TRANSCRIPT:
DINNER WITH ANTHRAX
0619 (123)
Regular Cast:
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog
Guest Cast:
Stan.......................Fred Willard
V.J........................Roger Rose
Himself....................Edd Byrnes
Themselves.................Anthrax
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY
(PEGGY AND AL ENTER THE FRONT DOOR. THEY HANG THEIR COATS. PEGGY IS CARRYING A POSTCARD)
AL Is nothing I do good enough for you?
PEGGY I am not talking to you. I don't want to discuss this anymore. Al, it's our Twentieth
Anniversary and you give me a postcard.
AL Well, I read that the gift for the Twentieth Anniversary is china. That's a picture of
China. What do you want from me? Hey, I could have got you a Chicago Bears mug with a
fill-up, but I said no, my wife's anniversary, here's the nickel, give me the
postcard. Happy Anniversary, Babe.
(AL OFFERS HIS CHEEK FOR A KISS)
PEGGY Al. You never get me anything good. For our fifteenth anniversary you got me some
motor oil.
AL Hey, that motor oil's still in your car.
PEGGY Well, this year I want something special.
AL Oh, all right. How much?
PEGGY What I want won't cost you a thing.
(AL BRIGHTENS)
PEGGY I want to be made love to.
AL And you think that's not gonna cost me anything?
PEGGY And I am not just talking about sex, Al. I want to be made love to.
AL What in Sam Hill does that mean?
PEGGY I want to be held, I want to be caressed, I want to be romanced.
AL Peg, wait a second, I've been secretly hiding a hundred bucks. What say I just give it to
you and we call it even?
PEGGY No. I want some romance in my life, Al, and I'm not talking about the old thirty second
crash 'n' burn. Or the old twenty second bump and snore. And I really don't want that old
New Year's Eve ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, sorry, better luck
next year.
(PEGGY STARTS UPSTAIRS. AL FOLLOWS)
AL Peg. Peg. Peg. Please, reconsider. Please, if you have any feelings for me don't make me
make love to you, Babe. Please. Peg, do you hate me that much?
(AL AND PEGGY EXIT. KELLY AND BUD ENTER FROM OUTSIDE)
KELLY C'mon, Bud. They're just about to announce the winner for "My Dinner With Anthrax"
contest. Where's the remote? Where's the remote?
(THEY DIG THROUGH THE COUCH CUSHIONS. THEY TOSS UNDERWEAR, BEER CANS, SOCKS, EMPTY CEREAL BOXES
AND THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA POSTCARD)
BUD Okay, I gotta plan. Dad once told me about the old days. People would walk over to the TV
and turn it on.
KELLY (DISBELIEVING) Go on.
BUD I'm not kidding. (EINSTEIN-LIKE) It just might work.
(THEY CAUTIOUSLY APPROACH THE TV AND PUSH A BUTTON. IT COMES ON)
KELLY Ooh.
BUD Ooh.
V.J. (V.O.) And now, the moment you've been waiting for. It's time to pick the winner of the
Video Channel's "My Dinner With Anthrax" contest.
CUT TO:
INT. CHEAP STUDIO - CONTINUOUS
(WE SEE THE V.J.)
V.J. Yes, and as you can see, the guys are pretty excited.
(WE SEE ANTHRAX LOOKING BORED)
VJ We pay for a party in your house, including dinner for you and fifty of your closest
friends. And Anthrax will rock your house off. Yeah. Right boys?
(THE OTHERS LOOK UP FROM THEIR MAGAZINE AND NOD, THEN GO BACK TO READING)
CUT TO:
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
KELLY (ENUNCIATING) I am dying. Wouldn't it be so cool if Anthrax came to our house?
BUD Sure, it would be great for them. 'Cause they'd get to meet me. Grandmaster B and
Anthrax. They think they're gettin' some now...
KELLY Gee, thigh master. Shouldn't you be undressing yourself with your eyes about now?
BUD Hush, hush, sweet harlot. They're gonna announce the winner.
CUT TO:
INT. CHEAP STUDIO - CONTINUOUS
V.J. (REACHES IN AND PULLS ONE OUT) And the winner is... Bud, Grinchmaster B, Bundy.
CUT TO:
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
(WE SEE BUD AND KELLY'S REACTIONS)
BUD I won. I won. Me. Anthrax is coming here, Anthrax is coming here. I'm having a party.
KELLY Gee, Bud, fifty of your closest friends. Let's see, I guess that would be Grandma and a
bunch of stuffed animals, huh?
(KELLY LAUGHS)
BUD Yeah, and my favorite future welfare mother. Speaking of which, we've gotta get rid of
Mom and Dad.
KELLY Oh, yeah. (DERISIVE) Them. Yeah, they'd be great with Anthrax. Mom getting out her
accordion and playing songs of her stinking youth. And Dad saying, "Do any of you guys
want to see my bathroom? The flush will suck your arm right down".
BUD Well, maybe they'll listen to reason.
(AL ENTERS. BUD AND KELLY APPROACH HIM)
BUD Hey, Dad...
AL Go away.
BUD Dad, this isn't about money.
AL Go away, anyhow.
BUD Dad, we want to throw a party on the thirtieth. Can we please?
