Some primo info for holy grail tone!
EMG's versus passive pickups ( DiMarzio/Seymour Duncan, etc ). This debate will probably never be ended. Fortunately it doesn't have to end. I've found a solution. In short, they are both superior. Here's how that is possible. If you like either, stick with it and shut up. Opinions are like assholes and you are an asshole that no one wants to hear.
The ultimate out of this world tone. In a recent industrial accident I made an amazing discovery. I won't get into the details of the accident because it's a very long story and some of the people in it, as well as some animal rights groups, have forbade me to disclose some details. That said, I had no idea a jellyfish would do that. Anyway, here is the key to this magical tone. You'll have to cut a guitar cable in half so I'd start with a less expensive cable. Wire each half of the cable to the ends of a flourescent light bulb. I know it looks dumb but bear with me. Now plug in everything else as you normally would. The low power signal your pickups generate will cause a small reaction in the bulb. It may glow dimly but regardless it will be an immediate and unbelievable sound change. It'll sound like you're on Mercury. Appropriate since mercury is what makes the flourescent bulb work. I guarantee this will be a life-changing experience.
For the ultimate sustain, try polarized, left-handed strings. Much as water drains in certain dirrections in different hemispheres, strings vibrate differently in different hemispheres. Left-hand strings were designed for the left-handed players but manufacturers found out much by mistake that winding the strings backwards as required by left-handed players polarizes the strings with Earths gravity in the northern hemisphere and hence they vibrate almost endlessly.
Multi-amp rigs. Lately a lot of top players are pairing up amps with different personalities to get a broader tone. Like a Mesa Dual Recto and a Peavy 5150, a Krank Rev and a Engl Powerball, etc. Try this... Get 4 different heads. Make at least one of them a Crate, preferably solid state. You'll understand later. Now, wire your 4x12 cab with a seperate input for each head. That's right, each head will push it's own speaker. Dial in each amp as you would normally. One at a time with the others off. Don't worry if the Crate can't get a good sound, just get the best it can get out of it. Once you're happy as you can be with the sounds, turn it all off and run away to Serbia. You have officially crossed the 'I'm a gear afficionado' line and run full speed into 'I'm fucking guitarded!' territory. You should be shot but that's illegal. Now, as you're roaming the countryside in Serbia, watch out for landmines by the way, you'll be remorseful about all the money you spent on those amps. But, since you followed my advice and used that one Crate head, you'll have spent at least $1000 less on the whole setup and that money will have undoubtedly gotten you the plane ticket and passport you needed to get to Serbia.
Cure harsh digital tones from your Line6/Digitech/Boss amp simulator!! Here's a trick I use to get the best tone out of a digital modeller. Order 250-500 feet of guitar cable on a spool. The cheapest stuff seems to work best. Now get about 2 feet of perforated PVC pipe about 2 inches in diameter. Wrap the guitar cable around the PVC, put a lava lamp in the PVC pipe and wire the whole thing between your modeller and the recording input. You'll notice an instant improvement to the warmth of your tone. In recent experiments I've discovered that burying the assembly in a worm farm tank gives it the utmost in organic, earthy tones. Some people think there is a loss of high end or overall signal. That's just perception. In truth, the cable being coiled around the pipe creates an inductive field and actually makes the cable conduct the signal far better. If you made this device with high quality cable, the higher frequencies would in fact become unbearable.
I plug the cranked speaker out of Channel A on my Mesa 2:ninety into the Channel B input and I get MAD amp distortion that way. I use the channel A Volume knob as my gain knob. I don't even really own a Triaxis. I just do that with my power amp and it sounds like I do. The Triaxis in my gear pics is a decoy, faceplate only.
I wire my speaker backwards cause speakers hit harder and tighter that way. I also dump BB's into the speaker basket and when they rattle it gives you a nice harmonic overtone like a Trumpet.
Sometimes I put canned chunk light tuna ( in water, not oil ) in the control cavity of my guitar and pack it in and it gives me that Les Paul midrange thunk.
