Harsh crisism on my first attempt at writing lyrics please?

[Det Som Engang Var]

Topic title is misspelled, I know.

This is for the Empiric song Reason. I know it probably sucks, but I'm hoping for advice so I can improve. I wrote it about how being atheist makes me feel.

Empiric-Reason

"In shades of obsidian (lol clear Warrel rip off)
I gaze through aimlessly
How still I stand spiteful, godless, cynical and free

I'll wear this Umbrage
Like the savagery I know
With no maker
My reason is my own

I'll wear this umbrage
Like the savagery I carry
Accepting non existence
In it's cold loving embrace

To transform this origin
To define my state of being
Defaulted to my spite
My reason is my own"

 

[derek]

You want harsh - try spelling criticism correctly.

I'll be back in a bit and I'll try to comment on your lyrics.

 

[DreamNeonBlack]

I don't know. I've heard and even wrote lyrics that seemed much worse than this. Yeah the first verse is a bit WD like but you could copy someone much worse. Say Anthrax for example. LOL

 

[Karmic]

 

[Det Som Engang Var]

Thanks Dan.

 

[Tide In Mind Out]

Crisism....could be a band name!

 

[theoden236]

Not bad. Kinda better than when I first attempted writing lyrics.

 

[El Stormo]

Not bad, as said before, but of course lyrics should be heard, not read, to get a good estimate of their worth.

 

[Det Som Engang Var]

Thanks so much guys. I'm in the process of recording them.

My clean vocals still fail, but at the risk of sounding arrogant I can death growl like no ones business.