Metal Gods Bless Moron

hat tip to xfer from the KD board for finding this gem:
RED DEER -- The metal gods were smiling on Jesse Maggrah.
The 20-year-old man was walking beside railway tracks on Sunday, the Norwegian heavy metal band Gorgoroth cranked on his portable CD player, when he was hit by a freight train.


Maggrah said he did hear the blast of the train horn just before he was hit.
"I tried to jump out of the way, but I guess not in time," he said yesterday from his bed at Red Deer Regional Hospital Centre.

"It was just instant. I was just walking and then I was on the ground. I wasn't sure what happened. Then I saw the train stopping up ahead. I thought, 'Holy crap, dude, you just got hit by a train.' "

Police say the engineer and conductor on the northbound Canadian Pacific Railway train saw the man on the tracks several kilometres south of Red Deer. The crew blew the whistle and attempted to stop, but they were only able to slow the train to about 50 kmh before hitting him.

Maggrah was thrown four to five metres from the tracks. Stunned, he moved his arms and legs to check for damage.

"I knew I was alive, so that was good."

He has several broken ribs, one which is poking into a lung, his doctors have told him. Maggrah is also very sore and stiff, and is having trouble walking.

Maggrah said he didn't hear the train over his music and he didn't feel anything through the ground.

"Maybe the metal gods above were smiling on me and they didn't want one of their true warriors to die on them. Otherwise, I'd be up there in the kingdom of steel."

Police say no charges are pending against the man.
 
haha that happened around these parts.

I had to check in with a friend because that last statement about the kingdom of steel is totally something that he would say. Fortunately it wasn't him though.
 
woo, another winnar! My new hero!

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Meet Philip Winikoff. The 76-year-old Florida man was arrested this morning and charged with sexual battery after he posed as a doctor and went door-to-door--black doctor's bag in hand--offering women free breast exams.

According to a Broward County Sheriff's Office report, two women--ages 33 and 36--fell for the scam, which Winikoff allegedly ran in Lauderdale Lakes. Charged with several felonies, Winikoff was booked into the sheriff's lockup, where the mug shot was snapped.
 
Man Pleads No Contest To Forcing Running Showerhead In Woman's Mouth

A man accused of forcing a removable showerhead into his girlfriend's mouth and turning on the water pleaded no contest Wednesday to charges of false imprisonment and disorderly conduct.

As part of a plea agreement, a judge dismissed two felony charges of first-degree reckless endangerment and substantial battery against Delvin L. Debruin, 47, of Appleton.

The girlfriend had spent the night at Debruin's home in January but decided to leave around 5 a.m. because Debruin was acting strangely, according to the criminal complaint.

Before the 39-year-old Appleton woman could leave, Debruin dragged her into the bathroom shower and punched her in the face, the complaint said.
 
UM is shitting out more and more, I just got the first "problem with the database" msg since the upgrade, I think...


Wanted: One Virgin Bride

Virgins over the age of 24 need not apply.

Michael Thelemann, 45, of Bray, OK, has put a sign in his yard offering to pay $1,000 for a virgin bride between the ages of 12 and 24. His neighbors are none too pleased, with at least one saying she feels like she’s “living down the street from a pedophile.” Gee, I can’t imagine why she thinks that. Thelemann, on the other hand, just thinks his neighbors are “wicked.”

"I'm just somebody who is getting up there in years, and I'm looking for a born-again, God-fearing virgin between the ages of 12 and 24 who can bear me children," said Thelemann, who was divorced in 1989. "What's the problem? I just think I have some wicked neighbors."

Someone stole the sign, so Thelemann put up another one, adding he’s also not interested in a “pig-worshipping, heathen, white-supremacist wife.” Good to know.
 
Demonspell said:
""Maybe the metal gods above were smiling on me and they didn't want one of their true warriors to die on them. Otherwise, I'd be up there in the kingdom of steel."

If those had ended up being his last words, easiest Darwin award ever.

:lol: I seriously hope things go awry during his rehab.