AL Absolutely not. I have something very important to do that night, requires total silence.
I can't get too technical, but it involves your Mother, our anniversary and me making
love to her till I shrivel up and die. Now, you're too young to hear any more. Excuse me,
I'm going to go outside and walk blindly in traffic.
(HE EXITS)
ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER
(AL AND JEFFERSON ENTER)
JEFFERS Are you feeling better, Al?
(AL NODS AND SOBS)
JEFFERS Okay, now that you're more composed, can you tell me what you were doing sitting behind
my car with the exhaust pipe in your mouth?
AL My wife wants me to make love to her.
JEFFERS Well, then shouldn't she be the one with her mouth on the exhaust pipe?
AL You don't understand. She wants me to hold her and to kiss her, and tell her how happy
she's made me feel. Look at me. I'm shivering. Parts of me have fainted.
JEFFERS You can do it, Al. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have made love to over twenty thousand
women.
AL Yeah, and not one of them was his wife.
(AL SHAKES AS JEFFERSON MASSAGES HIS SHOULDERS)
JEFFERS C'mon. You can do it, Al. First, you put on some music, then you turn the lights down
low.
AL Low? Low?
JEFFERS Yeah.
AL But I can still see her!
JEFFERS Hey, then they like you to slowly undress them. Then you lower her gently onto the bed
and eight hours later, it's over.
AL Eight hours? Eight hours? Oh, God, the humanity. Hold me, Jefferson.
JEFFERS You can do it, Big Guy.
AL No, I can't. You don't understand. It's my wife. It's not right.
JEFFERS It's your own fault for being so damn desirable, Al.
AL Yes. You're right of course. I see that now. When my looks say yes, how can I say no?
Well, I must prepare myself.
JEFFERS What are you gonna do, some wind sprints?
AL No, no. I'm going to the magazine stand and get a copy of 'Big 'Uns' and a great big
bottle of Dramamine for the she-sickness.
(THEY HEAD OUT AND CROSS THE KIDS WHO ENTER)
BUD Hi, Dad.
AL Go away.
(AL AND JEFFERSON EXIT)
KELLY So Bud, what about my idea of getting rid of Mom and Dad?
BUD Kell, I think dropping a safe on them would kill them.
KELLY It never killed Daffy, or Elmer, or that dog that's always after the Roadrunner.
BUD Well, Kell, I guess as long as old men in hats drive cars and pass out lollipops, you'll
be fine. Now, let me think. Let's see. It's their anniversary. I wish we had enough money
to send them on vacation.
KELLY (PICKS UP A NEWSPAPER) Then why don't we send them on one of these free vacations?
(SHE SHOWS HIM THE PAPER)
BUD You moron. These aren't free vacations. These are time-sharing deals. They're total
scams. I mean, they get you down there. They try to make you buy land. They don't leave
you alone for two solid days. It's torture, it's hell... it's perfect.
(THEY GIGGLE GLEEFULLY)
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
INT. HOTEL ROOM
SUPER: SWEATBUCKET, FLORIDA
(AL AND PEGGY ENTER. THEY ARE DRESSED FOR THE HEAT)
PEGGY Gee, I can't believe we're in Florida. Why if it wasn't for the thousand degree heat, the
flying palmetto bugs, and the smell of your frying feet, I'd think we were in Heaven. It
was nice of the kids to send us, though. Kinda romantic, huh?
AL You ain't seen nothing, yet.
(HE KISSES HER A GOOD ONE)
AL Well, I guess that's it. Happy anniversary, Baby. Bellboy!
PEGGY No, no, no, no, Al. I want the whole enchilada. Y'know, the whole four yards.
AL That's nine yards, Peg.
PEGGY Do you really want me to get out the ruler, Al? Now let's get to it.
AL (SIGHS) Oh, alright. Go lie down. I have to prepare myself.
(PEGGY GETS ON THE BED. AL TAKES OUT A GREEN SUITCASE. WE HEAR THE GUITAR PART OF "BAD TO THE
BONE" AS AL CLICKS THE LOCKS ON THE SUITCASE. HE PULLS A FLAP. A COMPARTMENT COMES DOWN. IT'S
FILLED WITH GIRLIE MAGAZINES. AL CHECKS OUT SEVERAL CENTERFOLDS AS PEGGY WAITS EXPECTANTLY. THEN)
AL (EASTWOODESQUE) Let's jam.
(AL CLIMBS ON THE BED. THEN STAN, A GUY IN A BAD POLYESTER SUIT, ENTERS THE ROOM. HE HAS A SLIDE
PROJECTOR, MAPS, BLUEPRINTS, ETC.)
STAN Don't mind me. I'm just setting up here. Hi, Stan Mendelsohn. Call me Cap'n Scooter. I
just want to extend an official welcome to Hurricane Hole. Soon to be sunny Florida's
finest resort community.
(STAN GRABS A SPRAY CAN)
STAN Let me get that lizard there for you.
(STAN SPRAYS THE GIANT LIZARD ON THE WALL)
STAN So, ya busy?
AL Not really.
(PEGGY REACTS)
PEGGY Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but this is kind of our vacation.
STAN How pathetic is that? You've got your job to do, and I've got mine, right? So...
