Friday joke......er on Tuesday!

[Paxoman]

Sheila, the Australian housewife, got out of the shower and slipped
over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or
backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She
yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came
running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba"
(his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We
can't do it," Cobba said. "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the
tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and
play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that
mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we
can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

 

[Sammi951]

LMAO!!!

 

[Black Lagoon]

> KENNY THE ROOSTER
>
> This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks badly.
> So, he goes down the road to the next farm and asks if they have a rooster
> that they would sell.
>
> The other farmer says, "Yes, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll
> service every chicken you've got, no problem."
>
> Trouble is, Kenny the rooster costs £3,000, a lot of money, but the Farmer
> decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.
>
> The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he
> gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a
> lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
> Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So,take your time and Have
> some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
>
> Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and
> Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house -
> three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
>
> After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough,
> Kenny is in there.
>
> Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once
> again - WHAM! - All the geese get it.
>
> By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
>
> The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even
> last the night.
>
> Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find
> Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging
> out and both feet sticking straight up in the air with Buzzards circling
> overhead.
>
> The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal,
> shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried
> to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
>
> Kenny slowly opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky
> above and says,
>
> "Shut it, you're scarrin the fanny away."

 

[WILKS]

Nice one lads you set high standards.

 

[Sammi951]