Wrapping your single coil pickups in aluminum foil and dipping them in wax, preferably a Pine scented wax of the Yankee Candle variety, you can achieve that Bob Dylan/John Denver tone. If you use Stargazer Lily, Sheer Gardenia or Honeydew Melon you can get that Purple Rain tone. Anything else will get you raped by gnomes the minute you are alone with your guitar in a dark room.
I make my own cables out of lamp cords too. The heavier wire is stronger and you get better stereo separation since the ground and signal wires are never that close. Ikea makes a damn fine lamp cord/guitar cable.
I have a special mod for my 2:ninety that has the power tubes sticking out about 6 inches and I made a special water-cooling system from an old 1 gallon fish tank and some anti-freeze so my tubes are 80% submerged at all times and I can get 800 watts out of them. One time, I plugged 8 x 1 ohm 4x12 cabs into my amp and blew all of them with my volume on 3. You can't touch this.
I pack the inside of my 4x12 cab with Styrofoam peanuts and it makes my cab 40% lighter since there's that much less air in it. If you caulk the seals, you can pressurize your cab with helium and you'll get Grail Tone automatically. Plus your cabinet will only weigh about 10 pounds.
If you put 2 x 12" speakers face to face with duct tape and run a Marshall head into them, they will react with each other in such a way that it's like having your own guitar-linked kick drum.
You can get the best tone and intonation by using a single 8 foot long guitar string and running it from low e tuner to low e saddle, then to the A saddle to the A tuner and so on. Having one giant string gives you unequaled sustain and better neck relief. I sell these 8 foot lifetime warranty strings for $100 each.
Don't believe the hype. All tubes <ARE> the same. If the shoe fits wear it. If the tube fits, use it. Old, new, small, large, 2 pin, 8 pin...
If you marry a black woman, your guitar tone will have better low end.
If you marry a white woman, better high end.
If you marry a Japanese woman you get hi-fi tone.
If you marry a latino woman your tone won't change but you'll find yourself involuntarily wearing your guitar slung below your belt.
If you marry a canadian, your tone will be cheaper and more generic but repairs will be cheaper.
If you marry a french woman, your sound will be dirtier with more gain and no real tone.
If you marry a german woman, your tone will be average but your gear will be flawless. Ok, I think you get the picture here...
Reebok shoes with the pump on the shoe give you better wah.
The bigger the hat you wear, the more treble you'll have.
If you wear bright yellow on stage, most people won't remember your tone, they'll just remember that f'n bright yellow shirt. Do this if you suck.
Spike studded leather wrist bands make your tone 30% heavier when tuned standard and 70% heavier when tuned below C.
Corpse paint and upside down crosses, when used in conjunction with the right incantations and aromatherapy can invoke the power of the dark one which will enable you to tune to Low E and play 128th notes as if you were a retard strumming an acoustic. I recommend scents/herbs from the Martha Stewart collection.
As obvious as it seems, most people don't realize that using coins as picks makes a huge difference in tone. Brian May seems to be the only famous player that recognizes this. Using an American quarter will get you very close to the Nickleback sound. Using a Spanish pesetas is akin to automatic Flamenco, even on a Les Paul. Unfortunately, one of my students discovered the hard way that using some African currencies only gets you the HIV tone which consists mainly of uncontrollable sobbing and sores.
Lots of people associate the Vox AC-30 as the amp with 'bark' to it and they even went so far as to call their speakers 'Bulldogs'. Part of their quest for the perfect speaker involved putting different breeds of dogs inside speaker cabinets and testing the effects. Obviously one breed in particular had the most favorable results. After much testing of my own I've determined that Labradors have more clarity and definition. They give your tone a certain sophistication. I keep 2-3 in my 4x12 at any given time. Sheep dogs and Great Pyrenees have an amazing effect on the sound that you Fuzz players will LOVE! The weight factor is a consideration so make sure you have roadies. That said, you must admit that the best tone often comes at a cost and a slightly heavier cab is hardly unbearable. Make sure you use fresh dogs, especially when recording, for the best tone. The animal shelter is full of them. Experiment with different breeds and sizes, puppies, old yellers, etc.