(STAN STARTS SHOWING SLIDES)
STAN This is an artist's conception of what Hurricane Hole will look like when it's finished.
(TO HIMSELF) Sometime in the year three thousand. (ALOUD) Let's talk luxury, let's talk
condos. Hey, I see you got a copy of 'Big 'Uns' there. I had a letter in the last issue.
But you know, if you really want to see some big uns, take a look at this house.
(STAN SETS UP AN EASEL AND STARTS UNROLLING BLUEPRINTS)
AL Damn Kids. I think they tricked us. We're here in this sweltering hell and they're having
the wildest time of their lives back home.
ACT TWO
SCENE TWO
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT
(WE SEE ANTHRAX SITTING, BORED. KELLY'S ON THE PHONE. OUTSIDE WE SEE MOUNTAINS OF SNOW. BUD SITS
BY THE RADIO)
D.J. (V.O.) How about that, Chicago? Ten feet of snow and the city's at a stand still. I bet
the only place that's hot is the party at Bud Bundy's house, where Anthrax is rockin' the
roof off. They must be having one great time.
(BUD TURNS OFF THE RADIO. KELLY HANGS UP THE PHONE)
KELLY Well, that's guest number fifty that's snowed in and can't make it. I guess it means
more Anthrax for us.
FRANK (TO SCOTT) Let's get there early, you said. For once, let's be responsible, you said.
Their dog won't take a whizz on my guitar, you said.
SCOTT I'm not so sure it was the dog, "Mr. Two Six Packs of Malt Liquor."
BUD Well, it looks like it's just gonna be us. That's okay. We can still have fun together.
Right guys? Well, here's a little game I know that can break the ice at any party. We
say our first names, and then the name of an animal that begins with the same letter.
I'll go first. Bud - Bear.
(BUD LOOKS EXPECTANTLY AT ANTHRAX)
BUD Go on.
DAN Dan - Bite me.
BUD Now, right off, Dan, that's too many words...
(THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. MARCY OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL A TUNNEL IN THE SNOW.
SHE COMES THROUGH, DRESSED IN A HUGE PARKA AND ALL BUNDLED UP. SHE IS CARRYING A SHOVEL)
MARCY Hi. I just came by to check on you. (SHE SEES ANTHRAX) Ah, I see you have some killers
over. Very nice. (TO ANTHRAX) I'm Marcy.
CHARLIE Nice to meet you, sir.
MARCY I am a woman.
DAN Yeah, right. And (INDICATES BUD) he's a rap star, (INDICATES KELLY) she's a genius, and
we're glad to be here.
MARCY Well, anyway, your Mother and Father asked me to look in on you while they were out of
town. Just make sure everything is on the up and up, shall we say.
(MARCY PATS FRANK DOWN FOR WEAPONS. SHE SMILES GIDDILY. HE LOOKS UNEASY)
MARCY My, you're young and firm.
FRANK Thanks Mister.
KELLY Relax, Mrs. D'Arcy. They're famous musicians. We won them in a contest.
MARCY Musicians, eh? Well. I don't want you to think I'm unhep. I chased the Monkees like
everyone else.
FRANK Yeah, I bet they were running like Hell.
MARCY Well, I liked Peter. He was the shy one. Which one of you is the shy one?
SCOTT Not me. I wear the hat. (THEN) Hey, let's get this little guy's shovel and dig a tunnel
out of here.
(THEY START UP)
BUD (WITH CONTRACT) Sorry guys, but you're going nowhere. According to this contract, you owe
us a song first.
JOE Hey, it's supposed to be dinner with Anthrax. Dinner. I play nothing till I eat.
(JOE SITS DOWN AND FOLDS HIS ARM)
JOE (TO MARCY) And in case you were wondering, I'm the hungry one.
BUD Well, let's go to the fridge and see what we have to eat.
(ANTHRUX RUN TO THE REFRIGERATOR, SHOUTING "FOOD, FOOD")
MARCY Hey, do you guys do "I'm A Believer"? 'Cause Mickey used to really rock out on that one.
(THEY OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR)
JOE Oh. Wow. The desolation.
CHARLIE It's not totally empty. There's a Chia Pet in there.
BUD That's not a Chia Pet. That was a meat loaf.
(BUD GOES TO THE REFRIGIRATOR AND GETS OUT AN ALUMINUM FOILD WRAPPED PACK)
BUD There's always Mom's aluminum foil wrapped mystery pack.
(THE ANTHRAX MEMBERS GRAB THE PACK FROM BUD EXCITEDLY AND TAKE IT TO THE KITCHEN TABLE)
BUD (TO KELLY) Oh wow, they're gonna eat the mystery pack. Even Dad won't eat the mystery
pack. These guys are cool.
(ANTHRAX EAT THE MYSTERY PACK)
SCOTT Wow, the colors. The colors.
JOE Is your hunk moving?
DAN Oh, it's bitin' me.
CHARLIE If it came out of the fridge, why is it hot?
FRANK (LOOKS AROUND) I see fifty people now. Let's jam.
FLIP TO:
(ANTHRAX PLAYS A SONG. BUD AIRGUITARS. KELLY HEADBANGS. JOE SHATTERS A BOTTLE ON HIS HEAD. DAN
SMASHES A LAMP WITH HIS GUITAR. FRANK SIPS FROM A BOTTLE, THEN SMASHES IT AGAINST HIS AMPLIFIER.
