ITT: you will write letters to santa as if you were 7

[The Dope]

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is for my daddy to come back and live with us again and for him to stop hitting mommy with his golf clubs and beating me with his belt and making me stay in the basement with the dogs when I'm bad. I think I have been very good this year, and I don't want any toys or anything, just for daddy to come back.

PS: I left you cookies and milk last year but my daddy got drunk and ate the cookies and knocked the glass of milk over, so I am sorry you did not get them, please don't hold it against me this year.

 

[Crunchy the Starfish Singalong]

Dear Santa,
I have been a good little echinoderm all year. All I want for christmas is an assortment of food. I eat things like these

and also these

I can't really leave any cookies and milk out because they will get soggy where I live.