Has RC thought of doing....

[J.]

...entirely metaphoric reviews? This is something I experimented with while writing for AA. By "metaphoric review" I mean writing of a situation, or writing a descritption of the feelings the music evokes to the reviewer while listening. Here, I'll post some of mine (if you don't mind). If you pay close attention, you'll see each song title weaved somewhere in the review and that a lot of the description is based on the cover art. Please no laughing, as these were strictly experiments, and I think it would be interesting to see Erik write something like this about a black metal album, or NAD doing grind, BWD doing doom, Jay doing power, Josh doing brutal death, etc. Without further ado:

Godflesh
Streetcleaner


It’s coming for me.

I can’t quite see it yet, but I can feel it. The earth shakes at its feet. It is a brutal beast with no conscience out to maul all that hang here. The voices of the ones already consumed yell repeatedly, so I’ve heard. The stench of burning flesh permeates the air and infects my lungs. The caustic sounds it creates are deafening, repeating, driving themselves into my head like an infection.

I hang here on my cross. Perhaps I will die before it reaches me. I look down at something that resembles rats below, but I can’t make it out. Is it bones perhaps? I close my eyes, try to dream good dreams. About when life was easy, when everything didn’t resemble the dead lying in dirt. I cry tiny tears as I remember the way it once was, before the great devastator and mighty krusher. I try to pray, but prayer seems so futile now. I try to think about Christ and how he hung on one of these crosses thousands of years ago. He had hope. I have none, so I hang here like Christ bait.

I can see it now. It looks like a giant furnace, a wall of flame. The sounds are even more deafening. The roar of this bringer of death is unlike anything ever created. The suction it creates is more powerful than I imagined, and it threatens to crush me into pulp.

I begin to will myself to die before it reaches me, but my body does not respond. It is so encompassing and dense, I don’t know how much more I can take. But I begin to understand its power and wish to become a part of it.

It is right in front of me. Laughing at me. Knowing I will never fully understand its meaning.

I close my eyes. I am consumed by the Streetcleaner….



Cephalic Carnage
Halls of Amenti



The world will end in 19 fateful minutes.

Most know it. Only the truly naïve choose to ignore it. The ones who have accepted their fate choose not to love or to comfort, but to destroy. To grind all they have, all they care about, into the ground until nothing is left to remind them of the life they once led.

But before the end comes, they try to remember what triggered the countdown. What was it that initiated their doom? Was it a bomb? Some would say yes. Not a bomb in the literal sense, but as a euphemism. Some say it was God. I’m sure God had something to do with it, but thinking back to when the first second ticked passed my eyes, I could feel no God, only an empty void where the sheer slow-moving, dense blackness enveloped all around me. Then the cold, engulfing realization of my doom hit me, brutalized me. And yet, others would say it was the simple press of a button. A button. What did the button say? Fire? Abort? Play? I choose not to dwell on the cause, instead I become part of the effect.

All around me, chaos. And for some disturbing reason, I am reveling in its presence. I do not want it to end. I want this chaos, these yells of pain, these crushing sounds to stay with me, everlasting. I can hear the beating hearts of the dying, of the doomed. It is a deafening, pulsating sound.

I stop. How much time do I have left? 9 minutes? 10 minutes? I reflect on these past few minutes. Quietly. I feel euphoric. Knowing your inevitable doom is upon is actually quite invigorating. I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted. I watch as the morbid souls around me are feeling the same sense of eternal damnation as I feel. Then, just as the countdown first started, I watch as each individual wreaks havoc upon all they see.

I can feel it. The end is almost upon us. My loved ones are gone. I feel alone. Nothing to do but wallow in my misery. Everything feels foggy. The raging voices inside my head have given way to a constant, repeating sound. I know the end is coming….soon.

A door. A light. Everyone sees it. The door is opening. Blinding light pierces our eyes. Beyond the door lies a hall. The ones that accepted their fate enter the door. The few who continue to act out their existence as if everything is normal, wither away. Realization is like a sledgehammer to the skull. I look at the door, the light.

I enter the Halls of Amenti…..



Kiss It Goodbye
She Loves Me, She Loves Not


I hate everything except her.

I wake up. Open my eyes. Look over at her. She is the one stable thing in my life. I love her. Does she love me? If anyone ever even tries to hurt her, I will make them suffer in ways those medieval amateurs never even thought of. Pain will become a blessing compared to what I will visit upon them. The best part of my day is suddenly past me.

I go to work. I should have called in for a sick day this morning. I walk past the cop that secures my place of employment. Look at his badge. What if I had a gun and some ammunition? I bet that badge would make a damn fine target. Watch the blood flow freely like a stream. I laugh.

My boss walks into my office. I act like I was working. He tells me that my work has been lackluster as of late. I act interested, when in actuality I’m counting how many different ways I could make this motherfucker suffer. I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it. Maybe that’s today.