SCOTT BREAKS A CHAIR, THEN SMASHES A VASE WITH HIS GUITAR. MARCY GETS UP AND STARTS PICKING UP
THINGS AND SMASHING THEM TOO. BUD CLIMBS ON THE COUCH AND JUMPS OFF. MARCY TEARS OPEN A PILLOW
AND SPREADS FEATHERS. KELLY STRUMS DAN'S GUITAR)
ACT TWO
SCENE THREE
INT. HOTEL ROOM
(AL AND PEGGY ARE ON THE BED. THERE IS A MODEL OF HURRICANE HOLE ON IT. STAN KNEELS BESIDE THE
MODEL)
STAN Go ahead. See what it's like to come home to your wife in Hurricane Hole.
(AL, WITH A LITTLE MODEL CAR, PULLS UP TO THE DRIVEWAY)
AL Vroom. Vroom. Look, Peg, I'm home.
PEGGY Look, Stan, my husband's a moron. Now look, it's our anniversary. You can at least have
the decency to step outside and give us three seconds to have sex.
STAN Not until I've played my trump card. Folks, if you buy here in Hurricane Hole, your
celebrity neighbor will be, yes, Edd "Kookie" Byrnes.
(EDD BYRNES ENTERS JAUNTILY. HE HOLDS A TAPE RECORDER. WE HEAR THE GIRL'S PART, "KOOKIE,
KOOKIE, LEND ME YOUR COMB. KOOKIE, KOOKIE." KOOKIE TURNS OFF THE TAPE AND SMILES COCKILY.
HE RUNS A COMB THROUGH HIS HAIR. HE HANDS THEM COMBS)
EDD Have a comb, fans.
PEGGY (EXCITED) Oh, Al. It's former teen idol and star of Seventy-Seven Sunset Strip, Edd
"Kookie" Byrnes.
AL Oh, man.
STAN So, Kook, tell the folks why you bought here at Hurricane Hole.
EDD You gave me one for free, Stan.
STAN So what do you say, Folks? It's just six dollars down.
AL I don't have that kind of money.
STAN C'mon, everybody has that kind of money. Even Kookie.
PEGGY Well, you see, my husband is a shoe salesman.
(STAN'S SMILE VANISHES. HE BEGINS PACKING UP HIS VISUAL AIDS)
STAN Let's go, Kook. (TO AL AND PEGGY) Be out by dawn.
(EDD AND STAN EXIT. AL AND PEGGY ARE ALONE IN THE ROOM. PEGGY PULLS AL DOWN ON THE BED)
PEGGY Oh, Al. Kookie spoke to me. Let's do it on his combs.
AL Wait a minute, Peg. Kookie stole my copy of 'Big 'Uns.'
PEGGY C'mon now, I want my anniversary present.
(PEGGY GETS ON TOP OF AL)
AL Oh, Peg, I can't do it without my copy of 'Big 'Uns.'
PEGGY Yes you can.
AL Kookie, Kookie, lend me my 'Big 'Uns.'
(AL SCREAMS AS PEGGY PULLS HIM DOWN)
ACT TWO
SCENE FOUR
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - SEVERAL DAYS LATER
(THE PLACE IS A MESS. PEGGY STAND OVER KELLY AND BUD, WHO SIT ON THE COUCH. AL IS LOOKING AT A
GUITAR THAT'S STICKING THROUGH THE GARAGE WALL. HE STRUMS IT, THEN TURNS CROSSES THE KIDS)
AL You kids should be ashamed of youselves. Having a party while I was stuck down in a swamp
having sex with your mother. Never want to go back to either place again. Where's my fun?
PEGGY Al, like you, the kids just did their best.
BUD We're sorry about everything, Mom.
KELLY Yeah, happy anniversary. Did you get us anything good from Florida?
AL Uh, we didn't have much money, so we got the only thing we could afford. It's out on the
porch.
(AL OPENS THE DOOR AND EDD ENTERS)
EDD Hi, Kids. Hey, as soon as I bring in the rest of your bags I've got a treat for you. Yep.
"Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb."
(EDD HANDS THEM COMBS AND EXITS)
KELLY Who's he?
AL That's Kookie. Your mother said she'd walk and feed him. But you know the first rainy
night, who's gonna be doin' it. By the way, who are those guys out on the stoop?
KELLY Oh, that's the band Anthrax. They ate Mom's mystery pack, so the Enviromental Protection
Agency quarantined them to our house for six months.
AL Well, what kind of horrible sounds am I going to have to be listening to for the next
half year?
CUT TO:
EXT. BUNDY STOOP - CONTINUOUS
(ANTHRAX IS WITH KOOKIE)
ANTHRAX (A CAPELLA) KOOKIE, KOOKIE, LEND ME YOUR COMB. KOOKIE, KOOKIE.
KOOKIE I GOT SMOG IN MY NOGGIN'
ANTHRAX NOGGIN'
KOOKIE EVER SINCE YOU MADE THE SCENE
ANTHRAX THE SCENE.
KOOKIE BABY, YOU'RE THE GINCHIEST.
ANTHRAX BABY, YOU'RE THE GINCHIEST.