For the FATTEST WOMAN-TONE achievable ala Clapton, here's a trick you can do, literally and figuratively... Plug your guitar cable into the vag of a 400lb+ woman and then take an out from her brown cave and plug that into your amp. Roll up your volume carefully!! You can easily damage your amp or your ears. If she has eaten anything deep fried, Godflesh step aside. Crushing tone and punishing brewtalz will commence. For the best signal I'd recommend Speak-on connectors. A standard guitar plug has a tendency to slip out. Especially if she sneezes. If the woman used is less than 400lbs you can try to compensate for the reduced weight with a larger bust. Beware, you might need some extreme EQ to compensate for the frequency shift. As with any guitar, clothes on the woman will reduce sustain and top end. If she is naked you'll get the most transparent tone. A nice sheen of baby oil will give you that glassy high end Clapton always seemed to get.
Talent Compensator. You suck real bad. You have a gig. You're desperate to get out of the commitment without seeming like a pussy. The answer, dead skunks. Get about 6 of them, stuff them in your speaker cab and don't worry, the dogs you're using won't bother the skunks. As everyone is setting up their gear, strum lots of chords. The speakers will push the air out and in a remarkably short time, the place will reek. Everyone will run. You're now off the hook. As for the smelly guitar you're stuck with, just leave it at the bar. Go home, get a Playstation or X Box and get your Rockband on. You lcearly were not meant to play a real instrument in front of people so don't bother replacing your gear. For best results, taser as many people as you can on the way out. the bodies on the floor will lead many to believe a nerve gas attack was started and the Feds will be called in. Guaranteed the bar will be shutdown for months so no fear of rescheduling. Besides, they'll have confiscated your gear for investigation. If you're ever questioned about it, Billy did it. Just blame some stranger for setting you up. Preferably someone from a competing band. We know how viscious and juvenille those Battle of the Bands competitions are...
Tone schmone... Whoever said pedals suck tone from your signal never tried my techniques. A classic I've used for years in the studio is to run 6-8 Boss pedals of ANY type in series. One into the next like on a pedal board. Turn everything on every pedal all the way up. Now turn them all on. Now, as you strum notes, shut the fuck up. That wasn't the pedals ruining your tone after all. It was the sound of your own voice. Remember, next time you're trying to get a great tone just shut the fuck up.
EMG's versus passive pickups ( DiMarzio/Seymour Duncan, etc ). This debate will probably never be ended. Fortunately it doesn't have to end. I've found a solution. In short, they are both superior. Here's how that is possible. If you like either, stick with it and shut up. Opinions are like assholes and you are an asshole that no one wants to hear.
The ultimate out of this world tone. In a recent industrial accident I made an amazing discovery. I won't get into the details of the accident because it's a very long story and some of the people in it, as well as some animal rights groups, have forbade me to disclose some details. That said, I had no idea a jellyfish would do that. Anyway, here is the key to this magical tone. You'll have to cut a guitar cable in half so I'd start with a less expensive cable. Wire each half of the cable to the ends of a flourescent light bulb. I know it looks dumb but bear with me. Now plug in everything else as you normally would. The low power signal your pickups generate will cause a small reaction in the bulb. It may glow dimly but regardless it will be an immediate and unbelievable sound change. It'll sound like you're on Mercury. Appropriate since mercury is what makes the flourescent bulb work. I guarantee this will be a life-changing experience.
For the ultimate sustain, try polarized, left-handed strings. Much as water drains in certain dirrections in different hemispheres, strings vibrate differently in different hemispheres. Left-hand strings were designed for the left-handed players but manufacturers found out much by mistake that winding the strings backwards as required by left-handed players polarizes the strings with Earths gravity in the northern hemisphere and hence they vibrate almost endlessly.
Multi-amp rigs. Lately a lot of top players are pairing up amps with different personalities to get a broader tone. Like a Mesa Dual Recto and a Peavy 5150, a Krank Rev and a Engl Powerball, etc. Try this... Get 4 different heads. Make at least one of them a Crate, preferably solid state. You'll understand later. Now, wire your 4x12 cab with a seperate input for each head. That's right, each head will push it's own speaker. Dial in each amp as you would normally. One at a time with the others off. Don't worry if the Crate can't get a good sound, just get the best it can get out of it. Once you're happy as you can be with the sounds, turn it all off and run away to Serbia. You have officially crossed the 'I'm a gear afficionado' line and run full speed into 'I'm fucking guitarded!' territory. You should be shot but that's illegal. Now, as you're roaming the countryside in Serbia, watch out for landmines by the way, you'll be remorseful about all the money you spent on those amps. But, since you followed my advice and used that one Crate head, you'll have spent at least $1000 less on the whole setup and that money will have undoubtedly gotten you the plane ticket and passport you needed to get to Serbia.
