Stupid but funny Joke Thread

[lizard]

The Jewish Widow

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"Hello, sir, how are you?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

​

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard
about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what
you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a Third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me
about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and left, ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

​

A multi-millionaire and confirmed bachelor decides that he wants to settle down and start a family. As he’s currently dating three ladies, he devises a test to help him determine who will become his wife. So, he gives them each a gift of 1 million dollars cash and waits to see how each female handles the situation.

1st Girlfriend: Spends recklessly on herself, burning through the cash at a record pace.

2nd Girlfriend: Invests and reinvests her profits steadily amassing a greater fortune.

3rd Girlfriend: Buys him a sports car, yacht, new wardrobe, etc…spends everything primarily on things she thinks will make him happy.

So…who do you think he chose to become his bride?
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
Answer: The one with the biggest tits.

 

[Night Mare]

All brilliant ^
I don't think my list of dead baby jokes will do this thread justice now/

 

[lizard]

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well,
why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed
with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he
was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.


......................................
EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother .
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an Native American:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

 

[cthulufhtagn]

a man, an ostrich, and a cat walk into a pub and sit down at the bar. "what'll it be, gents?" the bartender queries. "i'll have a pint of guinness," replies the man. "i'll have a pint of guinness," seconds the ostrich. "i'll have a pint of guinness," says the cat, "but i ain't payin' for it."
after they finish the first round, the man speaks up once again, "i'll have a pint of guinness." the ostrich, too, repeats "i'll have a pint of guinness." and once again, the cat mutters "i'll have a pint of guinness, but i ain't payin' for it."
after a third round passes in a similar fashion, the bartender leans over to the man and asks, "what's the deal with the cat over there?"
"well," the man says, "yesterday i was cleaning out my attic when i came across a dusty old lamp. when i took a cloth and polished off the dust, out popped a genie and offered me a wish."
"so what did you wish for?" asks the barman excitedly.
"naturally," the man responds glumly, "a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."