THE END
DINNER WITH ANTHRAX
0619 (123)
Regular Cast:
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog
Guest Cast:
Stan.......................Fred Willard
V.J........................Roger Rose
Himself....................Edd Byrnes
Themselves.................Anthrax
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY
(PEGGY AND AL ENTER THE FRONT DOOR. THEY HANG THEIR COATS. PEGGY IS CARRYING A POSTCARD)
AL Is nothing I do good enough for you?
PEGGY I am not talking to you. I don't want to discuss this anymore. Al, it's our Twentieth
Anniversary and you give me a postcard.
AL Well, I read that the gift for the Twentieth Anniversary is china. That's a picture of
China. What do you want from me? Hey, I could have got you a Chicago Bears mug with a
fill-up, but I said no, my wife's anniversary, here's the nickel, give me the
postcard. Happy Anniversary, Babe.
(AL OFFERS HIS CHEEK FOR A KISS)
PEGGY Al. You never get me anything good. For our fifteenth anniversary you got me some
motor oil.
AL Hey, that motor oil's still in your car.
PEGGY Well, this year I want something special.
AL Oh, all right. How much?
PEGGY What I want won't cost you a thing.
(AL BRIGHTENS)
PEGGY I want to be made love to.
AL And you think that's not gonna cost me anything?
PEGGY And I am not just talking about sex, Al. I want to be made love to.
AL What in Sam Hill does that mean?
PEGGY I want to be held, I want to be caressed, I want to be romanced.
AL Peg, wait a second, I've been secretly hiding a hundred bucks. What say I just give it to
you and we call it even?
PEGGY No. I want some romance in my life, Al, and I'm not talking about the old thirty second
crash 'n' burn. Or the old twenty second bump and snore. And I really don't want that old
New Year's Eve ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, sorry, better luck
next year.
(PEGGY STARTS UPSTAIRS. AL FOLLOWS)
AL Peg. Peg. Peg. Please, reconsider. Please, if you have any feelings for me don't make me
make love to you, Babe. Please. Peg, do you hate me that much?
(AL AND PEGGY EXIT. KELLY AND BUD ENTER FROM OUTSIDE)
KELLY C'mon, Bud. They're just about to announce the winner for "My Dinner With Anthrax"
contest. Where's the remote? Where's the remote?
(THEY DIG THROUGH THE COUCH CUSHIONS. THEY TOSS UNDERWEAR, BEER CANS, SOCKS, EMPTY CEREAL BOXES
AND THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA POSTCARD)
BUD Okay, I gotta plan. Dad once told me about the old days. People would walk over to the TV
and turn it on.
KELLY (DISBELIEVING) Go on.
BUD I'm not kidding. (EINSTEIN-LIKE) It just might work.
(THEY CAUTIOUSLY APPROACH THE TV AND PUSH A BUTTON. IT COMES ON)
KELLY Ooh.
BUD Ooh.
V.J. (V.O.) And now, the moment you've been waiting for. It's time to pick the winner of the
Video Channel's "My Dinner With Anthrax" contest.
CUT TO:
INT. CHEAP STUDIO - CONTINUOUS
(WE SEE THE V.J.)
V.J. Yes, and as you can see, the guys are pretty excited.
(WE SEE ANTHRAX LOOKING BORED)
VJ We pay for a party in your house, including dinner for you and fifty of your closest
friends. And Anthrax will rock your house off. Yeah. Right boys?
(THE OTHERS LOOK UP FROM THEIR MAGAZINE AND NOD, THEN GO BACK TO READING)
CUT TO:
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
KELLY (ENUNCIATING) I am dying. Wouldn't it be so cool if Anthrax came to our house?
BUD Sure, it would be great for them. 'Cause they'd get to meet me. Grandmaster B and
Anthrax. They think they're gettin' some now...
KELLY Gee, thigh master. Shouldn't you be undressing yourself with your eyes about now?
BUD Hush, hush, sweet harlot. They're gonna announce the winner.
CUT TO:
INT. CHEAP STUDIO - CONTINUOUS
V.J. (REACHES IN AND PULLS ONE OUT) And the winner is... Bud, Grinchmaster B, Bundy.
CUT TO:
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
(WE SEE BUD AND KELLY'S REACTIONS)
BUD I won. I won. Me. Anthrax is coming here, Anthrax is coming here. I'm having a party.
KELLY Gee, Bud, fifty of your closest friends. Let's see, I guess that would be Grandma and a
bunch of stuffed animals, huh?
(KELLY LAUGHS)
BUD Yeah, and my favorite future welfare mother. Speaking of which, we've gotta get rid of
Mom and Dad.
KELLY Oh, yeah. (DERISIVE) Them. Yeah, they'd be great with Anthrax. Mom getting out her
accordion and playing songs of her stinking youth. And Dad saying, "Do any of you guys
want to see my bathroom? The flush will suck your arm right down".
BUD Well, maybe they'll listen to reason.
(AL ENTERS. BUD AND KELLY APPROACH HIM)
BUD Hey, Dad...
AL Go away.
BUD Dad, this isn't about money.
AL Go away, anyhow.
BUD Dad, we want to throw a party on the thirtieth. Can we please?
AL Absolutely not. I have something very important to do that night, requires total silence.