I actually start working and the fucking fire alarm goes off, piercing my brain like a fucking nail through a foot. However, I’m relieved I can’t hear anyone talking. Turns out it’s a fucking fire drill. While we wait by the exits, I wonder what it would be like if I had an uzi at this very moment and began spraying these fuckers with bullets. Better yet, how about a meat cleaver. Seeing that cold steel break through soft flesh like warm butter. My dick gets hard at the thought.

I eat lunch alone. The way I like it. I don’t like them. Fuck them. They are part of a system I abhor. They think I am one of them. If they only knew I could end their lives in a heartbeat. And I would enjoy it.

I drive home. I purposely cut off other cars, just to get a reaction. Some mouth the words “Fuck you!” Some give me the middle finger. I do this everyday in hopes that I’ll find someone just as insane as I am. I wish someone would get out of their car, and want to fight me. If everything went according to plan, I’d get out of my car and act apologetic. Then I’d pull out my knife and stab this fucker in the throat. I’d laugh.

I get home. Watch the news. Nothing but shit about the government, that system that destroys. If I had the power I’d kill the system. I keep looking for the news about all the people I killed today, then realize that it was all in my head. At least for today.

Before going to bed, I check all the windows. Make sure the cops aren’t outside. They haven’t found me yet. If they did, I’d open my door, knife in hand, put my head down and run straight towards them.

I get in bed. I realize I hate my life. Don’t feel sorry for me, assholes. I don’t give a fuck about you.

I look over at her again. Everything is fine. I hope she loves me. If she leaves me, my thoughts will become reality. I know it. I start to panic.

I begin repeating to myself, “She loves me, she loves me not…..”

 

[MadeInNewJersey]

Wow, a serious idea out of Dream.

I think it's great, and without calling it as such, I tried to do something like it (though not for the entire review) with my review of Solefald's latest album. Very interesting idea.

 

[J.]

In case you're wondering, I was reading American Psycho when I wrote the Kiss It Goodbye review. Plus, the album is that damn violent.

 

[NAD]

Well if you want to know the effectiveness of such a style, those three albums are now on my list to buy (although to be fair that Godflesh has been for awhile anyhow). That being said, those are really really good. Very moving, and even though I'm sure they would work much better if one is already familiar with the album, that looks like a very enjoyable treat for the writer and fan reading it.

Although it does seem that Black Winter Day sort of writes his reviews in that style as it is.

 

[J.]

Void of Silence

Toward the Dusk

It sits there. Staring at me. Begging for me to pick it up.

They say right before you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes. I find this incredibly depressing. How can a life go by in less than a second? I don’t believe them. I think nothing happens in that instant. Perhaps only elemental pain.

I sit here. Alone. A mild form of hate building inside of me. A loathing for the world. How could they do this to me? All I wanted was to belong, to feel like someone desired my presence. Alas, it was not to be. I am stuck in my own private hell. A hell full of anger, hate, pain, and suffering.

Sometimes I can feel them. The demons, I mean. They are not demons from my imagination. I have no imagination. They are, indeed, real. They claw and gnash at my frail body, wanting my soul. I shall oblige them soon enough.

I sometimes feel a sense of joy and relief. A different kind of demon visits me, but these do not hurt me, instead they urge me leave all my negative emotions behind, and for the briefest of moments, I do feel desired and even loved. It feels like ecstasy. But that relief is fleeting, as it is soon replaced by panic. Panic that all this time I have been wrong in my misanthropic ways.

I look forward to the void, the silence. The tortured screams I hear are bearable only because I know they do not come from me.

I pick it up. Place my finger on the trigger. Put it to my temple.

I look Toward the Dusk….

 

[JayKeeley]

Although it does seem that Black Winter Day sort of writes his reviews in that style as it is.

Right on. Writing metaphorically is soooooo draining, although it's a good style if you get it right. Here's my problem with it, however. It doesn't translate well to the non-English speaking/reading countries. People will just 'switch off'.

Dreamlord - did you read my Aeternus review? How about Weiland? Did everyone read the Khanate or Arcturus (LMI) reviews by BWD, or Nightfall by Chief B? The Symphony X review for The Odyssey is practically Homer's Odyssey set to the song titles. Sometimes I have to force myself to remove metaphors!!.

Also, depends on what mood I'm in. Sometimes I love reading metaphoric stuff, and other times, I feel like reading something like PJ's Goatsblood review.

And just wait until you see what NAD has lined up for you lot in the next upload....

 

[NAD]

And just wait until you see what NAD has lined up for you lot in the next upload....

I don't think that counts as metophoric writing. Thanks for the bow either way.

 

[J.]

I totally agree about being in the right mood. For example, I had a bad day when I wrote the Kiss It Goodbye review, in case you can't tell.

And yes, your Aeternus review was spot on.

 

[JayKeeley]

I don't think that counts as metophoric writing. Thanks for the bow either way.

Depends on how you look at it. Either way, I don't sit there and think, "fuck me, what a pretentious wanker" when I read it.

There are times when I've written entire passages in a review, and I think, no....this is Hammerfall I'm writing about.

 

[J.]

