This was ripped from the PC Deathsquad website . I thought it was a funny read and JLJ seems like good people anyways. This site has been real dead lately too so I figured it might liven it up a bit. http://www.pcdeathsquad.com/jlj.html
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Volume 2[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]You know I spend the better part of 40 hours a week cold chilling in my cubicle at work. My job is to foreclose on peoples houses who dont make their payments and then either sell them at auction or make them pay up to keep their houses. Its pretty much scumbag work but the people I work with are chill and I get paid ok. They dont mind my tattoos and I can
bebop around the office and do whatever I want because I get my work done. In fact Im actually writing this as we speak as a customer sits on hold awaiting their
fate....[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Meanwhile the Deathsquad merch emails and orders have piled up to like 3 things and I know Ive hella lagged because I actually feel bad they havent gone out and because I have very little free time between 8 and 5 when the Post Office is open, I have to use my little slice of sanity , my little slice of heaven called my fucking lunch break to head down to the Post Office. As a thrash legend, let me tell you going to the post office is not only bad enough but having to deal with normal non thrash people and answer questions and stand in line is pretty much equivalent to eternal
damnation. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Im pretty sure that everyone from Europe who orders our records has a consonant to vowel ratio in their name at like 20 to 1 and after not only filling out the envelope but then also the customs form to Drkzistoghervv9 Ghzuxbghyngwqzxd at that point I hate myself for not thrashing hard enough to have someone like a Metal Blade or Combat to be doing our mailing for us. Im already in the post office for 5 minutes and some faggot with a Yankee hat and his 90 year old father are standing in front of me and all of a sudden their droning conversation about nothing has evolved
into an all out tattoo conversation. Their opinions, their likes, lots of head shaking and all because my fat fucking ass was standing behind them. Its one thing to wear a yankees hat, its another thing to wear sunglasses inside. Larry David once said, "Only two people wear sunglasses inside, Blind People and Assholes" and you best believe this douche was a-hole
supremo. Beyond the obvious, fuck him and his John Wooden look alike skelaton of a father he was dragging around with him and on top of that fuck his haircut, imagine the actor who played The Greatest American
Hero. You know what, suddenly Im up on top of the world and I wish I could take a shit on you. Believe that. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As I wait further, shifting my weight from side to side in my usually ADD Driven inability to stand still in public, I have to endure a woman who was trying to mail what appeared to be a used library book in a colored paper bag and do it priority mail. The Post Office dude was not having it and told her she needed a real deal envelope and she went into flip out mode,
ranting and raving about what the fuck ever and all the while Im wondering to myself why someone would leave the house wearing a Cliff Huxtable Cosby Sweater, turquoise spandex shorts and pink slip on aqua socks. Does no one own a mirror? I mean what the fuck, the only way to describe the rats nest on top of her head would be to direct your attention to the TV Show "Alice" and remember back how Flo looked. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I finally motivate my fat ass up to the counter to be greeted by some fat albino whale who is beyond enthused that Im mailing out shit. First of all why the fuck would the post office hire anyone thats cross eyed? Ill tell you one thing as the hiring manager, I honestly wouldnt give a fuck if the mail was misrouted because people couldnt see but when they went postal
they were also out of shape and a bad shot to boot. The last thing i would want is for some jacked up black dude with a chip on his shoulder putting my staff on blast because we ran out of Kwanza Stamps or I had to write him up for wearing Purple the day after Easter. Just saying.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So at this point I have to state that what Im mailing is not perishable, hazardous blah blah blah I stop paying attention. I pay as much attention as I do during the pre flight checklist on what to do if the plane fucks up. Unlike the stewardesses I would not be caught dead checking out this post office bitches fat mammogram targets. I tell her they are cds and then I have to explain that Im in a band. I cant even say Metal band, or thrash band or crossover sensation. This bitch is so beyond it that I could only say "Rock" band just to get the conversation to the point where I whip out the debit card and go further into PCDS Debt. Its at this point where my day goes extremely fucking wrong. She informs me that she has