Cure harsh digital tones from your Line6/Digitech/Boss amp simulator!! Here's a trick I use to get the best tone out of a digital modeller. Order 250-500 feet of guitar cable on a spool. The cheapest stuff seems to work best. Now get about 2 feet of perforated PVC pipe about 2 inches in diameter. Wrap the guitar cable around the PVC, put a lava lamp in the PVC pipe and wire the whole thing between your modeller and the recording input. You'll notice an instant improvement to the warmth of your tone. In recent experiments I've discovered that burying the assembly in a worm farm tank gives it the utmost in organic, earthy tones. Some people think there is a loss of high end or overall signal. That's just perception. In truth, the cable being coiled around the pipe creates an inductive field and actually makes the cable conduct the signal far better. If you made this device with high quality cable, the higher frequencies would in fact become unbearable.
I plug the cranked speaker out of Channel A on my Mesa 2:ninety into the Channel B input and I get MAD amp distortion that way. I use the channel A Volume knob as my gain knob. I don't even really own a Triaxis. I just do that with my power amp and it sounds like I do. The Triaxis in my gear pics is a decoy, faceplate only.
I wire my speaker backwards cause speakers hit harder and tighter that way. I also dump BB's into the speaker basket and when they rattle it gives you a nice harmonic overtone like a Trumpet.
Sometimes I put canned chunk light tuna ( in water, not oil ) in the control cavity of my guitar and pack it in and it gives me that Les Paul midrange thunk.
Wrapping your single coil pickups in aluminum foil and dipping them in wax, preferably a Pine scented wax of the Yankee Candle variety, you can achieve that Bob Dylan/John Denver tone. If you use Stargazer Lily, Sheer Gardenia or Honeydew Melon you can get that Purple Rain tone. Anything else will get you raped by gnomes the minute you are alone with your guitar in a dark room.
I make my own cables out of lamp cords too. The heavier wire is stronger and you get better stereo separation since the ground and signal wires are never that close. Ikea makes a damn fine lamp cord/guitar cable.
I have a special mod for my 2:ninety that has the power tubes sticking out about 6 inches and I made a special water-cooling system from an old 1 gallon fish tank and some anti-freeze so my tubes are 80% submerged at all times and I can get 800 watts out of them. One time, I plugged 8 x 1 ohm 4x12 cabs into my amp and blew all of them with my volume on 3. You can't touch this.
I pack the inside of my 4x12 cab with Styrofoam peanuts and it makes my cab 40% lighter since there's that much less air in it. If you caulk the seals, you can pressurize your cab with helium and you'll get Grail Tone automatically. Plus your cabinet will only weigh about 10 pounds.
If you put 2 x 12" speakers face to face with duct tape and run a Marshall head into them, they will react with each other in such a way that it's like having your own guitar-linked kick drum.
You can get the best tone and intonation by using a single 8 foot long guitar string and running it from low e tuner to low e saddle, then to the A saddle to the A tuner and so on. Having one giant string gives you unequaled sustain and better neck relief. I sell these 8 foot lifetime warranty strings for $100 each.
Don't believe the hype. All tubes <ARE> the same. If the shoe fits wear it. If the tube fits, use it. Old, new, small, large, 2 pin, 8 pin...
If you marry a black woman, your guitar tone will have better low end.
If you marry a white woman, better high end.
If you marry a Japanese woman you get hi-fi tone.
If you marry a latino woman your tone won't change but you'll find yourself involuntarily wearing your guitar slung below your belt.
If you marry a canadian, your tone will be cheaper and more generic but repairs will be cheaper.
If you marry a french woman, your sound will be dirtier with more gain and no real tone.
If you marry a german woman, your tone will be average but your gear will be flawless. Ok, I think you get the picture here...
