<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=3 width="100%" border=0 valign="top"><TBODY><TR><TD class=bandname vAlign=center align=middle colSpan=2>21 Rules of Technical Metal </TD></TR><TR><TD class=news vAlign=top align=middle colSpan=2>You may have seen the 101 rules of this or that type of metal on the net before, and that was what inspired me to come up with a set of rules for technical metal. Okay, so I didnt come up with 101, but its a little more difficult since tech metal doesnt really have an established scene or image associated with it. When I say technical metal, I am using it as a general term that applies to bands such as Atheist, Cryptopsy, Cynic, Emperor, Gorguts, Liquid Tension Experiment, Meshuggah, Spastic Ink, Spiral Architect, Theory in Practice, Watchtower, etc. Im a big fan of all these bands and I admire their willingness to push the limits of complex songwriting, but theres nothing wrong with poking a little fun at something you love, especially since it kills time, and time must die. So without further ado, here are my 21 Rules of Technical Metal:
1. Your band should contain at least 1 ex-member of Watchtower, or failing that, your band should be heavily influenced by Watchtower, or failing that, your band should at least live in a Watchtower.
2. Theres nothing wrong with having 5 guitarists, or multi-tracking 5 layers of guitar on your album, or cloning yourself so you can play 5 guitar parts at once.
3. No matter how weird your main band is, have a side-project thats even weirder.
4. Your lyrics should revolve around one of the following themes:
- Metaphysics
- The structure of space
- A dark future
- The dark future of the structure of space
5. Write a concept album about the evils of technology, then digitally edit it on your laptop computer and mix it in your state-of-the-art home studio.
6. Record two guitar solos, a bass solo, a drum solo, and a keyboard solo, then layer them all together with Pro Tools and call it a song.
7. Whenever possible, your songs should include a section where the bass is doing something really impressive but completely unrelated to the rest of the music.
8. If you cant pull off 7 time changes in 6 seconds, youre not technical.
9. If you thought the CD was skipping the first time you listened to Meshuggah, youre not technical.
10. Release a new album every 7 years (or never). Its not time for a new album until people think youve broken up.
11. If youre able to move around onstage while playing your songs, youre not technical enough.
12. If people have no trouble headbanging to your songs, youre not technical enough.
13. You were inspired to form a band because of Iron Maiden not because of their unique style, but because of the last few seconds of their songs when they all go crazy on their instruments.
14. Engage in an argument about whether or not Meshuggahs music contains polyrhythms, then make a reference to that argument in a pointless article.
15. When playing a diminished triad of pentacostal adagios in double time over a 37/9 beat, make sure you rotate the quasi-syncopation to coincide with the harmonic minor equinox.
16. If you didnt understand the last rule, youre not technical.
17. If you think you understood it, youre full of shit and youre not technical.
18. When writing new material, remember the three Ps: Pointlessness, Pretentiousness, and Pompousness.
19. When reading album reviews, be sure to look for adjectives such as pointless, pretentious, and pompous. Chances are, these will be totally awesome technical metal albums.
20. If someone tells you that tech metal is too clinical and not emotional enough, explain to them that tech metal is exciting and that excitement is an emotion, then kindly accept their apology for being such an ignoramus.
21. Name your band Ignoramus and tell people you play a sub-genre of math-metal called trigonometry metal. If they reply by telling you that play a sub-genre is like saying perform a category and that its improper grammar, tell them they are getting too technical.
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(cut and paste duh!)
