O/T:Things You didn´t know You needed to know....

[Miltbrand]

Al Qaeda Initiation Rights

Recent US Intelligence sources have revealed that the recent all-star top-selling Boy Band Al Qaeda holds open auditions in the deserts of Somalia. You may know them from their all-time greatest hits such as "I'd Rather be a Taliban", and "I Left my Goat in Pakistan", and "I'll Smear my Guts on Your Windshield if You Give Me a Quarter".

Wannabes are required to:

1. Successfully seduce at least three goats - simutaneously - within a six-year probationary period. No terrorism activity is allowed until at least three goats have experienced simultaneous orgasms (but see Rite #3). Osama bin Laden, lead singer of the group, is especially well known for his sexual prowess with goats. It is rumored that he acquired all of his wealth by charging admission for his goat-fucking sessions. All Al Qaeda members aspire to his abilities. Blowing up a goat is allowed only after insemination, in which case the goat is known as a G-Bomb.
2. Lemmings are sometimes used to remove polyps from the colon of Al Qaeda initiates. The procedure involves smothering colonic polyps with peanut butter, and dangling popcorn from a string tied to the polyp. A similar procedure is used to remove hemorrhoids. This is the only form of health care offered to Al Qaeda members, and Medicare doesn't cover it.
3. Blowing one's self up, while alone, in the desert, with no one around, is perfectly fine and will guarantee instant membership in Al Qaeda. While Medicare doesn't cover this, either, virgin goats, lemmings and all the used peanut butter and popcorn you can eat in the after life is also guaranteed.

When asked about the reason why they call these "Rights" and not "Rites", US officials stated "What the hell is the difference? You actually CARE if they have Rights or Rites?"

Recent news from the border of Pakistan... Reports from the recently de-polyped Boy Band groupie... Al Qaeda has released a new hit single... "I Like it Chunky-Style". Available at pet stores and farms near you.

I´m sure "I'll Smear my Guts on Your Windshield if You Give Me a Quarter" is an instant hit!

 

[Arg_Hamster]

No info about his favorite goat Hfaiza?

 

[Miltbrand]

No...

But here´s some stuff You didn´t about Osama:

Osama bin Laden was born, unbeknownst to him, to a Jewish mother and Irish father in New York City. He later converted to Buddhism, but after too much acid settled on Islam.

Previous spokesperson for a well known anal probing fast food franchise, Osama found early fame as a Time Magazine centerfold, although a major scandal involving the Marx Brothers, Miles Davis and Halle Berry, forced him to turn to tourism to get his milk money. He met Evil Bert and gave him the Islamic name of Al Qaeda and formed a tourist network with him. This tourist network has been the prime target of the War on Tourism.

In 1958, Osama bin Laden began attending Hitler University, where he studied terrorism, nuclear physics, and the Toilet Paper Paradox. He got his doctorate in 1969, after several failures.

Using the spaceship technology held by the secretive Heffner Bunnies, Bin Laden went on to create a gigantic banana attraction, copies of which are still used today only in the 3 non-porno German theme parks known to exist outside of Germany.

Today, when not plotting plots at his evil fortress in Mount Terror, Osama spends most of his time playing golf on the notoriously difficult 18 hole underwater course in the Republic of Lee Kingdom. He is attempting to get his buddy Saddam Hussein out of jail so they can play a few rounds and "shoot the breeze" like they used to. He is also one of the top scientists in the Republic of Lee Kingdom, where he does nuclear weapons research.

During the 70's Bin Laden posed as the Pope making money for his evil plot of taking over Tim Hortons and making the doughnuts smaller. Slowly but surely Bin Laden and his "Partner" Danny Devito took over Tim Hortons and yes the doughnuts got a lot smaller. After the Tim Hortons incident Bin Laden was so ashamed of himself that he attempted suicide how ever this lead to the untimely death of pop superstar Shakira. Lately Bin Laden has said to be plotting to raise Warren Green from the dead and slowly build up their envelope licking booth chain.

 

[Arg_Hamster]

 

[Miltbrand]

Image hosted by Angelfire...? That´s a funny picture

 

[remington69]

I love the Uncyclopedia.

This has to be my favorite entry: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Kitten_huffing