My mom actually sent me this one:
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their
hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and
their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I
drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about
my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall
asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's
all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not
go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy
Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast
as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good
for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same
way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it
attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster
and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their
hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and
their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I
drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about
my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall
asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's
all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not
go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy
Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast
as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good
for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group
keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same
way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it
attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster
and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."