written a rock song for her church and is looking for a singer to perform this song and get it recorded and beyond that has the nerve to ask the Icon if Im down to rock for the Lord. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Now I love Jesus as much as the next guy but unless this bitch is going to kick down some big league skrill my way there is no way Im showing up anywhere aslead guy in her last chance at bro-ing down with the youth. Maybe if the song were good. Maybe if I was joining the dudes from Tourniquet or Vengeance Rising, but no this woman spent 3 full minutes, 3 FULL MINUTES. Going over how the drums would go...how the riff would go and on top of that she had one vocal line worked out Which was "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus is Lord" Mind you, when it comes to religion do what you want but when it comes to writing inspiration lyrics do not steal Queens We will Rock You as your vocal line. I swear even the promise keepers upon hearing this wouldve banged their whole neighborhood and beat
their kids out of sheer love of the devil and I was not going to be a part of it. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Fifteen minutes and $10.58 have passed and Im finally out of there. I have to race back to my building to cook my Healthy Choice Microwavable meal and house it before I have to go back to work. I dont know where you work, but the Asians here love to cook fish in the microwave and I like the fish sticks as much as the next guy but come on the searing mahi mahi they caught that morning off the Ocean Beach Pier with garlic like they are the Iron Chef. Now the whole kitchen at work smells like garbage can at Planned Parenthood and I have no time to nuke the meal. In a
rush I go right for the dessert which is a nice Cherry Cobbler only to burn my mouth and now as I type this Ive worn the skin down so a piece small enough to bother me but not big enough to tear off. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing really but it involves an hour of my dull life as a retarded thrash icon and for that Im thankful Jesus loves me enough to
save me from myself.
[/FONT]
I stumble around my apartment trying to put together coherent thoughts or lay out a plan for my day but its just one big ADD cloud of clusterfucked idiotic ideas and my brain figuring out which part of my body hurts the worst. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I have to hit up the java and get my caffeine on or I'm pretty much going to be rendered useless like a florida teacher in a middle school abstinence class...Coffee may be the greatest beverage on earth and I dont know about you but I like my coffee heavy on the cream and sugar. At the JLJ Household, the wife and I call it "Halle Berry's Butthole".
Not that I've seen Halle Berry's purple starfish but I imagine its rich and creamy and thats how I want my coffee, the only difference is that David Justice's cock has been nowhere near my mug. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I had all the plans in the world of going to work on saturday morning and getting some extra shit done and try to make more money but my head was pounding worse than a headboard at a Motel 6. Four advil later and with a shrug and all my energy I find myself on the couch watching The Manchurian Candidate with that one guy who was in Ricochet. Remember when Denzel was on that show St Elsewhere on NBC, saving lives and shit and filling in the hospital Token Black guy doctor role. The worst part of that show is that the actor who played Coolidge from The White Shadow was a janitor and that was a fucking shame. That fool ran the offense at Carver Highschool and along with Thorpe, Salami and Reese were the dominant players for Ken Reeve's squad.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I was totally going to rub one out and start my day but on the playboy channel some chicks were doing a lesbo action thing but it was shot at an outside location and for some reason I cant get into any kind of porn that deals with being outside. Weird right, almost gay in a way if you ask me, but I just dont find anyting going on in the forest or on a tennis court or in the backyard of a Hollywood Mansion cool. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I actually had plans for today...I was going to meet up with Danno Thrashteenez to go to Guitar Center to look for some bass gear. Let me pre-empt this rant by letting everyone know that Guitar Center is a fucking cesspool of talentless hack fuck losers, retards, aging nobodys and weekend heroes blowing their kids college funds on their own mid life crisis dreams of rocking out. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Needless to say Im really no different than these losers other than that I know what Im getting into when I go there and I just cant escape. Inevitable some Bro-heim flat billed Stussie Hat douche is asking me about my "Sick Tats" and wanting to know where I can send him to get some Tribals...(I wish there was a place I could send to be ass raped for asking stupid questions) . I wandered into the bass section and in the far corner are two dudes, 1 guy is playing some farty sounding japanese knockoff of a Fender Squire Bass, Im pretty sure he playing Smoke on the Water on bass, Im not sure really, it was one big sonic mess of bullshit and my mood was instantly ruined for the whole day. To make matters worse, his loser buddy is behind him nodding like was watching Les Claypool play Flight of the Bumblebee on a banjo. