STRATOVARIUS Elements Pt. 2
9- 50:42 Nuclear Blast
Powerless metal.What in the hell is Timo Tolkkis problem? I think the entire point of STRATOVARIUS (and all of Tolkkis work) lately is light over darkness, beauty over ugliness, victory over adversity. Unfortunately, for some reason, be it Tolkkis not-so-elegant mastery over the English language (or maybe its just plain old idiocy, I dont know) or his pretentious, overblown compositions, he comes across as the most emotionally fragile human being on Earth who desperately needs a hug from someone. Anyone. That in itself could make for extremely moving music in most cases, but not in Timos case. No, Timos complete want of everything to be all right and groundless claims of strength expose him to be a complete fruit loop and probably an herbosexual with the way he tries to tie his own self-help blatherings in with this whole Elements concept. Hes trying so hard to tell us hes not a frail little boy in songs titled I Walk To My Own Song, Im Still Alive, and Awaken the Giant that it seems hes protesting way too much, if you take my meaning. Again, an artist baring his soul can be cool, but in this case its comparable me making a cry for help about my weight by dropping my shorts and exposing a cottage cheese-textured ass. Its just repulsive and nobodys going to want to help, theyre just going to want to fucking kill me. And thats how I feel about Timo Tolkki while listening to STRATOVARIUS.
So who likes this kind of thing? Using undiscovered evidence, I have pieced together this bullshit re-enactment of a chance meeting between STRATOVARIUS fans. Lets listen in One STRATOVARIUS fan is walking down the street somewhere in Anytown, USA. He sees another man walking towards him on the sidewalk, wearing a shirt emblazoned with the comfortably familiar weeblo-adorned STRATOVARIUS logo on it. You like STRATOVARIUS? Yeah! You do too? Definitely! This is so cool, I never knew anyone around here liked them! Dude, this is too cool, want to come to my therapy group with me on Thursday?
Its Jörg Michael that I feel most sorry for. When listening to previous STRATO stuff, all Id ever heard from Jörg was RUNNING WILDs Black Hand Inn (highest recommendations for a power metal album, no shit), which is pretty cool stuff drummerifically, but hardly something to think world class talent from. Well after hearing some of his work with RAGE and MEKONG DELTA, Im officially sorry thats hes been recording with this band for seven years now. While I assume it is a paying gig, its got to be completely unfulfilling Not as unfulfilling as bassist Jari Kainulainen though, whos barely noticeable and hasnt even had his own solo album or resume of albums done with better bands.
Whats fun about STRATOVARIUS lately, and most telling, is that while the albums are more cheery brighto, Tolkki is completely losing it when it comes to the reality. Any negative words against Hymn to Life were considered attacks, to the point where Timo was going on the message boards of at least one webzine and blasting the writer for being unprofessional and threatening to never interview with detractors again (yeah, like someone whos been vomitized by Hymn to Life is going to want to shoot the shit with its creator anyway). Complete five year old stomping and crying kind of stuff! And then when he realized Elements I was leaked on the internet, he and Jens became Tactical Strike Force Alpha, posting maps of where downloads were coming from and threatening to not tour those territories, and then finally pouting as they posted some samples online. How anyone could do anything but laugh at them from that point on is beyond me.
Theres a reason theres a lot of personal attacks in reviews of Tolkkis work lately. People realize his work is very personal. People also realize it really, really sucks. And just like current travels up the stream of someone pissing on an electric fence, so does the ire of critics travel up the personal work to the person behind it. And when Timo throws tantrums about it, it just makes it that much more fun.
On the plus side, maybe this review will gain me another excellent reading recommendation from Jens. And for those of you complaining that this isnt a real review, just call it Seventh Coming of Fourth Dimension. The balladry is just awful beyond words, with Kotipelto sounding so inappropriate with that vibrato in these situations that I wish hed do a magic show with some white tigers real soon. The speedier tunes are just not very superior to things that bands like EDGUY or FREEDOM CALL are doing, and I cant think of a single song that made me go Well this isnt a complete waste over five listens. And its not like this band invented anything to be allowed to sit on its ass and milk it to eternity. To those that say I was already prepared to dislike this before listening to it, youre right. Elements I bored me. I was prepared to be bored again. But this is beyond boredom, its just sad. Not the atrocity against the ears that Hymn to Life was, but still, get this fucking thing out of my stereo.
And if Im giving Tolkki far more credit for the writing than is due, blame it on the wonderful record label information sheets they give which doesnt actually talk about the album at all, making it half as useful as a sheet of paper thats blank on both sides.
