In light of the recent Opeth lyrics thread.. Is this poem of mine good/bad?

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Fervisson

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Jun 10, 2002
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"A Dream Placed On Replay"

Naked feet on cold concrete
She walks these streets alone
The rocking chair was still in motion
When she returned home
The fireplace still warm with ashes
Time passes as she slowly fades
Back into the streets from which she came

Dusty door she knew so well
Dormit on return
A scent upon the air
Of photographs that burn

Did they mourn her leaving?
Did they sense her coming?
She left this place running
To find the abandoned
Their eyes connected
And as she awakened
To the day she ran away

A dream placed on replay

I don't think its great.. and now that I look back on it, I wouldn't even call it decent, heh. Anyway, I was just curious of what people thought I guess.
 
I was thinking about making a funny black metal song today too, by the way :lol:

"Computerioxthornacula Freezeioxthanotoprezutru"
Sacrificed life and forced to obey
Satan inside this 56k
Blessed black casket
In this life, I drown
Deny believers as taskbars shut down
Chorus:
Monitor binds me, fall to my feet
Blast beat, on Control - Alt - Delete

That is cult as hell, you better believe.
 
Originally posted by Static
I like it. If anythings its a bit flowery and overblown...but nonetheless for the style its in I think its pretty good.
Click to expand...

Well I'm a fan of Led Zeppelin and Genesis and stuff, so I don't really write your typical "The world is grey and life is lost" metal lyrics. Glad you don't think its terrible though, thanks! ;)
 
Some of those lines border on Opeth imitation, to be honest.

"Sensed her coming" is a rather blatant example.

It couldn't be bad if you could reinvigorate it a bit. The basis isn't bad (parts of it are rather evocative, by themselves), but the overall execution isn't really good.

In its simplicity, I like the burning photograph image you give.

Keep trying, man.
 
LedTool > quite a while ago, you pointed out that the link to my poetry site didn't work. Well, now you have the chance to check out my latest two "pieces"... in Chat/Off-topic at the end of the thread "Let's make up poetry!" (the thread is not too far away from the top right now) :)
 
Originally posted by Lakestream
LedTool > quite a while ago, you pointed out that the link to my poetry site didn't work. Well, now you have the chance to check out my latest two "pieces"... in Chat/Off-topic at the end of the thread "Let's make up poetry!" (the thread is not too far away from the top right now) :)
Click to expand...

Ah. I wasn't sure if you ever received the e-mail! :lol: I'll check it out now.
 
Well I guess it should be in the off topic section, but its not like its the only thread that does.

And I guess it does belong here since one guy said I blatantly ripped off Opeth :p

Seriously though, they're in my top 3 bands of all time, so they're inspiration is going to be pretty obvious in everything I write. I'm sure Opeth aren't the only band that has used "sensed her coming"ish lines though.
 
I don't see anything wrong with imitation. If your not consciously trying to copy something but it comes out sounding similar to something elses style...well, it doesn't make the piece of work redudant...it may have its own points that make it good.

As far as being like Opeth...theres nothing wrong with that...if its good, and Fervissons poem there ain't half bad in what its aiming for and achieving. Just so long as you don't try to make it sound exactly like Opeth.

Thats the difference between imitation and influence.
 
I agree fully. :D

Its just sometimes difficult to tell whether something is imitating or influenced. If an imitation is done really really well it could blur your interpretation of said negativity...
 
Yes, but if you know you have an influence, you should learn to revise yourself. Learning how to edit is part of improving.

For Fervisson's case, I actually thought the basis was good. It does however need editing. I don't know why anyone would see stating something is imperfect, but has potential, as insulting. :rolleyes:
 
Originally posted by Static
As I see it no one got insulted...I'm just discussing and Fervission didn't get angry..
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Well I'd get angry if there was reason for anger, but there's not so.. ;)

I see what you mean now about the Opeth presence in it though. It has a Still Life-ish feel, when the character is returning to the village, etc.

That wasn't intentional though. I've never tried to make anything I've written sound like anything but something I'M writing.

I would never try to imitate Opeth lyrics. If I wanted Opeth-like lyrics, I'd read Opeth's lyrics, ya know?
 
No cd, song, religion, painting, drawing, poem, or band can be perfect in my eyes. If someone made the perfect painting.. what would be the point of painting after that? I know some things are closer to perfection than others, and I'm sure I could make my poem closer to perfect by editing it, but it would take away from it in my opinion because I don't have the same feeling I did when I was writing it.
 
Originally posted by Fervisson
"A Dream Placed On Replay"

Naked feet on cold concrete
She walks these streets alone
The rocking chair was still in motion
When she returned home
The fireplace still warm with ashes
Time passes as she slowly fades
Back into the streets from which she came

Dusty door she knew so well
Dormit on return
A scent upon the air
Of photographs that burn

Did they mourn her leaving?
Did they sense her coming?
She left this place running
To find the abandoned
Their eyes connected
And as she awakened
To the day she ran away

A dream placed on replay

I don't think its great.. and now that I look back on it, I wouldn't even call it decent, heh. Anyway, I was just curious of what people thought I guess.
Click to expand...

Everytime I read my own written lyrics/poems I think they suck.
It's always like this and you did the right thing to post it here so you get another point of view on it and maybe ppl have a different opinions.

It was good btw!
 
Thanks Seventi ;)

That's brave of you having a Coldplay avatar in an Opeth forum :p

I hated that song "Yellow," but I heard a clip of "Politik" and its not too shabby.
 
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