TOP 9 SEX JOKES
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She
replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
********************************************************
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let
me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6
shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
*********************************************************
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange
brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penis and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
***********************************************************
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to
sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have
a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
************************************************************
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few
weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I
told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I
did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,
Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
**************************************************************
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been
in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to
rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On
doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests
he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and
this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that
the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man
to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor
his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which
the man replies: "She choked."
************************************************************
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this
alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open
his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the
alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the
first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up
again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
***************************************************************
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he
notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big
black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7
foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and
brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks
the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy
says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude
looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick,
3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner
Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you
said 'Turn around. '"
***********************************************************
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old
lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be
surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She
replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
********************************************************
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let
me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6
shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
*********************************************************
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange
brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penis and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
***********************************************************
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to
sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have
a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
************************************************************
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few
weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I
told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I
did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,
Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
**************************************************************
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been
in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to
rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On
doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests
he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and
this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that
the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man
to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor
his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which
the man replies: "She choked."
************************************************************
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this
alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open
his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the
alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the
first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up
again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
***************************************************************
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he
notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big
black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7
foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and
brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks
the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy
says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude
looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick,
3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner
Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you
said 'Turn around. '"
***********************************************************
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old
lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be
surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