I can't get too technical, but it involves your Mother, our anniversary and me making
love to her till I shrivel up and die. Now, you're too young to hear any more. Excuse me,
I'm going to go outside and walk blindly in traffic.
(HE EXITS)
ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER
(AL AND JEFFERSON ENTER)
JEFFERS Are you feeling better, Al?
(AL NODS AND SOBS)
JEFFERS Okay, now that you're more composed, can you tell me what you were doing sitting behind
my car with the exhaust pipe in your mouth?
AL My wife wants me to make love to her.
JEFFERS Well, then shouldn't she be the one with her mouth on the exhaust pipe?
AL You don't understand. She wants me to hold her and to kiss her, and tell her how happy
she's made me feel. Look at me. I'm shivering. Parts of me have fainted.
JEFFERS You can do it, Al. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have made love to over twenty thousand
women.
AL Yeah, and not one of them was his wife.
(AL SHAKES AS JEFFERSON MASSAGES HIS SHOULDERS)
JEFFERS C'mon. You can do it, Al. First, you put on some music, then you turn the lights down
low.
AL Low? Low?
JEFFERS Yeah.
AL But I can still see her!
JEFFERS Hey, then they like you to slowly undress them. Then you lower her gently onto the bed
and eight hours later, it's over.
AL Eight hours? Eight hours? Oh, God, the humanity. Hold me, Jefferson.
JEFFERS You can do it, Big Guy.
AL No, I can't. You don't understand. It's my wife. It's not right.
JEFFERS It's your own fault for being so damn desirable, Al.
AL Yes. You're right of course. I see that now. When my looks say yes, how can I say no?
Well, I must prepare myself.
JEFFERS What are you gonna do, some wind sprints?
AL No, no. I'm going to the magazine stand and get a copy of 'Big 'Uns' and a great big
bottle of Dramamine for the she-sickness.
(THEY HEAD OUT AND CROSS THE KIDS WHO ENTER)
BUD Hi, Dad.
AL Go away.
(AL AND JEFFERSON EXIT)
KELLY So Bud, what about my idea of getting rid of Mom and Dad?
BUD Kell, I think dropping a safe on them would kill them.
KELLY It never killed Daffy, or Elmer, or that dog that's always after the Roadrunner.
BUD Well, Kell, I guess as long as old men in hats drive cars and pass out lollipops, you'll
be fine. Now, let me think. Let's see. It's their anniversary. I wish we had enough money
to send them on vacation.
KELLY (PICKS UP A NEWSPAPER) Then why don't we send them on one of these free vacations?
(SHE SHOWS HIM THE PAPER)
BUD You moron. These aren't free vacations. These are time-sharing deals. They're total
scams. I mean, they get you down there. They try to make you buy land. They don't leave
you alone for two solid days. It's torture, it's hell... it's perfect.
(THEY GIGGLE GLEEFULLY)
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
INT. HOTEL ROOM
SUPER: SWEATBUCKET, FLORIDA
(AL AND PEGGY ENTER. THEY ARE DRESSED FOR THE HEAT)
PEGGY Gee, I can't believe we're in Florida. Why if it wasn't for the thousand degree heat, the
flying palmetto bugs, and the smell of your frying feet, I'd think we were in Heaven. It
was nice of the kids to send us, though. Kinda romantic, huh?
AL You ain't seen nothing, yet.
(HE KISSES HER A GOOD ONE)
AL Well, I guess that's it. Happy anniversary, Baby. Bellboy!
PEGGY No, no, no, no, Al. I want the whole enchilada. Y'know, the whole four yards.
AL That's nine yards, Peg.
PEGGY Do you really want me to get out the ruler, Al? Now let's get to it.
AL (SIGHS) Oh, alright. Go lie down. I have to prepare myself.
(PEGGY GETS ON THE BED. AL TAKES OUT A GREEN SUITCASE. WE HEAR THE GUITAR PART OF "BAD TO THE
BONE" AS AL CLICKS THE LOCKS ON THE SUITCASE. HE PULLS A FLAP. A COMPARTMENT COMES DOWN. IT'S
FILLED WITH GIRLIE MAGAZINES. AL CHECKS OUT SEVERAL CENTERFOLDS AS PEGGY WAITS EXPECTANTLY. THEN)
AL (EASTWOODESQUE) Let's jam.
(AL CLIMBS ON THE BED. THEN STAN, A GUY IN A BAD POLYESTER SUIT, ENTERS THE ROOM. HE HAS A SLIDE
PROJECTOR, MAPS, BLUEPRINTS, ETC.)
STAN Don't mind me. I'm just setting up here. Hi, Stan Mendelsohn. Call me Cap'n Scooter. I
just want to extend an official welcome to Hurricane Hole. Soon to be sunny Florida's
finest resort community.
(STAN GRABS A SPRAY CAN)
STAN Let me get that lizard there for you.
(STAN SPRAYS THE GIANT LIZARD ON THE WALL)
STAN So, ya busy?
AL Not really.
(PEGGY REACTS)
PEGGY Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but this is kind of our vacation.
STAN How pathetic is that? You've got your job to do, and I've got mine, right? So...
(STAN STARTS SHOWING SLIDES)
STAN This is an artist's conception of what Hurricane Hole will look like when it's finished.