Reebok shoes with the pump on the shoe give you better wah.
The bigger the hat you wear, the more treble you'll have.
If you wear bright yellow on stage, most people won't remember your tone, they'll just remember that f'n bright yellow shirt. Do this if you suck.
Spike studded leather wrist bands make your tone 30% heavier when tuned standard and 70% heavier when tuned below C.
Corpse paint and upside down crosses, when used in conjunction with the right incantations and aromatherapy can invoke the power of the dark one which will enable you to tune to Low E and play 128th notes as if you were a retard strumming an acoustic. I recommend scents/herbs from the Martha Stewart collection.
As obvious as it seems, most people don't realize that using coins as picks makes a huge difference in tone. Brian May seems to be the only famous player that recognizes this. Using an American quarter will get you very close to the Nickleback sound. Using a Spanish pesetas is akin to automatic Flamenco, even on a Les Paul. Unfortunately, one of my students discovered the hard way that using some African currencies only gets you the HIV tone which consists mainly of uncontrollable sobbing and sores.
Lots of people associate the Vox AC-30 as the amp with 'bark' to it and they even went so far as to call their speakers 'Bulldogs'. Part of their quest for the perfect speaker involved putting different breeds of dogs inside speaker cabinets and testing the effects. Obviously one breed in particular had the most favorable results. After much testing of my own I've determined that Labradors have more clarity and definition. They give your tone a certain sophistication. I keep 2-3 in my 4x12 at any given time. Sheep dogs and Great Pyrenees have an amazing effect on the sound that you Fuzz players will LOVE! The weight factor is a consideration so make sure you have roadies. That said, you must admit that the best tone often comes at a cost and a slightly heavier cab is hardly unbearable. Make sure you use fresh dogs, especially when recording, for the best tone. The animal shelter is full of them. Experiment with different breeds and sizes, puppies, old yellers, etc.
For the FATTEST WOMAN-TONE achievable ala Clapton, here's a trick you can do, literally and figuratively... Plug your guitar cable into the vag of a 400lb+ woman and then take an out from her brown cave and plug that into your amp. Roll up your volume carefully!! You can easily damage your amp or your ears. If she has eaten anything deep fried, Godflesh step aside. Crushing tone and punishing brewtalz will commence. For the best signal I'd recommend Speak-on connectors. A standard guitar plug has a tendency to slip out. Especially if she sneezes. If the woman used is less than 400lbs you can try to compensate for the reduced weight with a larger bust. Beware, you might need some extreme EQ to compensate for the frequency shift. As with any guitar, clothes on the woman will reduce sustain and top end. If she is naked you'll get the most transparent tone. A nice sheen of baby oil will give you that glassy high end Clapton always seemed to get.
Talent Compensator. You suck real bad. You have a gig. You're desperate to get out of the commitment without seeming like a pussy. The answer, dead skunks. Get about 6 of them, stuff them in your speaker cab and don't worry, the dogs you're using won't bother the skunks. As everyone is setting up their gear, strum lots of chords. The speakers will push the air out and in a remarkably short time, the place will reek. Everyone will run. You're now off the hook. As for the smelly guitar you're stuck with, just leave it at the bar. Go home, get a Playstation or X Box and get your Rockband on. You lcearly were not meant to play a real instrument in front of people so don't bother replacing your gear. For best results, taser as many people as you can on the way out. the bodies on the floor will lead many to believe a nerve gas attack was started and the Feds will be called in. Guaranteed the bar will be shutdown for months so no fear of rescheduling. Besides, they'll have confiscated your gear for investigation. If you're ever questioned about it, Billy did it. Just blame some stranger for setting you up. Preferably someone from a competing band. We know how viscious and juvenille those Battle of the Bands competitions are...
Tone schmone... Whoever said pedals suck tone from your signal never tried my techniques. A classic I've used for years in the studio is to run 6-8 Boss pedals of ANY type in series. One into the next like on a pedal board. Turn everything on every pedal all the way up. Now turn them all on. Now, as you strum notes, shut the fuck up. That wasn't the pedals ruining your tone after all. It was the sound of your own voice. Remember, next time you're trying to get a great tone just shut the fuck up.