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Within minutes the sales guy is upon us and trying to jam every piece of overpriced and underperforming gear down our throats. Just what I need, a guy who is one step above the Drive Through Guy at In and Out giving me gear knowledge. As a Thrash Legend Im officially fucking offended that this douche is even talking to me. So I have the amp cranked as loud as itll go, only to be told we have to turn it down, Im pretty sure the 3 kids in ICP Velvet Shirts and dreadlocks all playing Crazy Train on their Kerry King Signature Flying V with sick tribal logos were having a hard time holding down their rythms. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]What the fuck is it about guitar center where everytime you go you are guaranteed to see the following: 2 of the black sales guys will have Dreadlocks, one will work in the DJ Section and the other will work in the drum section. Im pretty sure corporate realized they have to separate their african american co workers to cut down on shit being stolen or any Kool and The Gang Tribute Bands to be started during another weekend blow out sale. You are also guaranteed to see atleast 3 white guys with pony tails and wearing those button up shirts with Fender Guitars on them, Hot Sauces, Palm Trees or anything else Douchey these 40 + year old has beens can come up with.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Holding it down as well youll find the alternative make up wearing dudes with those zipper pants and greasy dyed black hair walking around looking sad and trying to convince people they really need to spend the extra $11.99 on the guitar stand to go with their bundled package that comes with shitty guitar, shitty strap, shitty amp and shitty chord. Sadly enough everyone there is trying to bro-down with you, be it the dudes who are jamming shitty classic rock who are now playing Seek and Destroy because they want you to know they are down with the Metal or the 2 hippies forming a drum circle in the acoustic room while their 4 friends play hackey sack.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The only thing in my opinion Guitar Center should sell is AZT because that place is full of AIDS and youre done for the second you hit that door. The only saving grace is that if you have the money and you really want to buy something decent you can run the sales dorks ragged making them get you shit and moving stuff around to make it appear they are working and then at the point of sale, tell them the price is too high and you saw it on the internet cheaper and then they hemm and haw and finally hurry you out of the store because there is a 6 person family with a young girl singer and the father thinks shes the next Selena so youll get moved along because they want to make a killing on morraca's, combo amps and congas.[/FONT]
http://www.pcdeathsquad.com/jlj.html
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Volume 2[/FONT]
bebop around the office and do whatever I want because I get my work done. In fact Im actually writing this as we speak as a customer sits on hold awaiting their
fate....[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Meanwhile the Deathsquad merch emails and orders have piled up to like 3 things and I know Ive hella lagged because I actually feel bad they havent gone out and because I have very little free time between 8 and 5 when the Post Office is open, I have to use my little slice of sanity , my little slice of heaven called my fucking lunch break to head down to the Post Office. As a thrash legend, let me tell you going to the post office is not only bad enough but having to deal with normal non thrash people and answer questions and stand in line is pretty much equivalent to eternal
damnation. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Im pretty sure that everyone from Europe who orders our records has a consonant to vowel ratio in their name at like 20 to 1 and after not only filling out the envelope but then also the customs form to Drkzistoghervv9 Ghzuxbghyngwqzxd at that point I hate myself for not thrashing hard enough to have someone like a Metal Blade or Combat to be doing our mailing for us. Im already in the post office for 5 minutes and some faggot with a Yankee hat and his 90 year old father are standing in front of me and all of a sudden their droning conversation about nothing has evolved
into an all out tattoo conversation. Their opinions, their likes, lots of head shaking and all because my fat fucking ass was standing behind them. Its one thing to wear a yankees hat, its another thing to wear sunglasses inside. Larry David once said, "Only two people wear sunglasses inside, Blind People and Assholes" and you best believe this douche was a-hole
supremo. Beyond the obvious, fuck him and his John Wooden look alike skelaton of a father he was dragging around with him and on top of that fuck his haircut, imagine the actor who played The Greatest American
