A Priest sipping vodka... quite funny!

[Ian 'E' Edwards]

I got sent this in an e-mail and thought some of you might chuckle!?


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[Tony]

Brillant!!!

 

[madgirl]

HAHAHA!!!

As a catholicy girl... i can quite say= thats foooking hilari arse!

lol

MAde me gigle mucho!

 

[Thespawned]

Originally posted by madgirl
HAHAHA!!!

As a catholicy girl... i can quite say= thats foooking hilari arse!

lol

MAde me gigle mucho!

didnt know u were religous....

thats VVVV funny ian!!

 

[MattBlack]

I got this in HSBC internal mail the other day...

QUICK AND EASY WAY TO UNDERSTAND WORLD POLITICS

1. FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

2. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

3. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

4. APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

5. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

6. NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

7. MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

8. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

9. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

10. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

11. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.

12. BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

13. EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

14. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

15. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.

16. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

17. MALE CHAUVINISM: You have two cows. You're married to one and the other is your mother in law.

18. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past)two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

19. COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this milk.

20. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

[Tony]

Arrrgh, my poor fecking stomach..... im laughing too much!