Well if you want to know the effectiveness of such a style, those three albums are now on my list to buy (although to be fair that Godflesh has been for awhile anyhow). That being said, those are really really good. Very moving, and even though I'm sure they would work much better if one is already familiar with the album, that looks like a very enjoyable treat for the writer and fan reading it.

You and BWD will TOTALLY dig Halls of Amenti. It's only like $8 or $9 at Willowtip. BWD might already have it since it's a 19 minute doom song. Streetcleaner is definitely the best Godflesh album. Kiss It Goodbye is angry noisey hardcore, but turn up the angry, noise, and hardcore about 50 times.

 

[JayKeeley]

I totally agree about being in the right mood. For example, I had a bad day when I wrote the Kiss It Goodbye review, in case you can't tell.

The other thing Jeff is that it depends on how the music sucks you into its very being. In other words, the music you're writing about has obviously made some impact on you. Other music will make you wanna crack open a beer and watch a lap dance. That's the kinda music where the metaphors might be better left in the trunk of your car, next to your sawn-off shotgun...

 

[NAD]

Depends on how you look at it. Either way, I don't sit there and think, "fuck me, what a pretentious wanker" when I read it.

I think my "forgive me" bit at the end prevents that from happening.

Your long sections are great, that Madder Mortem review is still my favorite on the site.

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Listen! And understand! This thing is out there. It can't be bargained with! It can't be reasoned with! It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are bored to the point of drinking a pint of bleach and slitting your own throat with a rusty spoon.[/font]

Kills me every time.

You and BWD will TOTALLY dig Halls of Amenti. It's only like $8 or $9 at Willowtip. BWD might already have it since it's a 19 minute doom song. Streetcleaner is definitely the best Godflesh album. Kiss It Goodbye is angry noisey hardcore, but turn up the angry, noise, and hardcore about 50 times.

I've found that while I still can't stand "regular" hardcore, the hardcore influenced bands like Burnt by the Sun, Today is the Day, etc. really get me going sometimes. Haven't found that one album in that style that completely knocks me off my feet just yet, but I'm still pretty new to that whole genre anyhow.

 

[J.]

Very true. That's why I only did 5 of them. The other one I won't post, 'cause frankly, I think it sucks. But yes, the only albums that could demand such reviews are ones that hit you deeply. Otherwise, trying to write such a review for a ho-hum album would come off as uneffective.

 

[JayKeeley]

Very true. That's why I only did 5 of them. The other one I won't post, 'cause frankly, I think it sucks. But yes, the only albums that could demand such reviews are ones that hit you deeply. Otherwise, trying to write such a review for a ho-hum album would come off as uneffective.

*cough*

...Jay doing power....

Thank you for that oh so gracious nomination example.

To be fair though, some power/prog metal is exceptional when there's a thorough storyline, or a big epic feel to it - just like the last Symphony X album and the whole Homer Simpson thing. But I would feel like a retarded cunt writing metaphorically for....

*flicks through latest promos*

oh, here's an example, "Metal is Forever" by Primal Fear. With a title like that, whatever you're imagining, multiply the cheese by 17. Evil C wants, Evil C gets. Even Chief B stepped aside from that one.

Rule #1: Metal songs should NEVER contain the word "metal" in the song title, and this, in no way shape or form, should exclude Judas Priest from such crimes against humanity.

 

[J.]

well, I'm sure there's some power metal album that deserves such a review. Of course, I wouldn't know one, but I can definitely see you doing something like this for viking metal.

 

[NAD]

Rule #1: Metal songs should NEVER contain the word "metal" in the song title, and this, in no way shape or form, should exclude Judas Priest from such crimes against humanity.

*wheeze* METALlica. The only reason they aren't riduculed for the name is because they helped to create the scene. And of course their bitchin' logo.

 

[JayKeeley]

well, I'm sure there's some power metal album that deserves such a review. Of course, I wouldn't know one, but I can definitely see you doing something like this for viking metal.

SyX are pretty power'ish. It's a tough one, I'll have to think about which albums...most power metal is a guilty pleasure. I try not to let it sink beneath the skin like I do with, say, Empyrium, Anathema, or Negura Bunget.

Dream - while I've got your attention, I've asked you this before, but did you ever listen to Rakoth's Planeshift?

 

[MadeInNewJersey]

Metal Church? They get a pardon from me too, if only for the 1st 2 albums.

As for that Primal Fear album, gee I can't wait to hear it. Or doesn't Ralf Scheepers know that with Halford back in Priest, there's not much reason for them to go on?

 

[J.]

Uh, I think I've heard some songs from Rakoth on various samplers and such.

 

[JayKeeley]

In my defence, I did say metal songs. I think Judas Priest even did a song called "Heavy Metal" on Ram it Up. or Down. One of those. It wasn't a good JP album.

Oh yeah! "Metal Militia" is forgivable.

Funny thing about Metal Church is how much they ripped off Metallica, in a good way. The most obvious thing though was that lead vocalist/guitarist hanging a Gibson Explorer down to his knees. That was a bit too much I thought. I mean, that's Hetfield room only.