Darkspot's review of last night's church service...
I was listening to the last few songs of Slayer's God Hates Us All (I needed something as blasphemous and violent and profane as possible, and that was the only thing I could find on such short notice), and was listening to "Nomad" (is that the title? I haven't listened to the CD in a while...) by Vader when we got to the church. Angered that the arrival at church interrupted my listening to Vader, but oh well.
My mom, brother, sister and I went into the church and found a place to sit (the very back pew, lol) while my dad parked the car, then came in and joined us and the service started not soon after.
They started off by singing some random X-mas carol, then one of the priests started talking about how wonderful the church was now that they'd remodeled it, while cracking a bunch of lame jokes, then introduced the "guest pastor" there to do the service since he had to do a service at another church. And he introduced the guest pastor as "this handsome and intelligent man standing in front of me" (or something to that creepy affect)
. And the pastor doing the serivce was-literally-gay. Now, I have nothing against gay people and I'm not stereotyping priests (even though the guy did hit on my brother when we were walking out of the church ), but this man was a flamer. He had a lisp, and he reminded me of all of the queer guys I've ever encountered at school (especially my friend Matt, who's like the Flamer of God). He started off by bringing a bunch of little children up with him and asking them what they wanted for X-mas. One little girl said "A candy machine," and the guy was like "A candy machine? Wow, I'm coming over to your house!" And finally, I guess one of the little children had been coached into saying something about Jesus, which led into his sermon.
So, there's the whole "And *random king dude* decreed that all people go to their hometowns to be counted for the purpose of being taxed... And there was a carpenter from Nazareth, named Joseph, and he was engaged to Mary, who was with child... and Mary was only 15 years old, and in those days it was a big scandel to have an unwed mother in the family, but Mary knew that she was carrying the child of God..." They get there, inn's full, they find a barn, the chick has her kid in a barn, he's so fucking special that angels go to sheperds and they come to see the kid, blah and blah. And then no church serivce at this place would be complete without a really lame segue story, so...
Pastor- "There's this story about a couple who were married for 75 years. One night, they were sitting out on their porch, in the swing, and there was romance in the airPuke: ), and the man leaned over and said to his wife, 'I really adore you.' His wife was hard of hearing, so she asked 'What? What did you say?' So he said again 'I really adore you.' His wife got up and yelled 'Well I'm tired of you, too!' and stormed off into the house."
And that story, in some lameass way or another, is supposed to be about how we take things for granted. I don't know, don't ask me.
Then, later on, the children were brought back up and, since it was Jesus's birthday, the pastor led the children in the singing of "Happy Birthday" to Jesus. Dead serious. "Happy Birthday."
They did the whole shake-the-hand-of-the-people-around-you and wish them "Peace be with you" deal, and then the going-up-and-recieving-the-Christ cracker, and then, eventually it was over. We all filed out of the church, and the various priests (one of which, accoridng to my brother, looked like Kermit the Frog) waited at the door to say goodbye and "Merry Christmas". My brothe walks past the gay guy and gets wished a "Merry Christmas, buddy..." which severely freaked the boy out, but made my sister and I laugh our asses off. And neither of my parents believed me when I insisted that the pastor was gay, either.
All on all, that was one of the most amusing church services I think I've ever been to, despite the fact that I had to swollow down the vomit when they were reciting this Creed thing that was like "We believe in one God, one Savior, etc." And I got to brutalize all of the holiness out of me with Immolation's Close to a World Below CD on the way home, so all's well that ends well, I guess.
~Laura
I was listening to the last few songs of Slayer's God Hates Us All (I needed something as blasphemous and violent and profane as possible, and that was the only thing I could find on such short notice), and was listening to "Nomad" (is that the title? I haven't listened to the CD in a while...) by Vader when we got to the church. Angered that the arrival at church interrupted my listening to Vader, but oh well.
My mom, brother, sister and I went into the church and found a place to sit (the very back pew, lol) while my dad parked the car, then came in and joined us and the service started not soon after.
They started off by singing some random X-mas carol, then one of the priests started talking about how wonderful the church was now that they'd remodeled it, while cracking a bunch of lame jokes, then introduced the "guest pastor" there to do the service since he had to do a service at another church. And he introduced the guest pastor as "this handsome and intelligent man standing in front of me" (or something to that creepy affect)
. And the pastor doing the serivce was-literally-gay. Now, I have nothing against gay people and I'm not stereotyping priests (even though the guy did hit on my brother when we were walking out of the church ), but this man was a flamer. He had a lisp, and he reminded me of all of the queer guys I've ever encountered at school (especially my friend Matt, who's like the Flamer of God). He started off by bringing a bunch of little children up with him and asking them what they wanted for X-mas. One little girl said "A candy machine," and the guy was like "A candy machine? Wow, I'm coming over to your house!" And finally, I guess one of the little children had been coached into saying something about Jesus, which led into his sermon. So, there's the whole "And *random king dude* decreed that all people go to their hometowns to be counted for the purpose of being taxed... And there was a carpenter from Nazareth, named Joseph, and he was engaged to Mary, who was with child... and Mary was only 15 years old, and in those days it was a big scandel to have an unwed mother in the family, but Mary knew that she was carrying the child of God..." They get there, inn's full, they find a barn, the chick has her kid in a barn, he's so fucking special that angels go to sheperds and they come to see the kid, blah and blah. And then no church serivce at this place would be complete without a really lame segue story, so...
Pastor- "There's this story about a couple who were married for 75 years. One night, they were sitting out on their porch, in the swing, and there was romance in the air
Puke: ), and the man leaned over and said to his wife, 'I really adore you.' His wife was hard of hearing, so she asked 'What? What did you say?' So he said again 'I really adore you.' His wife got up and yelled 'Well I'm tired of you, too!' and stormed off into the house."And that story, in some lameass way or another, is supposed to be about how we take things for granted. I don't know, don't ask me.
Then, later on, the children were brought back up and, since it was Jesus's birthday, the pastor led the children in the singing of "Happy Birthday" to Jesus. Dead serious. "Happy Birthday."
They did the whole shake-the-hand-of-the-people-around-you and wish them "Peace be with you" deal, and then the going-up-and-recieving-the-Christ cracker, and then, eventually it was over. We all filed out of the church, and the various priests (one of which, accoridng to my brother, looked like Kermit the Frog) waited at the door to say goodbye and "Merry Christmas". My brothe walks past the gay guy and gets wished a "Merry Christmas, buddy..." which severely freaked the boy out, but made my sister and I laugh our asses off. And neither of my parents believed me when I insisted that the pastor was gay, either.
All on all, that was one of the most amusing church services I think I've ever been to, despite the fact that I had to swollow down the vomit when they were reciting this Creed thing that was like "We believe in one God, one Savior, etc." And I got to brutalize all of the holiness out of me with Immolation's Close to a World Below CD on the way home, so all's well that ends well, I guess.
~Laura
