INFERNAL COMBUSTION ISSUE #3: 2/17/2003
DAN SPITZ FORBIDDEN TO USE THE TERM 'SUPERGROUP'
Dan Spitz lists to starboard
For a week now, rumors have been buzzing in the metal scene about 7 Times 70, the new band allegedly featuring former Anthrax axeman Dan Spitz, ex-Megadeth bassist David Ellefson, Iron Maiden drummer Nicko McBrain, and Vanilla Ice on vocals. However, some wind was taken out of the group's sails today when a Florida judge ruled that Spitz could not use the term supergroup to describe the band in advertising or press releases.
I mean, come on, who are we shitting here? exclaimed 8th Circuit Court judge Melvin Armbruster. By any yardstick we could measure with, this group is not super. It is many things, yes. But super? God, no. If someone wants to coin the term 'weirdgroup' or 'whathefuck-are-they-thinking-group,' the court will allow those definitions to stand. I mean, Christ, it's not even a GROUP! It fails both criteria.
Nicko McBrain, contacted for his opinion on the ruling, seemed optimistic. Look. Me label's issued a statement. I am NOT in Danny Spitz's band, right? Maiden's about to release a full album and do a tour, which'll no doubt lead to another three live albums and a reissue campaign or two. I ain't got the time, mate!
Spitz, reached in the basement of his Florida apartment complex, in a laundry room he's dubbed Electric Spitzyland, was more enthusiastic. Do the math! Anthrax can't hold me back, the devil can't hold me back, and some dumb judge isn't gonna stop my heavyness! I'll call it what I want, because I am a music industry professional! Ask my bass player... you may have heard of him
does the name David Ellefson ring your cuckoo clock? Huh? Does it??
Ellefson stands behind his bandmate and friend. For fuck's sake, you stupid fuck!!! he replied, when reached for comment while taking out Dave Mustaine's garbage outside his Phoenix-area home. What part of 'I'm not in that band' don't you get? Wait... did that creepy little walleyed midget put you up to this? Jesus, I jam with him once and now it's like I'm being stalked. Look, I can't make it any plainer I AM NOT IN A BAND WITH DAN SPITZ. If he's telling people I am, he's a delusional idiot. No one in this business is pathetic enough to return that dork's calls, much less be in his band!
Spitz, who divides his time between issuing self-penned press releases and posting under assumed names on his new message board, says that despite a cease-and-desist order and calls from the local police precinct, he will not cave in. I'm in a group and it's super!! I'm super!! We're super! It's a supergroup!! God don't make no junk, you know? I'm an important member of the music industry, and just because we have no songs, no deal, and an imaginary lineup, I won't let the naysayers and the hellbound Jew-run media stop me!! I'll keep saying it! Supergroup supergroup supergroup!! Spitz was then arrested by local police, and his Realistic tape recorder and Tomy My First Typewriter, loaded with another incriminating press release, was confiscated.
Mr. Spitz is clearly a danger to himself and a nuisance to the community, and should be remanded to the state's care for the time being, Judge Armbruster said, ruling Spitz incompetent to stand trial. It's the merciful thing to do besides, if we lock him in the nuthouse, he doesn't have to keep taking Vanilla Ice's calls. That's a burden no man, sane or otherwise, should have to bear.
7 Times 70's debut album is scheduled for release some time after shit sticks to the moon.
- Keith Bergman
Based on a concept by Jewy Ramone
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