Hero. You know what, suddenly Im up on top of the world and I wish I could take a shit on you. Believe that. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]As I wait further, shifting my weight from side to side in my usually ADD Driven inability to stand still in public, I have to endure a woman who was trying to mail what appeared to be a used library book in a colored paper bag and do it priority mail. The Post Office dude was not having it and told her she needed a real deal envelope and she went into flip out mode,
ranting and raving about what the fuck ever and all the while Im wondering to myself why someone would leave the house wearing a Cliff Huxtable Cosby Sweater, turquoise spandex shorts and pink slip on aqua socks. Does no one own a mirror? I mean what the fuck, the only way to describe the rats nest on top of her head would be to direct your attention to the TV Show "Alice" and remember back how Flo looked. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I finally motivate my fat ass up to the counter to be greeted by some fat albino whale who is beyond enthused that Im mailing out shit. First of all why the fuck would the post office hire anyone thats cross eyed? Ill tell you one thing as the hiring manager, I honestly wouldnt give a fuck if the mail was misrouted because people couldnt see but when they went postal
they were also out of shape and a bad shot to boot. The last thing i would want is for some jacked up black dude with a chip on his shoulder putting my staff on blast because we ran out of Kwanza Stamps or I had to write him up for wearing Purple the day after Easter. Just saying.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So at this point I have to state that what Im mailing is not perishable, hazardous blah blah blah I stop paying attention. I pay as much attention as I do during the pre flight checklist on what to do if the plane fucks up. Unlike the stewardesses I would not be caught dead checking out this post office bitches fat mammogram targets. I tell her they are cds and then I have to explain that Im in a band. I cant even say Metal band, or thrash band or crossover sensation. This bitch is so beyond it that I could only say "Rock" band just to get the conversation to the point where I whip out the debit card and go further into PCDS Debt. Its at this point where my day goes extremely fucking wrong. She informs me that she has
written a rock song for her church and is looking for a singer to perform this song and get it recorded and beyond that has the nerve to ask the Icon if Im down to rock for the Lord. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Now I love Jesus as much as the next guy but unless this bitch is going to kick down some big league skrill my way there is no way Im showing up anywhere aslead guy in her last chance at bro-ing down with the youth. Maybe if the song were good. Maybe if I was joining the dudes from Tourniquet or Vengeance Rising, but no this woman spent 3 full minutes, 3 FULL MINUTES. Going over how the drums would go...how the riff would go and on top of that she had one vocal line worked out Which was "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus is Lord" Mind you, when it comes to religion do what you want but when it comes to writing inspiration lyrics do not steal Queens We will Rock You as your vocal line. I swear even the promise keepers upon hearing this wouldve banged their whole neighborhood and beat
their kids out of sheer love of the devil and I was not going to be a part of it. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Fifteen minutes and $10.58 have passed and Im finally out of there. I have to race back to my building to cook my Healthy Choice Microwavable meal and house it before I have to go back to work. I dont know where you work, but the Asians here love to cook fish in the microwave and I like the fish sticks as much as the next guy but come on the searing mahi mahi they caught that morning off the Ocean Beach Pier with garlic like they are the Iron Chef. Now the whole kitchen at work smells like garbage can at Planned Parenthood and I have no time to nuke the meal. In a
rush I go right for the dessert which is a nice Cherry Cobbler only to burn my mouth and now as I type this Ive worn the skin down so a piece small enough to bother me but not big enough to tear off. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing really but it involves an hour of my dull life as a retarded thrash icon and for that Im thankful Jesus loves me enough to
save me from myself.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Volume 1[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Today began like every other day in my fat existence...I woke up hella early and my cats were fucking with me. They like to bite, cry and act like assholes in the morning so I will wake up and feed them.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I have to hit up the java and get my caffeine on or I'm pretty much going to be rendered useless like a florida teacher in a middle school abstinence class...Coffee may be the greatest beverage on earth and I dont know about you but I like my coffee heavy on the cream and sugar. At the JLJ Household, the wife and I call it "Halle Berry's Butthole".
