Rusty Cooley to undergo surgery!

[Bryan316]

Source BBC: Rusty Cooley Undergoes Dramatic Surgery

American shred metal guitarist Rusty Cooley of the Texan band Outworld will be undergoing surgery this Monday, February 19th, to have a serious physical deficiency resolved.

"I'm sick of being limited by my abilities on guitar," says the well-respected fretboard wizard, "So I'm gonna have a few more fingers added to my hands." Doctors have assured Cooley that the revolutionary new procedure will guarantee him the ability to exceed the seemingly impossible barrier of 4 million notes per second, and will allow him to establish new records at least 150% higher than currently set.

"The last three times he held the record, he was stuck around 3.9 million. But this should all change that," said Shawn Kascak, fellow musician in Cooley's band. "I doubt that the new fingers will help him to drink and play on stage, but I suppose he'll just use that as an excuse to drink more at rehearsals. Most likely we'll need another fridge."

Outworld is currently rehearsing to break in newfound member and lead singer Carlos Zema. "Rusty just wants me to see our drummer explode trying to keep up. I'm not worried. Matt (McKenna) has a few fire extinguishers attached to various parts of his drumset. He'll just add more. It's all cool. Exploding drummers are all the rage lately, so we're just trying to keep up with the times."

When asked whether Cooley plans to exceed the thermal threshold of his percussionist, he simply stated, "I ain't got time to worry about that. I've got a million and a half more notes to get ready to play. If he starts whinin' about blowin' up, I'll just remind him that Thunder from Big Trouble in Little China can do it! Never tell a drummer that someone else is better than him at something. It drives them zonkers."

Cooley also believes that he can reach further rock and roll immortality, with the apparent side effects of having extra fingers.

"Imagine the arpeggios I'll be able to reach," says Cooley. "I'm not getting just any old fingers added, I'm getting more middle fingers! LONG ones! I'll hit stuff that Romeo guy could never reach! And the next time I see him, I'll REALLY flip him off!"

 

[King_of_Loss]

The link doesn't work for me.

 

[Cheiron]

Man the title made me nervous. Because I could swear that he had some injury in the past...

 

[FataMorgana]

Don't scare me like that!

 

[metropolisimages]

Haha... You got me!!!!

 

[sh0kr0k]

ROTFLOL!!!

Bryan, I gotta say, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! Thanks, man!

 

[Curufin]

I hope the surgery goes well for him... new procedures can always be pretty nerve-wracking. I'm sure it will be a breeze, though!

 

[monstershredder0003]

man,that shit scared me!

 

[Mustang]

dang dude, I was trying to figure out why I hadn't heard anything about this when I spoke with Bobby lol

 

[VenomGA]

ROTFF

 

[Bryan316]

I'm naughty.

I made sure to put the punchline deep into the post, to make sure y'all thought it was real, and really GITCHA.

I expect a T.P.ing and a swirlie when I get to my hotel in October... heh heh...

 

[sh0kr0k]

I'm naughty.

I made sure to put the punchline deep into the post, to make sure y'all thought it was real, and really GITCHA.

I expect a T.P.ing and a swirlie when I get to my hotel in October... heh heh...

Oh don't worry, we'll get you in Houston