries a certain conceit. Honestly audio engineering caters for this socially autistic mentality because more often than not you're often the last line of defence between artists and their bullshit; I'd expect most people here to be blunt and callous because thats a personality that often works for the job (not saying you have to be like that but for the job it doesn't hurt).

I think personal change is difficult to manifest because you're only ever the sum total of your experiences which will have led you down a certain path thats hard to counteract, not saying you can't do it but it is one of the most difficult things to do because people not only grow to expect you to be a certain way but will also object or try and put you back in your place if you push too hard in the opposite direction because you fit a certain niche personality type in their life; what I'm saying is that a lot of people will treat any new perceived niceness as suspicious and push against it if you were to go in that direction - not least your wife. I think the best thing you can do is not inherently change yourself but change the way you see other people and their perspectives - you have to find a way they can relate to you and then work that angle so that you naturally become more charismatic even if you are essentially saying the same things.

 

[colonel kurtz]

fuck being nicer to people

as long as you can get the shit done they're paying to you, they'll get over it

 

[CubanDude]

^ nope, most likely that's not the right way to go, except you're really super unique. and I mean SUPER unique.

 

[UncleBob]

The "fuck being nice to people" usually only works when your at the top or close to it (or at the very bottom), but unfortunately getting to that top requires putting on a farce and a lot of pretending and tactfulness, so it usually pays (literally) to be nice and accommodating and dress the part (just being neat and tidy basically) etc, even with baddaz-brutalz-metalhedz I guess..................people are people.........life is a contact sport, might as well play it to not get screwed.

 

[LeSedna]

-

 

[updog]

Sometimes arrogance is just being right without the confidence or charisma to pull it off; people mistake that for real arrogance which often carries a certain conceit. Honestly audio engineering caters for this socially autistic mentality because more often than not you're often the last line of defence between artists and their bullshit; I'd expect most people here to be blunt and callous because thats a personality that often works for the job (not saying you have to be like that but for the job it doesn't hurt).

I think personal change is difficult to manifest because you're only ever the sum total of your experiences which will have led you down a certain path thats hard to counteract, not saying you can't do it but it is one of the most difficult things to do because people not only grow to expect you to be a certain way but will also object or try and put you back in your place if you push too hard in the opposite direction because you fit a certain niche personality type in their life; what I'm saying is that a lot of people will treat any new perceived niceness as suspicious and push against it if you were to go in that direction - not least your wife. I think the best thing you can do is not inherently change yourself but change the way you see other people and their perspectives - you have to find a way they can relate to you and then work that angle so that you naturally become more charismatic even if you are essentially saying the same things.

great post, very true.

 

[colonel kurtz]

The "fuck being nice to people" usually only works when your at the top or close to it (or at the very bottom), but unfortunately getting to that top requires putting on a farce and a lot of pretending and tactfulness, so it usually pays (literally) to be nice and accommodating and dress the part (just being neat and tidy basically) etc, even with baddaz-brutalz-metalhedz I guess..................people are people.........life is a contact sport, might as well play it to not get screwed.

i'm not saying you shouldn't be nice to people...but in the end, results are what matter most. i work for a company where most of the people above me act like dicks on a professional level, but are super cool "off the clock"...and it's because they have high expectation levels, and don't accept any bullshit or excuses.

in my experience, for people who come off a little bull-ish, the best thing you can do is to tell people you're going to work with that you can be a bit bossy/abrasive/gruff/whatever...but that if you do come off that way, it's because your main concern is results. when people know that you're being a bit of a dick because you're working towards a goal that benefits them, in most cases they'll be on-board - as long as you aren't being insulting, or personally attacking them.

 

[LBTM]

If you're being rude without realizing it try seeing yourself as the listener to what your saying, when you're speaking and how that would affect you. Just keep that in mind all the time and you'll be fine.

 

[XxSicRokerxX]

Simply ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?"

 

[anotherpaul]

^ I usually ask "What would Henry Rollins do?"

 

[UncleBob]

Simply ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?"

He would tame dragons

 

[Joelegend]

Maybe there is nothing wrong with you, maybe it's them being intolerant. A tip my boss learned me is: instead saying to ppl what to do or not, ask ppl why they do it their way (when it is not the right one). And if you are not a big talker, you're not, accept it. Some people are different (many are the same ). Talking to much is just noise pollution.