Lyrics (Paul, can I get some tips?)

[Ozzloaf]

Hey,

I wrote this recently. I'm new to the whole lyrics thing so I'd really appreciate some tips! (Paul!!!)

Cessation

I take one step
And weigh the odds
Follow my prints
As I am lost
I’m lost within
This tainted, foul
Soliloquy

I’m sick of this
Of this madness,
And loneliness
Sick of this vile,
That bubbles from
This wretched and
Fetid miasma

I long for closure
For departure
From this twisted
And dismal world
I take this step
My final step
For cessation
​

Explanation:

"I take one step"

A man (the narrator) is walking towards the edge of a building, a bridge, or a cliff (... you get the point) in the final moments of his life.

"And weigh the odds"

He considers which is worse, to suffer more of life's hardships, or to have none yet never again feel the goodness of life.

"Follow my prints
As I am lost
I’m lost within
This tainted, foul
Soliloquy "

If written normally it would say, "I follow my footprints as I am lost within this tainted and foul soliloquy." It's a metaphor for life. His life is lost and life is the tainted soliloquy. A soliloquy is a monologue... or rather someone talking to themselves. So essentially, he is saying (metaphorically) that he is trapped within someones disturbed, mad uttering.

"I’m sick of this
Of this madness,
And loneliness"

... pretty self explanatory.

"Sick of this vile,
That bubbles from
This wretched and
Fetid miasma "

Would read, "I'm sick of this vile that bubbles from this wretched and fetid miasma." Another metaphor for his life. A miasma is a dangerous, foreboding, or deathlike influence or atmosphere. The word is often used to describe pollution. The filth that bubbles from the miasma (as I've heard it used as a simile in a book I read: "patches" of evil that come from the miasma like bubbles in a swamp.) is the negativity and evilness of life.

"I long for closure
For departure
From this twisted
And dismal world"

He wants to be rid of all of the negativity. He wants to die essentially ("For departure").

"I take this step
My final step
For cessation"

Cessation is an ending or stopping. He takes his final step... off of the building. And ends.

It's the first lyric I've written in about 3 years.

Jake

 

[Novembers Paul]

I'm not sure I'm the best person to give advice. I can only tell you my thought process when I write.

I use the verse as the story telling section. The chorus I try to write the lyrical "hook" that will hopefully stick in peoples head, something that sums up the song. What you have written is good. The best "advice" I can give is keep writing, as much as possible, and keep a thesaurus handy. That's it really, keep it up!

 

[metalprof]

I'm a complete ignoramus with respect to the creative side of music. But, my input (which you didn't ask for, but hey, you posted on a public forum ) is that it's hard to judge lyrics without hearing their interaction with the music.

Very poetic lyrics can be rendered useless if they're not a good match to the music behind them. Or, lyrics that are otherwise completely inane can become excellent lyrics when set well against their music.

Case in point: two weeks ago, I watched a recent REO Speedwagon concert on PBS's Soundstage. Now stop laughing. Yes, REO is old, and Kevin Cronin looks like a corpse raised from the dead by a necromancer, and sounds like a duck being strangled while he's singing. But as they played their old classics, I realized what makes some of their songs so damn good. The lyrics. No, they're not "poetry". But their tempo, rythym, and cadence within the music itself are exactly what makes REO songs memorable - listen to Time For Me To Fly to see what I mean. Triumph's Magic Power is another 80's classic that shows this; the words in that song simply -flow- within the music. Since this is the ND forum, I'll select Rain as a song where the lyrics fit very well into the music, but The Voice of Failure as one where I sense a bit of discord.

So having said all that, the only possibly useful thing I'll point out about your lines is that I was struck by the multiple uses of the word "this". It shows up a lot. Now, perhaps that will make perfect sense if that word serves as an "anchor" between the lyrics and the music. But if not, then it becomes one of those thing that - once noticed - could become an annoyance. At one point, "this - that - this" are the three words in a six word stretch. Once set to the music, it might work. Or not! It's hard to tell.

OK, my daugher's TV show is done, so I have to quit typing.

Cheers,

Ken

 

[DanLights]

Ken makes a point. Fit to the music it might work or It might hugely fail. I wont tell you a personal opinion since I already said it in the Katatonia thread, see you around