Kristiansen Lasse

[Berserk]

ACT III

Meet ColdDarkKarlsson!

So, as you all remember, our heroes have travelled through the cold dark northern woods and saw some building on the top of the mountain, but suddenly they heard a strange noise... They started looking around but saw nothing. And later they saw something big, that was flying to them!

H: Oh hells, what's that again? Helicopter?
B: I think that it is a dragon, let's kill him. (starts biting him oun hand to recieve berzerk rage and fury) Arrghhh, come on, dragon!

Face to face,
one on one,
I shall slay you,
Thy'll be done!

S: Hmm, nope! Dragons don't make such terrible noise and don't spread fuel smell miles around! It's something mechanical, maybe evil cyborg-killer from other dimension! Anyway, we shoud be ready. Takes his axe
The strange object gets closer and closer and they see, that it's a huge man with a propeller on his back.
H: Seems like I've read about this guy...
Then they hear the voice:
YOU WALK THE COLD DARK NORTHERN WOOD, SO THAT MEANS, THAT IT'S MY WOOD. Guess WHO I am?
B, H, S: COLDDARKNORD!!!
Propellerman: Hahaha!! Wrong!! I'm ColdDarkKarlsson, the keeper of this wood. What brought you here?
H: Do you see me?
CDK: Oh, shit. uke: What an ugly, disgasting person!!!
H: Yeah, an evil arabian wizard Al Rusty Met has cursed me!!
CDK: Well, then you'll need help. Take this propellers and fly to the castle on the top of that mountain, you'll find someone who can help there!
He casts a spell and three propellers appear.
S: No, I don't need that, I'll use teleportation. For the one, who is familiar with the fifth dimension, that's quite easy.
Disappears in a flash of light
H: I'm so tired of those damn flashes. I must have taken the sunglasses...
The others take on the propellers and fly away.
CDK: Goodbye, piskas! Good luck to you, elkfuckers!

So, our heroes have reached the grim castle and met Sonm, who was already there.
S: I have scouted the area, while you where kicking your lazy asses here. There is an inscription on the gates of the castle, and you know, what that is?
H, B: Hmmm...
S: Go and look yourself!
They come to the gate and see the grim sign - DIMMU BORGIR..
Suddenly the door opens by it's own will and the the travellers enter...

END OF ACT III.

 

[Berserk]

Maybe VERY limited... Buklet printed on my own printer and the CD will be Verbatim CD-R, recorded exclusively by Omin himself.. I'm sure, that it will include a special bonus track 'Bliahuytevgorlobelomorasvodkoydayzakurit'chtoli'

 

[Berserk]

Originally posted by Hearse
'Bliahuytevgorlobelomorasvodkoydayzakurit'chtoli' Translation for ignorant ones.
"Blind guy Tevgor lobs moras vodka Yer days are in Cthulu"

To tell the truth is translates to English as: 'Fuck, dick to thy throat, give me to smoke cigarettes with vodka, please'...

Originally posted by Hearse
Someone might see that rather "hard" maybe even senceless sentence, but after bottle of Vodka... it opens up like the heavens door. (Which maybe isnt far from the thrust if the Vodka is bought from Russians street market)

We don't buy vodka at markets! Only certifies pure products in supermarkets!

 

[ColdDarkNord]

LOL

 

[Rusty]

Come on bloke, finish the story off. :hotjump: And you really should put it in a limited edition Cd booklet.

 

[Berserk]

I surely will finish it... On Monday maybe, if I have time.

 

[Sonm]

The castle wasn't too bright as it was Dimmu Borgir. The walls sticking out the ground were covered with moss and lichens. Frowzy air of the inner chambers imply the absence of any movement during at least 10 passed years.
- Anybody?! - cried out Berserk being a bit scared.
- Bloody, bloody, bloody! - answerd the echo making him even more scared.
- Berserk - two thing! Shut up! - sayd Omin pursing his lips, - don't you know that in this castle a miracle may occur!
- For fuck's sake, what kind of miracle? I am bloody fed up with aaaaahhh - Berserk didn't finish
- That's what I mean! Now run if you care about your ass!!!
Yes... Unfortunately that plase was infested with TROBLINS who were spending their breeding season in there. Actually according to the Big Encyclopedia all Troblins become Feblins for their breeding time. Because of physical individuality they have no females and reproduce with a ventolatory method.
- Use a frying pan! Or something they can not penetrate you through! I know these morons!! All they need is... shite !! no not shite I mean they can not stand the liiiiiiight!!!!!
one hour later...
- Why the hell are we here?!
- You said we needed to enter!
- Me???
- Yes, you!!
- Exuse me! I thought you said that!!
- Hell no!!
And then Omin and Bererk looked at each other and cried out loud unanimously
- Where are those bastards Sonm and Hearse?!!! It seems that somebody is laughing out loud outside?!
to be continued by Berserk...

 

[Rusty]

Originally posted by Sonm
Actually according to the Big Encyclopedia

Haha, that's the funniest thing I've read all day.

 

[Berserk]

Sonm, you rule as usual!!

 

[Rusty]

Haha, I cast another wicked spell to turn this

into THIS!!!!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

 

[Berserk]

Oh, in the name of Nine Hells, what an unexpected turn of story line..

 

[Berserk]

Well, I think that we should finish this extraordinary story..

While Omin and Berserk were hiding of Feblins Troblins in the castle's dungeons, Sonm and Hearse were able to run outside the caslte..

'Feww... Seem's like we're safe for now', said Hearse.. Sonm has stared at him like this:
- What happened? Why are you looking at me just like I'm a vile terrible dragon? - asked Hearse.
- Look back and you'll know, - said a familiar voice behind him and then he laughed. ...