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I had all the plans in the world of going to work on saturday morning and getting some extra shit done and try to make more money but my head was pounding worse than a headboard at a Motel 6. Four advil later and with a shrug and all my energy I find myself on the couch watching The Manchurian Candidate with that one guy who was in Ricochet. Remember when Denzel was on that show St Elsewhere on NBC, saving lives and shit and filling in the hospital Token Black guy doctor role. The worst part of that show is that the actor who played Coolidge from The White Shadow was a janitor and that was a fucking shame. That fool ran the offense at Carver Highschool and along with Thorpe, Salami and Reese were the dominant players for Ken Reeve's squad.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I was totally going to rub one out and start my day but on the playboy channel some chicks were doing a lesbo action thing but it was shot at an outside location and for some reason I cant get into any kind of porn that deals with being outside. Weird right, almost gay in a way if you ask me, but I just dont find anyting going on in the forest or on a tennis court or in the backyard of a Hollywood Mansion cool. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I actually had plans for today...I was going to meet up with Danno Thrashteenez to go to Guitar Center to look for some bass gear. Let me pre-empt this rant by letting everyone know that Guitar Center is a fucking cesspool of talentless hack fuck losers, retards, aging nobodys and weekend heroes blowing their kids college funds on their own mid life crisis dreams of rocking out. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Needless to say Im really no different than these losers other than that I know what Im getting into when I go there and I just cant escape. Inevitable some Bro-heim flat billed Stussie Hat douche is asking me about my "Sick Tats" and wanting to know where I can send him to get some Tribals...(I wish there was a place I could send to be ass raped for asking stupid questions) . I wandered into the bass section and in the far corner are two dudes, 1 guy is playing some farty sounding japanese knockoff of a Fender Squire Bass, Im pretty sure he playing Smoke on the Water on bass, Im not sure really, it was one big sonic mess of bullshit and my mood was instantly ruined for the whole day. To make matters worse, his loser buddy is behind him nodding like was watching Les Claypool play Flight of the Bumblebee on a banjo. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Within minutes the sales guy is upon us and trying to jam every piece of overpriced and underperforming gear down our throats. Just what I need, a guy who is one step above the Drive Through Guy at In and Out giving me gear knowledge. As a Thrash Legend Im officially fucking offended that this douche is even talking to me. So I have the amp cranked as loud as itll go, only to be told we have to turn it down, Im pretty sure the 3 kids in ICP Velvet Shirts and dreadlocks all playing Crazy Train on their Kerry King Signature Flying V with sick tribal logos were having a hard time holding down their rythms. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]What the fuck is it about guitar center where everytime you go you are guaranteed to see the following: 2 of the black sales guys will have Dreadlocks, one will work in the DJ Section and the other will work in the drum section. Im pretty sure corporate realized they have to separate their african american co workers to cut down on shit being stolen or any Kool and The Gang Tribute Bands to be started during another weekend blow out sale. You are also guaranteed to see atleast 3 white guys with pony tails and wearing those button up shirts with Fender Guitars on them, Hot Sauces, Palm Trees or anything else Douchey these 40 + year old has beens can come up with.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Holding it down as well youll find the alternative make up wearing dudes with those zipper pants and greasy dyed black hair walking around looking sad and trying to convince people they really need to spend the extra $11.99 on the guitar stand to go with their bundled package that comes with shitty guitar, shitty strap, shitty amp and shitty chord. Sadly enough everyone there is trying to bro-down with you, be it the dudes who are jamming shitty classic rock who are now playing Seek and Destroy because they want you to know they are down with the Metal or the 2 hippies forming a drum circle in the acoustic room while their 4 friends play hackey sack.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The only thing in my opinion Guitar Center should sell is AZT because that place is full of AIDS and youre done for the second you hit that door. The only saving grace is that if you have the money and you really want to buy something decent you can run the sales dorks ragged making them get you shit and moving stuff around to make it appear they are working and then at the point of sale, tell them the price is too high and you saw it on the internet cheaper and then they hemm and haw and finally hurry you out of the store because there is a 6 person family with a young girl singer and the father thinks shes the next Selena so youll get moved along because they want to make a killing on morraca's, combo amps and congas.[/FONT]
http://www.pcdeathsquad.com/jlj.html
