do my bass tones suck?

Yea, if you're going to go that way, use the middle pickup selection. Honestly, if you don't want to buy a bass, I'd try to find a VST bass synth. There might be a free one out there somewhere.
 
I'm a big fan of Ampeq SVX for in-the-box bass tones. For a little grind, take your DI track, throw a light compressor on it then --> TSS (drive at 2 o'clock, tone to taste, level set to balance things out) --> and your favorite impulse(s).