(TO HIMSELF) Sometime in the year three thousand. (ALOUD) Let's talk luxury, let's talk
condos. Hey, I see you got a copy of 'Big 'Uns' there. I had a letter in the last issue.
But you know, if you really want to see some big uns, take a look at this house.
(STAN SETS UP AN EASEL AND STARTS UNROLLING BLUEPRINTS)
AL Damn Kids. I think they tricked us. We're here in this sweltering hell and they're having
the wildest time of their lives back home.
ACT TWO
SCENE TWO
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT
(WE SEE ANTHRAX SITTING, BORED. KELLY'S ON THE PHONE. OUTSIDE WE SEE MOUNTAINS OF SNOW. BUD SITS
BY THE RADIO)
D.J. (V.O.) How about that, Chicago? Ten feet of snow and the city's at a stand still. I bet
the only place that's hot is the party at Bud Bundy's house, where Anthrax is rockin' the
roof off. They must be having one great time.
(BUD TURNS OFF THE RADIO. KELLY HANGS UP THE PHONE)
KELLY Well, that's guest number fifty that's snowed in and can't make it. I guess it means
more Anthrax for us.
FRANK (TO SCOTT) Let's get there early, you said. For once, let's be responsible, you said.
Their dog won't take a whizz on my guitar, you said.
SCOTT I'm not so sure it was the dog, "Mr. Two Six Packs of Malt Liquor."
BUD Well, it looks like it's just gonna be us. That's okay. We can still have fun together.
Right guys? Well, here's a little game I know that can break the ice at any party. We
say our first names, and then the name of an animal that begins with the same letter.
I'll go first. Bud - Bear.
(BUD LOOKS EXPECTANTLY AT ANTHRAX)
BUD Go on.
DAN Dan - Bite me.
BUD Now, right off, Dan, that's too many words...
(THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. MARCY OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL A TUNNEL IN THE SNOW.
SHE COMES THROUGH, DRESSED IN A HUGE PARKA AND ALL BUNDLED UP. SHE IS CARRYING A SHOVEL)
MARCY Hi. I just came by to check on you. (SHE SEES ANTHRAX) Ah, I see you have some killers
over. Very nice. (TO ANTHRAX) I'm Marcy.
CHARLIE Nice to meet you, sir.
MARCY I am a woman.
DAN Yeah, right. And (INDICATES BUD) he's a rap star, (INDICATES KELLY) she's a genius, and
we're glad to be here.
MARCY Well, anyway, your Mother and Father asked me to look in on you while they were out of
town. Just make sure everything is on the up and up, shall we say.
(MARCY PATS FRANK DOWN FOR WEAPONS. SHE SMILES GIDDILY. HE LOOKS UNEASY)
MARCY My, you're young and firm.
FRANK Thanks Mister.
KELLY Relax, Mrs. D'Arcy. They're famous musicians. We won them in a contest.
MARCY Musicians, eh? Well. I don't want you to think I'm unhep. I chased the Monkees like
everyone else.
FRANK Yeah, I bet they were running like Hell.
MARCY Well, I liked Peter. He was the shy one. Which one of you is the shy one?
SCOTT Not me. I wear the hat. (THEN) Hey, let's get this little guy's shovel and dig a tunnel
out of here.
(THEY START UP)
BUD (WITH CONTRACT) Sorry guys, but you're going nowhere. According to this contract, you owe
us a song first.
JOE Hey, it's supposed to be dinner with Anthrax. Dinner. I play nothing till I eat.
(JOE SITS DOWN AND FOLDS HIS ARM)
JOE (TO MARCY) And in case you were wondering, I'm the hungry one.
BUD Well, let's go to the fridge and see what we have to eat.
(ANTHRUX RUN TO THE REFRIGERATOR, SHOUTING "FOOD, FOOD")
MARCY Hey, do you guys do "I'm A Believer"? 'Cause Mickey used to really rock out on that one.
(THEY OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR)
JOE Oh. Wow. The desolation.
CHARLIE It's not totally empty. There's a Chia Pet in there.
BUD That's not a Chia Pet. That was a meat loaf.
(BUD GOES TO THE REFRIGIRATOR AND GETS OUT AN ALUMINUM FOILD WRAPPED PACK)
BUD There's always Mom's aluminum foil wrapped mystery pack.
(THE ANTHRAX MEMBERS GRAB THE PACK FROM BUD EXCITEDLY AND TAKE IT TO THE KITCHEN TABLE)
BUD (TO KELLY) Oh wow, they're gonna eat the mystery pack. Even Dad won't eat the mystery
pack. These guys are cool.
(ANTHRAX EAT THE MYSTERY PACK)
SCOTT Wow, the colors. The colors.
JOE Is your hunk moving?
DAN Oh, it's bitin' me.
CHARLIE If it came out of the fridge, why is it hot?
FRANK (LOOKS AROUND) I see fifty people now. Let's jam.
FLIP TO:
(ANTHRAX PLAYS A SONG. BUD AIRGUITARS. KELLY HEADBANGS. JOE SHATTERS A BOTTLE ON HIS HEAD. DAN
SMASHES A LAMP WITH HIS GUITAR. FRANK SIPS FROM A BOTTLE, THEN SMASHES IT AGAINST HIS AMPLIFIER.