At the same time, Omin and berserk were walking the dangeons and tried to find a way out:
- Why the hell did you decide, that we need to go here?
- Me? It was your idea!
- Nope! Who offered to go right? Look, where we are now!
- Yes, I offered to go right, but you turned left for some reason! We could be free alredy if you have learned where right and left are in your childhood!
- Yeah, you said to go right, but pointed left! We'll see who doesn't know where right and left sides are!
- No way! It's...
- Look up, we're in a well!
They looked up and saw the small point of light on the top of a long stone tube with ladder..
- It's our path to the light - cried Berserk.
- I wouldn't have cried so loud if I were you, - sceptically answered Omin. - Troblins may hear us...
- Look, there's someone there!
- Yeah, it's a Troblin cooker, he's going to get water from the well..
- Let's hide while he hasn't niticed us and turned to Feblin.
- Wait, I have an idea..

Troblin, who suspected nothing was moving the barrel on the rope down into the well to get water. He heard a familiar sound when the barrel has touched water and some more unusual sounds and sarcastic whisper in the well 'Yeah, get in there.. Yeah, right into the barrel, quick.. I'll lock the barrel with that stick and when'l cry Now! you'll get it'.

But the Troblin was so stupid, that he didn't mention this. He waited some time to fill the whole barrel with water and started to pull. He pulled as usual, but nothing happened. He pulled srtonger, nothing again. Then he called Feblin and the tried to pull together. Nothing. Then Feblin called Dogling and they starder pulling together. The rope was tensioned so strong, that they could play A of 3-d octave if they had such a stupid idea.

And suddeny Troblin, Feblin and Doglind heard a loud cry 'Now!' from out of the well, and in the next moment the rope surrendered at last, so all this compeny fallerd to the ground. All they could do was to lie and watch two flying figures, who were launched from the well, flew thruogh the castles yard and disappeared somewhere beyond the walls. ...

... Hearse has turned around and saw... Yes, you guessed (or not, anyway. I don't care and will continue the story ), he saw Al Rusty Met, standing right before him and cruelly smiling.
- BWAHAHAHA! You again! Didn't you learn your lesson? I'm sorry, but I'have to punish you!

Abracedabramotherfuckingassholebecomemoreuglythanyouarenow! - he has said the spell and Hearse became the one you've already seen!!!

... What a fear, I cannot write anymore, let me leave for a while.. uke: uke: uke: Oh, salad! Well, that's much better! So, where did we stop? Ah...

Bye! - said Al Rusty Met, but terrible noise of a falling airplane filled the air and the evil arabian wizard was struck down onto the ground by Omin and Berserk, who falled on him... Well, I wounder how you'll feel being struck by 170 kg by the head!
It's not strange, that Al Rusty Met was down.. When he woke up, Omin held him and Sonm was trying to hold Berserk, who cried 'Let me kill him! I want his blood! I want his head! It was him, who trapped us with troblins, I saw him hiding there! Arrghhh, you evil bastard!!! '

- Well, I've got an idea, - said Hearse. - If he won't shapeshift me backwards, well' throw him into his own troblin's mound. Don't think they like such a cruel master. Maybe a fried one only...

- No, don't do that to me, - prayed Al Rusty Met! - I'll shapeshift him back!
- We cannot trust him, so we must use our magick! - said Omin. - Hold him, Berserk, and remember, if you'll kill him, Hearse will remain in shape of this ugly woman.
- Okay, - Berserk answered. He came to Al Rusty Met with a threat in his eyes, but even didn't strike him.

Sonm and Omin took snow into their hands and staryed a spell:

In time no hands to join again
And paths will lay apart in sleep
So dreamless, filled with icy wind
From somwhere, wouldn't like to know
Just smile and watch the storm advent...

Al Rusty Met was changing! His arabian beard became viking's and he became looking like viking...

- Oh, you saved me from the curse, that was put on me by EVIL YELDA himself for being too rude with him, but now I'm free! - cried out Al Rusty Met, who became RustyMetal again! - Thank you! But I've lost my arabian wizard's skill now...

They all looked at hearse! And - miracle - he was himself again! And looked at Sonm with anger:

- So, the Solstice spell has helped! I suspect that you knew it from the bginning!
- Yes, - answered Sonm. - It removes all the curses. But wouldn't be interesting to do that..
- Ahh, you asshole, let me get you! I was forsed to to stay so ugly because of your stupid jokes!!! - cried Hearse and ran to Sonm.. Sonm understood with his smart brain, that nothing good awaits for him untill Hearse will calm down, so he maid the only right decision - ran away..

Now we'll leave our heroes - running Sonm, than Hearse running behind him and crying differed uncensored words and then the others, running to stop the insane Finnish... And so they disappeared in the wood..

Well, I'm tired, that's the logical end of the stroy, but you may continue it, if ya wish! Damn, I'm tired!

 

[Rusty]

What a story!! This bit was funniest of all:

Originally posted by Berserk
The rope was tensioned so strong, that they could play A of 3-d octave if they had such a stupid idea.

 

[Berserk]

Well, my part is over for now and I may have some rest, but thet doesn't mean, that the story is absolutely over... Do you understand what I'm talking about?

 

[Rusty]

I understand, but I don't do stories. I'll let Lasse himself continue the tale...

 

[Berserk]

Originally posted by rustymetal
I understand, but I don't do stories. I'll let Lasse himself continue the tale...

I don't make stories, too.

 

[Berserk]

Originally posted by Hearse
And I am a living joke... so hmmm...

And I thought that you're a little fantasy, that is living in the wardrobe and smoking kalian..

 

[Anth]

WITH STRENGTH I BUUUUUUUUUUURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


BURN WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Sonm]

Don't fart too loud!

 

[Rusty]