SCOTT BREAKS A CHAIR, THEN SMASHES A VASE WITH HIS GUITAR. MARCY GETS UP AND STARTS PICKING UP
THINGS AND SMASHING THEM TOO. BUD CLIMBS ON THE COUCH AND JUMPS OFF. MARCY TEARS OPEN A PILLOW
AND SPREADS FEATHERS. KELLY STRUMS DAN'S GUITAR)
ACT TWO
SCENE THREE
INT. HOTEL ROOM
(AL AND PEGGY ARE ON THE BED. THERE IS A MODEL OF HURRICANE HOLE ON IT. STAN KNEELS BESIDE THE
MODEL)
STAN Go ahead. See what it's like to come home to your wife in Hurricane Hole.
(AL, WITH A LITTLE MODEL CAR, PULLS UP TO THE DRIVEWAY)
AL Vroom. Vroom. Look, Peg, I'm home.
PEGGY Look, Stan, my husband's a moron. Now look, it's our anniversary. You can at least have
the decency to step outside and give us three seconds to have sex.
STAN Not until I've played my trump card. Folks, if you buy here in Hurricane Hole, your
celebrity neighbor will be, yes, Edd "Kookie" Byrnes.
(EDD BYRNES ENTERS JAUNTILY. HE HOLDS A TAPE RECORDER. WE HEAR THE GIRL'S PART, "KOOKIE,
KOOKIE, LEND ME YOUR COMB. KOOKIE, KOOKIE." KOOKIE TURNS OFF THE TAPE AND SMILES COCKILY.
HE RUNS A COMB THROUGH HIS HAIR. HE HANDS THEM COMBS)
EDD Have a comb, fans.
PEGGY (EXCITED) Oh, Al. It's former teen idol and star of Seventy-Seven Sunset Strip, Edd
"Kookie" Byrnes.
AL Oh, man.
STAN So, Kook, tell the folks why you bought here at Hurricane Hole.
EDD You gave me one for free, Stan.
STAN So what do you say, Folks? It's just six dollars down.
AL I don't have that kind of money.
STAN C'mon, everybody has that kind of money. Even Kookie.
PEGGY Well, you see, my husband is a shoe salesman.
(STAN'S SMILE VANISHES. HE BEGINS PACKING UP HIS VISUAL AIDS)
STAN Let's go, Kook. (TO AL AND PEGGY) Be out by dawn.
(EDD AND STAN EXIT. AL AND PEGGY ARE ALONE IN THE ROOM. PEGGY PULLS AL DOWN ON THE BED)
PEGGY Oh, Al. Kookie spoke to me. Let's do it on his combs.
AL Wait a minute, Peg. Kookie stole my copy of 'Big 'Uns.'
PEGGY C'mon now, I want my anniversary present.
(PEGGY GETS ON TOP OF AL)
AL Oh, Peg, I can't do it without my copy of 'Big 'Uns.'
PEGGY Yes you can.
AL Kookie, Kookie, lend me my 'Big 'Uns.'
(AL SCREAMS AS PEGGY PULLS HIM DOWN)
ACT TWO
SCENE FOUR
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - SEVERAL DAYS LATER
(THE PLACE IS A MESS. PEGGY STAND OVER KELLY AND BUD, WHO SIT ON THE COUCH. AL IS LOOKING AT A
GUITAR THAT'S STICKING THROUGH THE GARAGE WALL. HE STRUMS IT, THEN TURNS CROSSES THE KIDS)
AL You kids should be ashamed of youselves. Having a party while I was stuck down in a swamp
having sex with your mother. Never want to go back to either place again. Where's my fun?
PEGGY Al, like you, the kids just did their best.
BUD We're sorry about everything, Mom.
KELLY Yeah, happy anniversary. Did you get us anything good from Florida?
AL Uh, we didn't have much money, so we got the only thing we could afford. It's out on the
porch.
(AL OPENS THE DOOR AND EDD ENTERS)
EDD Hi, Kids. Hey, as soon as I bring in the rest of your bags I've got a treat for you. Yep.
"Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb."
(EDD HANDS THEM COMBS AND EXITS)
KELLY Who's he?
AL That's Kookie. Your mother said she'd walk and feed him. But you know the first rainy
night, who's gonna be doin' it. By the way, who are those guys out on the stoop?
KELLY Oh, that's the band Anthrax. They ate Mom's mystery pack, so the Enviromental Protection
Agency quarantined them to our house for six months.
AL Well, what kind of horrible sounds am I going to have to be listening to for the next
half year?
CUT TO:
EXT. BUNDY STOOP - CONTINUOUS
(ANTHRAX IS WITH KOOKIE)
ANTHRAX (A CAPELLA) KOOKIE, KOOKIE, LEND ME YOUR COMB. KOOKIE, KOOKIE.
KOOKIE I GOT SMOG IN MY NOGGIN'
ANTHRAX NOGGIN'
KOOKIE EVER SINCE YOU MADE THE SCENE
ANTHRAX THE SCENE.
KOOKIE BABY, YOU'RE THE GINCHIEST.
ANTHRAX BABY, YOU'RE THE GINCHIEST.
THE END
